It all began with a blue-footed boobie.
Boobies are badass. They’re odd-looking seabirds found in Ecuador. I learned about them through a blog called Ecuador In My Eyes. Joanna Sormunen writes the blog, and I found it through the now-defunct Hump Day Happenings blog linkup.
Did you catch all that?
A travel blogger wrote a beautiful piece with beautiful photography of one of the world’s coolest looking birds, and I chimed in with a comment that said there ought to be a team somewhere that adopted the blue-footed boobie as its official mascot.
(Can you imagine the marketing?)
So what’s the best thing to do when you’ve brought beanie weenies to a fondue party? Pass out all the beanie weenies, of course. Here are other animals not represented in mascot-dom, but that definitely deserve to be.
Here’s what I retained from Greek class my senior year of college: Hippopotamus is Greek for River Horse. Wait, River Horse would be a badass mascot, wouldn’t it? We imagine hippos as awkward and water-bound.
They can run 30 mph, though, and their closest cousins are whales and porpoises.
Red, light purple and steel blue
What? There’s a minor-league team in Modesto called the Nuts. Imagine the uphill battle a prospect has for getting dates in Modesto. “Hey babe. Ever dated a Nut?” A Leaping Lemurs franchise could even bring Zaboomafu back, in spirit at least.
Mint green, jade green and periwinkle
Monsters of any sort don’t play nearly as prominent a role in sports as they should. Marie played on a team called the Snow Monsters. Cool as hell. Gilas are one of two venomous lizards. They bite hard and tenaciously. They chew their venom into their prey.
Talk about full-court press.
Tan, kelly green and goldenrod
You’ve heard of ‘strong as an ox’, right?
They’re like the ants of the big-ass mammal world. Oxen can pull more than their own weight. Isn’t that a good trait for a team? The NBA’s gone small and fast these days; the Oxen could harken back to days of awkward plodding centers with awful haircuts.
Emerald green, burgundy and forest green
So, they won’t eat or mate without help from humans.
This fact in itself should render the panda unworthy of sports mascot status. The “Giant” designation instills instant fear. Pandas have an extra digit on their hands, which could serve as inspiration for kick holders and long snappers alike.
Black, white, and blood red
Giant Pandas vs. Koalas isn’t exactly Steelers vs. Ravens, is it? Never mind that Koalas aren’t native to America, home of American football. Hell, have you ever seen a panther in Carolina or a ram in Los Angeles? Koalas are excellent swimmers, making them a natural rival of the Dolphins.
Sea green, cyan and magenta
With so many hockey teams in warm states – and even in the warmest parts of the warmest states – it’s amazing this hasn’t happened.
Imagine the kick-ass logo, of an angry armadillo on skates? They’re the only mammal with integrated body armor, for Patrick Roy’s sake.
Plum, teal and yellow-green
Imagine the grudge match with the detroit red wings. Throw US on the ice, will you?
Real-life Octopuses (yes, that’s right, not Octopi) carry shells as weapons. So we also know they’re suited for travel to detroit for hockey matches. Here’s hoping they drop some ink at the rink, too.
Grey, olive and salmon
These opportunistic canines represent an ideal mindset for an attacking side in soccer. They’re fast and territorial, which bodes well for the attack and for defending their goal. They’re vocal, and what coach isn’t pleased with good communication on the soccer pitch?
Orange, purple and pea green
Every other big cat on God’s green earth finds representation in the world of mascots. Not so, the Ocelot, he of sleek lines and mad hunting skills. They attack relentlessly and eat their prey in huge chunks. This has nothing to do with soccer, but it sounds fierce.
Burnt Sienna, burnt orange, and violet
What animals would you like to see on the side of a football helmet, in a soccer crest or on a hockey sweater?