This A to Z Challenge has proven quite challenging up around here.
It’s what happens when you toss in a load of high school soccer matches and club practice and, oh, an assignment at work that could make or break us. No pressure. I can handle it. It’s just words. In fact, I armed myself with a two-liter of Diet Mountain Dew and commenced writing.
Then fell asleep sitting up at the couch minutes later.
I have a great guest post to share and other stuff to write and letters to catch up with. The universe, though, saw fit to make this the day I caught up, a Friday, for the letter Q. For “questions from my girls.”
Go Ask Daddy began years ago as an attempt to answer my girls’ questions. It’s nearly 400 strong, with doozies yet unanswered, such as:
Who were the people made of clay? What does schmuck mean? What’s the last stage before a tadpole becomes a frog? What happens if you use up all your substitutions in a soccer match? Could you wear short-shorts and leggings to school together?
Does ‘sub’ mean below? Don’t you have to take off your sunglasses when you show your passport? Is this your core? Is that a saxophone playing in the song What the Man Says? Do they pinky promise in China? Could you get in trouble for bribing a cop?
What’s the alcoholic drink with the cherry? Do you wear stripes with plaid? Do you still do Zumba? What are gigabytes? Where did Cam Newton go to college? What does ‘first down’ mean? Does the U.S. Women’s national soccer team have black uniforms? What is the B for in World B. Free?
Clearly I could use another Diet Mountain Dew.
1. Should I put this in the trash or recycling?
If you’re referring to that empty bottle of Diet Mountain Dew hanging from my lip … bottle in recycling. Dude attached to the lip in trash.
[Check the Earth911.com recycling directory]
It’s not as easy to determine just by the recycling symbol and number inside. Whenever you have a recyclable and there aren’t recycling bins around, try your best not to throw it away. “It’s just one bottle” doesn’t cut it.
Here are three items you think would be responsible to recycle, but you cause headaches if you try:
SHREDDED PAPER | Good white paper has long fibers, which makes it even more recyclable – unless you shred it. A good sheet of white paper could reincarnate five or six times. You cut that to zero when you try to recycle shredded paper.
PIZZA BOXES | A nice cardboard pizza box qualifies as utterly recyclable. It’s the greasy pizza parts that render it useless in the recycling center. That’s where paper’s mixed with water to make slurry.
Your Pizza Hut meat lovers pizza leaves a slick of grease that really gums up the works.
PLASTIC BAGS | Just one in the bin won’t hurt, right? One paper bag can strangle a seagull or suffocate a sea lion. It can also get tangled in the machinery like it does your car’s front axle if you happened to run one over on the highway.
Then crews have to come in and clean the mess.
2. Do fish have noses?
Ever tried to sniff something underwater?
Don’t. It’s called drowning. Fish have noses; but they’re not connected to their mouths, or involved at all in respiration.
Fish draw water in through one or two sets of nostrils into a nasal cavity. Its olfactory epithelium detects molecules in dissolved water. They’re pretty good at picking up even the slightest molecular presence. They check molecules to find everything from food to friends to enemies to lovers.
I wonder how they tell the difference.
3. Could a Jedi use The Force on himself?
To play Jedi mind tricks on himself? Only if he creates a YouTube channel for that shit.
I found many instances in which Jedi on the dark side used the Force to heal themselves. (Sith Lord Darth Krayt didn’t have to go to the dark side to heal himself from death. That’s the ultimate.) Darth Vader called on Force healing through angry, frustrated meditation.
That’s a tough feat. I tried yoga angry once, and it didn’t work.
Darth Vader could temporarily turn off his hyperbolic chamber and life-support suit. He could channel healing through the dark side, but it could never have lasting effects. Think about how many Jedi have artificial limbs or wacky-ass suits or prosthetics to worry about.
If they could heal themselves, don’t you think they would?
4. Why are girl pockets not deep?
I suffer from survivalist grief or some relative equivalent.
Ever seen a guy’s pockets? We can fit our mega smartphones, wallet, keys, sunglasses, bottle of Coke Zero (we’re talking two-liter), car charger, baseball, Sharpie, and a Dachshund/English bulldog mix in our cargo shorts. And that’s just the two side pockets.
Men’s clothes are exceedingly utilitarian, while women’s clothes, to me, seem more for aesthetics. This is why men’s dress shoes feel like house slippers; women’s heels like Guantanamo Bay interrogation parting gifts. You could always borrow a pair of our cargos!
5. What is it called when they chop off someone’s hand?
A morbid one to end the night.
The MacMillan Dictionary has a list of terms to use to “remove body parts and organs.” (Because what’s more embarrassing than using the term disembowel when you REALLY mean circumsize?)
The word you’re looking for: Mutilate. That means to damage a body permanently but cutting it or removing part of it.
Make sure it goes in the right bin, though.