Go Ask Daddy About Top-Ranked Ladies, Yiddish Insults and Beard Enhancements


GAD 6 24 lede
photo credit: stormtrooper via photopin (license)

America is a women’s soccer nation.

GAD GRAPHICThe USMNT did well to reach the quarterfinals in Copa America. When I see kids on the pitch, though, they’re not in Clint Dempsey or Jozy Altidore shirts. They’re in Barca and Man U shirts, paying homage to Messi and Ronaldo and Neymar.

What about the girls?

They’re in shirts with Morgan and Wambach on the back. They’re imitating Carli Lloyd and Julie Johnston and Kelly O’Hara. Their teams are built like Jill Ellis’. The boys’ teams, the men’s program, they lack the identity of girls’ soccer and the women’s national team.

That’s not a slight on boys or men. I’m one, in fact.

It’s a tough spot for the men’s national team. Our best players can’t supplant the aura of the world’s best. The women, for girls? They’re the best in the world. They don’t have to find Marta or Christine Sinclair or Homare Sawa to follow and emulate a star.

1. Who is the world’s No. 1 women’s soccer team?

women world cup
photo credit: Dimmerswitch via photopin cc

Is there any doubt? It’s the U.S.A.

Germany, France and England round out the top four. The U.S. just beat all three of those sides in the SheBelieves Cup, all by narrow margins. Talk about battle tested. Japan, whom the Americans defeated in the World Cup, fell to 7th.

You girls and I talk about how each of you plays like a certain player; Elise, like Hopey Solo. Marie, with shades of Mia Hamm. There’s some Alex Morgan and Abby Wambach in Grace’s play.

Ultimately, though, it’s your own styles that emerge in your play. And that’s worth a No. 1 ranking in my book.

2. Does the moon have anything to do about the time change?

moon
photo credit: jurvetson via photopin cc

Nope. That’s all on Barack Obama – when we lose an hour, at least.

We gain that hour back thanks to that great American patriot, John McCain. Or was it Ross Perot? The moon inspires poets and causes ocean waves, but it’s innocent when it comes to Daylight Savings Time.

While the moon is busy waxing and waning and photobombing Halloween pictures, we can thank our Canadian friends for implementing a plan to maximize sunlight hours.

Thunder Bay, a town in Canada, first observed Daylight Savings Time in 1908. Germany became the first nation to do it, in 1916 – presumably to get an extra hour of training to catch up with the American women in soccer.

The Romans used it hundreds of years before us, though. And Italy (14th) isn’t even in the top 10 in FIFA women’s rankings. Sheesh.

3. What does ‘schmuck’ mean?

It’s for anyone who doesn’t vote the U.S. as the world’s No. 1 women’s soccer team. It means “a foolish or contemptable person.”

Don’t ask a German; for them, schmuck means “jewelry or adornments,” maybe the gold medals the Americans wear. In Old Polish, it’s a “grass snake or dragon,” which sounds like a fine mascot for a minor-league baseball team.

For the Yiddish, it’s bad stuff, girls. Thought Catalog published a list of 61 Yiddish insults, which feels like it ought to be essential.

4. What are those red things for in football?

challenge flag
photo credit: Mike McCarthy – 2011 via photopin (license) Denver Broncos vs. Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field in Green Bay, Wisconsin on October 2, 2011. The Green Bay Packers won 49-23. For more go to http://www.elviskennedy.com

Those are the Kansas City Chiefs, honey.

They’re to remind us that not all teams need to win a silly Super Bowl to have fun with their friends on Sunday afternoons. They’re actually challenge flags. American football coaches heave them onto the field in defiance of a call officials made on the field.

Usually, this comes after great consternation from players who think they saw the play differently, and 70,000 drunken fans who watched it right there on the JumboTron.

A head coach can challenge two referees’ calls per game. If both calls are overturned, he’s given one more, perhaps on merit. He must toss the flag on the field before the next play starts. If he’s wrong? His team is charged a timeout.

He can’t challenge if his team has no timeouts left.

