Today, my friends, I stand bravely.
I’ll venture into a sea of Carolina blue, of school pep rallies and retail mayhem. It’s the fever that surrounds your average Super Bowl. This one is mighty, not only because it’s Super Bowl 50, but because it pits my native home team (the Denver Broncos) with my adoptive one (Carolina Panthers).
Today, schools will force my very children, fans of the Cardinals, 49ers and Broncos, to wear Panthers gear in the name of civic pride.
Donkey pucks, I say. While full classes dab and chant derogatory remarks about our beloved Broncos, the team of my father and my grandfather before me, I know that odds are we’ll all feel the torture of a sixth Super Bowl loss.
Dallas. Washington. New York Giants. San Francisco. Seattle.
My niece came home in tears from school because kids said mean things about the Broncos. We’re a fun-loving, granola crowd, we Broncos faithful. No hate.
No one’s giving Denver a chance. My niece came home in tears from school because kids said mean things about the Broncos. Grace is pulling for Denver with me. My co-workers swiped my Broncos helmet and defaced it with post-its and hand-drawn Panthers logos.
That all you got, Carolina? Because you ain’t seen anything like this Broncos team yet.
Dab on that.
1. Why do they call them hot dogs if they’re made of pigs?
So, I just clicked in and right back out of the PETA website.
I turned instead to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, as I did before for a similar question. Legend has it a cartoonist with a spelling problem coined the phrase hot dog. Once known as red hot dachshund dogs, they became hot dogs when a cartoonist wasn’t sure how to spell dachshund.
And so the iconic cylindrical pork snack became a hot dog.
2. Can you get negative points in fantasy football?
For sure. In the real NFL, if they implemented a similar scoring system, maybe the patriots would beat the Bills 9 to -3.
Should your quarterback get sacked or throw interceptions, he could see his totals slump below sea level.
Unofficial research brought up names such as Ryan Leaf and Phil Rivers and even Payton Manning (must have been in his Colts days) as players who turned in negative-number fantasy football days.
The Saints used the Giants as a toilet-bowl scrub brush to the tune of 49 points allowed – and -10 fantasy points. Go big blue!
I’ll stop at the first double-digit crap day I found: a -10 masterpiece by the New York Giants a couple of years ago when they let Drew Brees and the Saints use them as a toilet bowl scrub brush to the tune of 49 points allowed.
3. Who were the people made of clay?
The Bible, Koran and stories of Greek mythology all reference men born of clay.
None of those are as cool as the tale of the Golem. He’s a clay man of Jewish legend, magically brought to life. Golem means ‘incomplete,’ which would make it an awesome nickname for me.
What isn’t cool is that the golem was considered the dummy of the Talmud, the foil to the wise man. So it seems the notion that one can be dumb as dirt is surpassed only by the idea that one can be stupid as clay.
4. What is a polymer?
Polymers are synthetics, as in plastics or resins.
In a street fight, a polymer will beat a Golem 73% of the time. It’s in the bible.
Basically, all the yard ornaments of a 70-plus-year-old Panthers fan: Frogs, gnomes, miniature Luke Kuechlys. It’s all in the molecular structure. What it’s made of and how it’s constructed can determine whether a polymer is rubbery, bouncy or hard.
In a street fight, a polymer will beat a golem 73% of the time.
5. Are these corn flakes sugar-coated?
I sit wrapping up this final Go Ask Daddy inquiry with a nearly depleted box of Harris-Teeter Frosted Flakes as my hollowed-out co-pilot.
Flakes not frosted are destined to top a casserole. Blasphemy. I’ve written about it, but it bears repeating: Non-sugar-coated corn flakes go down in history with great lies such as Sasquatch, healthcare.org and the Minnesota Vikings playoff legitimacy.
Flakes are meant to be frosted. Men of clay are meant to be defeated. Polymers are meant to be space age.
Chargers quarterbacks are meant to lay not a goose-egg, but a virtual and fantasirical minus sign that would make a hot dog package’s nutrition label look like a box of Whole Foods gluten-free gluten.