Go Ask a Boy II: Towels, Clothes and Emotional Attachment


ask a boy 2
photo credit: The meeting with @6ft5 or this is not the droid we’re looking for… via photopin (license)

Girls have lots of questions for boys. I’m here to answer a few.

Explain the allergy that the males have when it comes wiping down a kitchen counter?

Tifffany M., of Colorado

Ever watched baseball, Tiffany?

Teams fall behind, and find themselves in a pinch, with, multiple base runners against them, and not a lot of outs. Should a team square up and just pitch and trust in its defense or ability to simply do its job – or take a chance to minimize damage?

Take the bat out of a slugger’s hands, as they say, and walk him. Sounds counter-intuitive, doesn’t it? More baserunners means more potential runs.

But see, you’ve removed the threat of the one with the bat.

It’s the same with kitchen counters. Yes, we fellows could give it a healthy wipe after we slap together a meatball sandwich with ripple chips and a Kit-Kat. But what if …

We pick the wrong towel?

What if we use a towel that’s not meant for actual kitchen duty, just a decoration?

Or, a towel that was used for raw egg or pork?

Or a towel that not meant for actual towel duty, just a decoration?

Or we use a dry towel, and scatter bread and chip crumbs to the floor?

And after we use the towel, what then? Toss it in the laundry? What if it comes in contact with girl unmentionables or bathroom towels? What if we’ve stained a white towel barbecue-color? Is one wiping enough to launder, or should we save it to wipe again?

There are 317 ways to castigate a man who wipes a counter.

There’s just one if he doesn’t.


 

Why do boys not care or notice if they have pants on or not?

Beth, of Michigan

Science could prove Conscientious Pantlessness, but it chooses other endeavors, such as space exploration and how to make Doritos crunchier.

Legit, this, Beth.

Science could prove Conscientious Pantlessness, but it chooses other endeavors, such as space exploration and how to make Doritos crunchier.

Boys learn early the unabashed freedom from pants from influential figures, such as:

DONALD DUCK | His existence dressed 2/3 as a sailor, sans britches, makes perfect sense in a world he shares with a mouse who wears gloves and two dogs, one who stands upright as a friend and the other who takes to all fours and lives in a dog house.

PORKY PIG | He ran the gamut from star of the Warner Brothers show to target of the National Stuttering Project protests. Porky placed dapper ahead of diaper, even. Throw a bowtie and off-the-rack sports coat on a swine, and he’s ready for anything.

SQUIDWARD | He rides underwater bikes and flips underwater crabbie patties in just a shirt and hat. He represents a pantless third that shares screen time with someone named for their pants (SpongeBob) and a stark naked starfish.

Pantlessness harkens to ancestry of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble.

For generations, TV sold boys on pants as an accessory, not necessity. If rubes could exist without pants and still score the likes of Betty and Wilma, how can a dad argue for his son to wear pants?

We real-world adults (and Hillary Clinton) are bound by society to pull up and zip up. It’s time someone made a movement to ditch the britches.


How many dates does it take for a man to become emotionally attached to a woman? And how soon after a man and a woman start dating should a woman wait to become physically intimate with a man – if her goal is for that man to love, respect and become emotionally attached to her?

How about them apples?

Renee, of New York

I said I’d take them all.

Maybe her hair smells like barbecue.

One date is all it takes for emotional attachment. Maybe her hair smells like barbecue. Perhaps she’s wearing Broncos orange. Or maybe her eyes seem to smile and her smile seems to speak a thousand beautiful words.

Sometimes he sees her and actually hears music. Beautiful music.

Someone to Love Me, by Queen, perhaps. Or a Norah Jones crooner. It takes only a moment if the universe means it.

Your second question has no easy answer.

A partner’s love, respect and emotional attachment aren’t at all controllable. Not even a little. No words, no song lyrics, no surrender of physical intimacy can give us what isn’t freely given. And what a three they are. Love, respect, emotional attachment?

What can’t be accomplished with those?

Whether it’s a first-date clothes derby or put-a-ring-on-it patience, that love trifecta requires a synergy of time and space and chemistry. Do you feel it?

It’s not up to us. Whether it’s a first-date clothes derby or put-a-ring-on-it patience, that love trifecta requires a synergy of time and space and chemistry. Do you feel it? It feels incredible, doesn’t it? And it feels horrible, doesn’t it?