Speaking of the Chiefs (weren’t we?) In 2016, their coach, Andy Reid, had his red challenge flag stolen – by an assistant coach. It looked like a pickpocket job, but really, Reid had asked someone to swipe his flag during the final two minutes of a half. Why?

All plays can be reviewed in the final two minutes of a half. If a coach tosses the flag anyway during this time, his team is subject to a 15-yard penalty. Who has time for that?

 

You can also buy them on Amazon.

5. Can you use Hair Club on your face?

I can’t find a single thing on the Hair Club website about beard enhancements.

I can grow something on my face, but not those manicured shrub beards the hipsters love. I saw a dude whose beard was cut into what I can only describe as the end of an elf’s wooden shoe. I wonder what Darwin would have to say about that.

So, I called Hair Club’s 24-hour hotline to ask about my face. Or, dudes’ faces.

The man in the corporate office knew that I’d been online, from the number I called. Creeper. I said it wasn’t really for me, you see. It’s for … my blog.

“I just need to know if you can replace hair on a man’s face,” I said.

“Are you also losing hair on your head?”

Dude. I don’t need you.

He asked what city and state I lived in. Somehow, he didn’t creep that data on me. He found a center in Charlotte, N.C. and advised I call them.

“Hair Club for men, this is Dani.”

“Hey Dani! How are you this morning?”

“I’m fine.”

(Note: When someone on the phone doesn’t then ask how you are? It’s going to be a rocky ride 87% of the time.)

I explained the blog thing and half expected her to hang up.

“I just need to know if you can do your thing on a guy’s face.”

(silence)

“Psh, kids,” I offered.

Dani put me on hold. Without any music, even. No Neil Diamond, no Sublime.

Then she came back.

“You’re going to have to call our corporate office for that,” Dani offered.

“Thanks love.”

I didn’t call corporate again. I didn’t even think of tossing out my challenge flag, either.

beard quote

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17 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Top-Ranked Ladies, Yiddish Insults and Beard Enhancements

  1. Women’s soccer has become huge here in Australia too. It’s great seeing the girls receive such well deserved accolades. It can only become more popular in future years. How about mixed teams, or girls V boys? 😀
    Personally, I’ve never tried to grow a beard, but my son, who is in the Australian navy, can grow quite a nice reddish beard which is nice and soft.
    LOL I love Yiddish slang. Must be something to do with my Jewish heritage–my grandmother was Jewish. I love that line from Independence Day where Judd Hirsch’s character says, “If I had known I was gonna meet the president, I would’ve worn a tie. I mean, look at me. I look like a schlemiel.”

    1. You have much to be proud of in your women’s team, Lyn. I love to see these women as role models.

      I love the trend, too, here, there, and in England, where the women’s teams are stepping up to prominence.

      Girls v boys: An interesting concept. At Academy age, around 6-9, girls seem to develop skills faster, while boys have a physical advantage.

      I like the idea of co-ed teams in a kid’s formative years. For boys and girls, it’s a benefit. My daughters played with boys on the team (and against them of course) and it helped a ton in their development.

      Yiddish slang is underrated. The words just sound cool. And that’s a classic line!

  2. Thank you Canada for that time change phenomenon. And flashing red on a soccer pitch has an entirely different meaning! I’m impressed that you actually called the company to get an answer for the blog!

    1. Canada’s more than just Elvis Stojko, Eric. I know this. Red in THAT futbol means you get the rest of the day (and the next) off.

      Every once in a while, I do the tough investigative reporting. Once, I asked random women why they carry their mobile phones in their back pockets. For the blog.

      1. All in the name of the blog! I thought women carried their phones… uhhh… closer to their heart. Or was their a link to breast cancer and cell phones? Won’t we get butt cancer carrying them in our back pocket?

  3. What do y’all have against Obama? Considering the candidates you’re currently looking at, one would think you’re happy with the president in offfice? Anyway, I am pretty sure that the German soccer practice schedule had more to do with daylight saving time, hahahah. Go, Italy!!! Knock them out on Saturday!

  4. Your dedication to thorough research for the Go Ask Daddy questions is quite impressive even if the Hair Club folks gave you the rude runaround. Schmucks…

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