#AtoZChallenge: A is for Appalling Requests For Compensation


GAD 4 1
photo credit: Stormtrooper portrait via photopin (license)

My girls really tick me off.

AGo Ask Daddy has been a fixture around here for decades, it seems. Only, now, my girls, all post-millennial, they of the vines and musical groups without all the letters in their names (like Weeknd), well, they suddenly want a payday for their “intellectual property.”

Much to my shock and chagrin, this might be the last installment of Go Ask Daddy.

My girls demand $1 per question asked here. Any post that 50% subject matter for any individual, combination of two or all three daughters, real or imagined, will require compensation, commiserate to word count. It’d dumb and it’s complicated. I’m appalled.

I didn’t raise these girls to become money-grubbing scoundrels.

Can you help? Just send a donation of any dollar amount to:

Save Go Ask Daddy

0401 April Fools Way

Charlotte, NC 28215

1. Do you think I’ll have to get braces?

Yes, lovey.

Soon as your baby teeth all fall out, we can talk braces.

Soon. I needed a retainer for a few months. Elise wore braces for what seemed forever. Soon as your baby teeth all fall out, we can talk braces. You know, that dentist shouldn’t have asked you if you were saving for braces already. Grownups say dumb things.

Your smile, just the way it is, lights up my day, love.

2. Do contestants on Jeopardy get to keep their money if they don’t win?

They once did, and then they didn’t. Now, they get a set dollar amount.

Players on Jeopardy used to pocket the cash figure they wound up with at the end of the game. However, producers felt contestants who didn’t have a shot at winning would stroke the rest of the game and head home with a bit of bankroll.

Jeopardy second- and third-place winners from 1984 to 2002 took home trips and prizes.

Since 2002, placing second on the game show will net you $2,000. Dead last ain’t bad: That’s a cool $1,000. That should cover travel, lodging and Turd Ferguson shirts, none of which Jeopardy will pick up the bill for.

3. Do they call this just checkers in China?

Chinese Checkers isn’t Chinese. It isn’t even checkers.

In China, they call it 他们到底是什么

Chinese Checkers isn’t Chinese. It isn’t really even checkers. It’s a game two to four people play with marbles on a star-shaped board with six points. It’s a blast. You get your 10 warriors into the opponents’ home triangle first, with moves and leaps, to win.

“Let’s play German Marbles” doesn’t allure quite as much as “Let’s play Chinese Checkers.” Chinese Checkers feels … exotic. German Marbles feels … like what Adolf Hitler lost.

4. Why do princesses talk to animals?

Probably not for answers on Jeopardy (woodland creatures can’t formulate answers as questions to save their pelts.)

Animals have the capacity to listen and maintain eye contact far greater than that of even a prince. And they don’t give advice or ask for a sandwich. Plus, animals who do things for you like tie ribbons and nuzzle up to your kneecaps? That’s gold for little kids. Gold.

And the marketing … you can sell stuffed rabbits and deer and wolverines with doe eyes by the droves. Princesses (and those who pay the people to draw them) know what’s up.

5. Do college kids have a bedtime?

It’s been a … few years since my college days.

Honey, going to bed wasn’t the biggest problem I faced as a college kid.

Getting up? That was a different story.

It’s been a … few years since my college days. And yet today, I woke up at 6:15 … 7:15 … and 8:15. I’m due in a 9 a.m. writing seminar. It’s 8:22. I haven’t done any of these:

  • Copied this point into WordPress
  • Chosen a stormtrooper photo for it
  • Selected a quote for the end
  • Added a link or any kind of markup HTML
  • Showered
  • Eaten*

*That one made my heart palpitate.

I took to Facebook to see if friends there could offer any insight. Back in my day, I couldn’t ask Siri or Santaria or Quintapolis or whoeverthehell you ask on your smartphones today to do shit that we had to do with our bare hands.

(This question came as a litany of beautiful inquiries Grace made as we ate dinner in a dining Hall at Wake Forest. Incidentally, she’s set on that school as hers already, at age 11. Must have been some good pizza.)

But I digress.

Classes the next day at 8 a.m. warrant some sort of bedtime the night before.

Rafe, my buddy from a music camp (I was a counselor, not a musician then), said: “I wish there was, ‘cause maybe then I’d actually get some sleep.” My friend Lacey concurred – we grownups could use someone to impose bedtime on our wishy-washy asses.

