Go Ask Daddy About Mall Magic, Portuguese Playas and Which Direction to Aim a Trunk

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photo credit: a small step for a Stormtrooper but a giant leap for Wikipedia (Explore) via photopin (license)

Cars play an interesting role in my life.

GAD GRAPHICMy friend Rob, so anti-Chevy, anti-Yankees, and anti-smoking that he would describe his own personal kryptonites (we fellows have many) would be a cute girl driving a Chevy, smoking, in a Yankees cap. So goes the ironies of life.

Cars have faces, both in front and back – and Grace will show us where else faces reside in a future (and possible recurring) guest post.

I’ll notice and acknowledge any other drivers of white Pontiac Grand-Ams, especially any dirtier than mine. I’ll still see on the road makes and models of loves had and lost. There’s so many of them. Why is that? Are there more, or are we conditioned to see them?

Gabi, my Grand-Am, has a windshield crack that grows by the day.

Marie points it out as proof I don’t get the job done sometimes. “If you’d fixed it right away,” she points out, “it wouldn’t be this big!” She’s right. But I show her the Wunderlist app on my Windows phone as proof that I do have a to-do list.

Cars play roles in excellent songs, too.

I just don’t have time to check anything off it.

Cars play roles in excellent songs, too.

1. How do they get cars into malls?

Just driving around the smokeless cigarette and hoverboard kiosks would prove dastardly.

(I wonder if dudes giving cologne samples try and stop the driver.) The web is full of smart-arse answers, including helicopter and magic. I suspect right through the automatic doors, before opening hours, or by the loading dock.

That answer is far less cool than 3D printers or that cars are assembled part by part in front of the Orange Julius.

Holy smacks, I’d even drive a Chevy to get an Orange Julius right now.

2. What’s a torpedo?

It’s been described as a cigar-shaped, self-propelled, underwater missile.

Who’s to say cigars aren’t torpedo-shaped, self-stinking in-your-mouth tobacco products?  The Dutch first fired torpedoes in 1585, or roughly during my second junior year in college. They were just floating boats they’d tow, full of explosives.

Like Super Bowls, torpedoes became bigger and more powerful.

Marine warfare continued to thrive, and, yadda yadda, the Navy even opened a torpedo station in Rhode Island, and developed torpedoes called the Howell and MK 27.

Like Super Bowls, torpedoes became bigger and more powerful. The modern-day Mk 50 is 9 feet long and 750 pounds. It can cover a range of 20,000 yards at 40 knots. That’s way faster than you can drive a Subaru in Carolina Place Mall.

3. Does Ronaldo play for Russia?

Define play.

Ronaldo stars for Real Madrid and the Portuguese national team. He used to date Russian supermodel Irina Shayk. He also has a thing for female media members. I feel you there, bro. He’s moved on to a dancer, Alena Alexandrova.

She plastered his direct Instagrams to social media.

They’re also linked on WhatsApp. Because modern romance and whatnot.

4. What’s the hottest day of the summer?

In the Southwest, the hottest day of the summer can occur in early June, when the Rockies are still in the pennant race.

Depends on where you live – and how close you are to Russian dancers.

In the Southwest, it can occur in early June, when the Rockies are still in the pennant race. Lots of the West Coast doesn’t get its hot day until September, when the Rockies are thinking of next year.

On this map, anyone in the U.S. who knows on a map where they live can answer that question themselves:

Note: No one said a word about global warming on this post.

5. Does an elephant’s trunk point up to be good luck?

One of Elise’s early soccer teams nearly carried the nickname Elephants.

How cool? Elephants embody power, stability, strength, and wisdom. They also make cool noises. Some believe the trunk should face up, to let the good fortune rain down.

A downward facing trunk is bad news to most, although some think that means the good fortune gets spilled all over the place.

Given the Colts’ luck this season, they should have turned their helmet horseshoes upside down.

It’s like the argument over your horseshoe – hang it like the Colts helmet or upside down?

Given the Colts’ luck this season, they should have turned it upside down.

Go Ask Daddy is a weekly production based on nearly 400 questions my girls have asked. A fresh five are selected each week.


Got a question for a boy? Email it to bloggingeli@gmail.com and submit it! I’ll answer them as they come in a post them.


elephants quote


  1. Yay to Grace having a recurring spot here and seriously cannot wait to hear more from her now. On a side note, I am Rob on all except the Chevy part, as I do still have a love for Camaro’s and Vette’s, but the Yankees and smoking not so much! 😉

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      One of Grace’s soccer nicknames is Camaro, so I can’t be totally anti-Chevy.

  2. Great answers! Hope everything is going okay for you. Although as a Chevy hater I’m not sure we can be friends any longer hahahaha!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Disdain, Rena – hate is a strong word!

  3. The thing with to-do lists is… I tell myself instead of taking the time to put something on the list, I should go ahead and actually attend to the task! On the other hand, checking off items feels darn good!

    Elephants rock! I read about a poacher who tried to kill an elephant. He didn’t succed but tried again. The elephant trampled him, including his car, to pancakes.

    Speaking of cars, I agree, they definitely have faces. It was obvious even before Disney invented Lightning McQueen.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thing is, I can’t remember unless it goes in the list. But then I don’t have time for the list.

      I think the next expansion hockey franchise ought to be called the Elephants. Elephants grieve, did you know that?

      Thing about cars, is that the back end also has a face.

  4. Holly says:

    I sometimes miss my 98 Grand Prix GTP (dark green) and still sigh when I am able to see one, though it is less often now that I get the chance.

    The 2017 Camaros look amazing…which makes me miss my 93 Trans Am…and wow I guess I just miss all Pontiacs now. Though, what’s a Chevy other than a slightly re-branded Pontiac (or Oldsmobile, or Buick)? May need to remember that when I go car shopping next year 😀

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Grand Prix’s are pretty much classic now, Holly. We should form a club. It’s all GM, right?

  5. stomperdad says:

    Magic is a multifunctional answer. How cars getting malls. How I got so close to a Russian dancer. How the cheese got in my cheddar sausage. Great answers and I can’t wait to see Grace’s faces!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Magic is a concept that takes a beating in real life, but that I will never give up on. It explains even better things than cars in malls.

      (If you’re Ronaldo, you don’t need magic to get near Russian models.)

  6. kismaslife says:

    My dream in high school was a Grand AM which was quickly replaced by a VW beetle.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Never give up on a dream, Tiff – least of all a Grand Am dream.

  7. Rorybore says:

    In the barn, we never ever hang a horseshoe upside down!! Traditionally it means all the luck would drain out… in the bad way. A friend of mine collected elephants – I mean, the kind you dust – and she never bought one that didn’t have it’s trunk up. Funny creatures we are with our superstitions.
    Still, I never put my boots on the table.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I’m familiar with that horseshoe logic, Les. I feel like the luck drains out the bottom of the R in the Colorado Rockies’ baseball cap logo.

      I wonder if anyone dusts live elephants. I’ve ridden one before. It was like sitting on a big stinky moving leather couch.

      1. Rorybore says:

        Perhaps the Leafs have the some problem with the stem of the maple leaf?! HA.
        Although some might be offended if they turned it upside down. Still others are probably just desperate enough to try. hee hee

        I rode a camel once. It wasn’t that fun. They have the most awkward gait you could ever imagine.

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        I have a problem grammatically with the name Maple Leafs.

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