We second-guess and wonder and pine and ruminate.

It’s waiting for that call-back after a job interview or at the very least hitting refresh on the browser when you’re sitting as the top bid on eBay with 20 seconds to go. Rose ceremony my ass. Only 1,011 times bigger.

I hope that whatever man sojourns to the center of your questions understands the gift he has before him. You.

I hope that boy will not take the same recklessness with pizza that’s been left out a tad too long or maybe judging whether he can jump a creek as he would with your heart. A stomach ache and wet clothes are of little consequence.

The love, respect and emotional attachment from someone like you? Better than a thousand slices of salmonella-free pizza and a sticking a perfect landing.

There are zero guarantees.

My hope is that he’s fielding those same questions as you.

There are zero guarantees.

The reward? The start of an incredible love story.

The risk? Something less. Perhaps far less.

You might know immediately or you might not know for years and discover it one day in an a-ha moment that turns your universe upside down.

If you’ve followed your heart, you’ve done it right, Renee. Good luck.

wells quote

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32 thoughts on “Go Ask a Boy II: Towels, Clothes and Emotional Attachment”

  1. I love the responses…and Renee took the question out of my head, so the answer was speaking directly to me! Thank you.

  2. well there must have been another beth in michigan with the same question, but i’ve always wondered about the pants too ) love the final quote and the towel thing is right on!

  3. I was most definitely giggling at the towel response as my husband and I have had this on going debate about towels and the use of them here. Sad but true, but still your response for the male perspective nailed it from all I have indeed heard here about this in the past here! 🙂

  4. Ha, the towels have it! I swear I wash a million hand towels every week because I am always tossing one or he’s tossing one that no one knows where it was, what it was used for only that it was left on the counter that still needs to be wiped down.

    Paper towels are my friend!

    Awesome post and love the quote at the end. 🙂

    1. It’s the gospel, Tiff. Apple needs to develop the smart towel. We men can still get in trouble with paper towels.

      Glad you liked the post and quote – so true about how we’d live. It’s also the reason we wash our hair and cut our toenails. Did you know that?

    1. Thanks Renee. Just looking out for you. Boys are as much mystery to ourselves as we are to you.

      Hope that gave you some insight. Decorative towels and seasonal decorations don’t help us.

      Corrected on the dateline. New York, New Jersey … ever since the Broncos lost a Super Bowl there, it’s been all the same to me.

  5. And again, Eli, you hit the ball out of the park with this one!! That quote at the end just topped it off!! perfect!! OH the TOWEL issue!!!! GGAAAAHHH!!!!! 7 boys in this house vs. ME!!! at least I don’t do decorative… Gave up on that one years ago!

    1. Thanks Vicki. The quote won out quickly over all others. Towels are tricky, aren’t they? It’s age-old.

      Decorative towels become shop towels in 2.2 seconds with kids in the house.

  6. Wow, dads say hold on to your “value” and your “gift”, but grown singles just want “the cookie”. Hold out for respect, girls. Maybe there’s a guy who thinks beyond his loneliness between the sheets.

  7. Haha, the characters without pants…love it!

    We have a family inside joke that started one night when we we’re hanging out with my sister-in-law and her husband. We were talking about what we wore while sleeping, and several of us had the shirt but no pants thing going on. We now lovingly call that look “the Donald Duck” or just “the Donald.” 🙂

  8. Great answers Eli! “The love, respect and emotional attachment from someone like you? Better than a thousand slices of salmonella-free pizza and a sticking a perfect landing.” Perfect description.

  9. Paper towels are for messes and things that stain….. the other towel is for hand, or dish drying. Honestly, it’s not that difficult. Don’t make me come down there. I’ll make you wear pants. And a Canadiens jersey. *sigh*
    The mister and I may just have an ongoing battle in this regard. I dread BBQ night. And when the toilet overflows. No lie, I grabbed the towel from that handy place on the front of the stove,and was immediately covered in maple syrup and bacon grease. ¡Ay, caramba!

    1. Thanks for the primer, Rore. Why couldn’t someone tell boys that at age 8 and remind them every four years?

      You speak of being covered in maple syrup and bacon grease like it’s a bad thing, though.

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