Classes the next day at 8 a.m. warrant some sort of bedtime the night before. Cathy said her son doesn’t have a bedtime. It’s part of the freedom to sink or swim, I suppose. My wonderful former boss from Muzak, Alexa, just offered a rolling lololol!

That says it all. College kids have always been tough to corral (or keep clean and upright.) I can only imagine what it’s like for Generation Y.

Anyway, I’m a grown-ass man who stayed up way too late trying to finish this post. Now, I’m a grown-ass man who will have to take a turbo shower and get his grown ass to that seminar without being late. Oh! And grab an Egg McMuffin, too.

I hope when you get to Wake Forest, sweet girl, that your braces are long gone off, you’ve had at least one conversation (probably with you singing) with a squirrel, and that you can always count on me for a wakeup call at Wake Forest.

I’ll make sure Cortana or Cordellia or Cortez or whoever’s in my phone doesn’t let me let you down!

bedtime quote

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42 Replies to “#AtoZChallenge: A is for Appalling Requests For Compensation”

  1. Great to catch up for another A-Z Challenge. This year I’m writing letters to dead poets and have kicked off with AA Milne. I’ve been popping around to all sorts of blogs tonight but need to get tomorrow post finalised too. Quite the juggling act.
    All the best.
    xx Rowena

      1. You’re welcome, Eli. I really did try to have all my posts ready to go before it started but we went to the Royal Sydney Easter show. It was the first time that we’ve taken the kids and so I wanted to record every detail and seemingly did a gazillion posts about it. That meant I still have a fair amount of work to do.

  2. No compensation? Isn’t this a capitalist marketplace? Of course you should pay the girls – cell phone bills, shopping trips, vacations sports fees and the like! Happy April Fools and I look forward to next week’s Go Ask Daddy.

    1. Thanks Linda. I’m not much of a coffee drinker, so I sneak Coke Zero into a mug. I’d better get started on Saturday’s post soon, and probably Monday’s and Tuesday’s!

      I might have to upgrade to diet Mountain Dew soon!

  3. When I started college I thought I was free of any adult-imposed rules like bedtime. I was, until the University of Reality kicked me hard.

  4. Oooh, you almost had me!!! I did think your girls don’t strike me as the greedy type at all, though, so…
    German Marbles, yes, this former leader – and a current wannabe – seem to have lost those.
    Awesome job on incorporating a GO ASK DADDY, an April Fool’s prank and your first instalment of A-Z into one post – and this on an empty stomach (priorities?)

  5. Kids don’t learn intrinsic value till much later than college, unfortunately Eli. Money makes almost everyone idiots, or as you said, “money grubbing” relatives. Too bad your daughters developed the inevitable. Lol 😀

    1. My kids (and those I coach) keep me on my toes, Clare. I have nearly 400 questions waiting in queue, and that’s not accounting for the 400 more they’ve probably asked when I didn’t have anything to write them down on.

  6. You had me going there for a bit. I thought A was going to be for Attorney or Arbitrator. My least favorite class in my entire college career was an 8am ballroom dancing class which I took to fulfill the PE requirement. Apparently a 1pm Tennis class was not an option.

    1. I didn’t want to go too malicious for the holiday, so this felt like a good compromise, Mo.

      8 a.m. any class isn’t a great choice, unless it’s Intro to Savory Breakfast Sampling. I can get behind that.

  7. Haha, that was a great April Fools. I stayed away form the internet on Friday. I am not one who likes pranks 😉

    Bedtimes are seriously over – rated until I am reminded that getting up to be a responsible adult will hurt if I am not in bed before 10.

    1. Thanks – and no small animals were injured in that April Fools’ creation, Tiff. how’d you avoid the day online?

      There were some big pranks, I imagine. All my ideas for pranks were horrible, so it was fun to just say them out loud.

      i didn’t think a bit about the consequences when I stayed up so late it was early last night, writing. Not even a little bit.

  8. Wait, I talk to my cat all the time… soooo.. I’m officially a Princess?!!
    I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to telling off one greedy squirrel that keeps getting into my birdseed. Disney would not have approved.

    Is it still going “goodnight” if the sun is technically up? Is that a bed time still? Asking for an old college friend. 🙂

    1. Obviously, Les. Could you get the cat to scrub the toilet? That would elevate you for sure.

      In Alaska the sun is up crazy hours, so tell your college friend yes. or no. whatever works.

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