Go Ask Daddy About Summer Celebrations, Pretend Grass and ‘Is that !@#$! in English??’

GAD lede 7 1
photo credit: Imperial Anti-Riot Trooper with T21-R via photopin (license)

So one time, I made the principal’s daughter cry.

GAD GRAPHICNo, it wasn’t a broken heart, or even a noogie on the playground taken too far. Being the devout patriot she was, she took exception to my project on advertising in our gifted and talented class. See, I made a series of newspaper ads for a car dealership …

My spokesmen: Dead U.S. presidents.

I had Honest Abe, George Washington and others pushing off used cars to the public. I had them jive-talking and contemporary-acting (“No money down?? Say WHAT, GW??” that sort of thing.) and that’s just not dignified for any of our forefathers, not even Lyndon B. Johnson, Chester Arthur or James Polk.

I didn’t actually get into trouble.

Today, we use dead presidents to sell insurance and toilet paper. The Human League gives soundtrack to Swiffer mops. Everything from Danica Patrick in a pushup bra to pop-up ladies telling you which dishwasher crystals work best try to persuade us to buy.

Third-annual going-out-of-business sales, Toyotathons, and Christmas in July … nothing’s off limits.

1. What’s the point of Christmas in July?

christmas tree

Long before Christmas in July served as a summer excuse to pimp furniture and sedans, it saved Santa from heat stroke down under.

You might know it at Yulefest or Yuletide. In Australia, July’s cold as NBA free agency. Unless you want to see Santa in a Speedo, you concoct Christmas in July. So our Aussie friends get two Christmases. We get Matthew McConaughey and Johnny Manziel. I want a revote.

The concept of Christmas in July far out doesn’t-suck half birthdays. Holy hell, kids. We were lucky to get one birthday a year, let alone two. I feel staunchly strong against kids having two birthdays just so they can have one during the summer and another during the school year.

Unless I get a cupcake out of the deal. Wait, are we still allowed to bring cupcakes to school?

2. Is A# the same as B♭?

Yes, my philosophically musical child.

It’s the same, but notated differently for many reasons. I challenge you, though, to tell the difference on sound. It’s more ironclad than the idea that an adult small T-shirt is the same as a kids’ extra-large.

A piece of music might notate something as A# or b flat to make clear which key it’s in.

I was horrible at naming notes. I knew them in relation to each other when I played sax. I’d memorize finger changes faster than Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge and FACE to remember lines and spaces of the treble clef.

Eli Gets By Despite Failures would have worked, too.

Either way, girls, in music and in life, always try to … B#.

3. How many NFL teams play on turf?

photo credit: CarbonNYC via photopin cc

Seventeen of 32 pro football teams play on the fake stuff.* (The Jets and Giants, given the price of real estate in New York, shack up together.)

AstroTurf, or Field Turf, the most popular artificial surface out there now, takes its lumps as an injury causer. A 2010 NFL Players Association survey revealed 82% of players felt artificial turf causes more injuries than grass. Players said the Steelers’ Heinz Field had the worst turf in the biz.

Atlanta Falcons legend Tommy Nobis told me players would tour AstroTurf fields before the game to identify trouble spots. And by trouble spots I mean huge exposes seams, bumps, rips and other atrocities that could end a player’s season in a hurry.

Some categorize artificial turf as a hazard to our goalkeepers.

*-It doesn’t figure into this figure, but we’ll assume what the oakland raiders do on Sunday can be classified as playing the football.

4. Why is pounds labeled lb.?

giant panda
photo credit: Yang Guang (_K5_9415) via photopin (license)

The Seahawks had a linebacker in 1977 named Turd Ferguson who ate a pound of raw salmon on game day, so they labeled pounds with his position – Line Backer – rather than his unfortunate first name.

The Latins abbreviated pound as lb as a shoutout to Libra, of zodiac fame. Libra’s sign is scales, you know.

The Romans measured stuff by what it called libra pondo, which is how they sold panda meat.

That’s not true!

It just meant “pound by weight.” The panda story is better, though.

Although I’m sure a slovenly beast like a panda tastes way gamey. Might need a pound of A1 to choke one of those down.

5. Is Stereo Love in English?

Not always!

This Euro-junk tune topped charts in Finland, France, Great Britain (pre Brexit!), Ireland, The Netherlands, Norway, Spain, Sweden, and Turkey in 2009. (Basically, it has a better track record than the Americans’ men’s soccer team.) It’s a tale of rekindling a dying love.

So European.

Edward Maya kicks a pound of ass with his accordion riff. The English version is better, of course. The other one? Barely bearable. Of course, even the English version sounds non-English. Maybe I’m biased.

I’m getting ready for the Olympics in my contempt for most of the rest of the world.

The English version played all the time at the gym I used to go to. The accordion part just made me want a plate of linguine and a chunk of Italian bread.

You know me.


  1. John Holton says:

    Don’t forget the bass staff: Good Boys Do Fine Always and All Cows Eat Grass. Nice explanation of why you’d use sharps and flats, by the way.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      John, the bass clef always threw me for a loop. Glad my explanation made sense – gosh it made me miss music!

  2. ksbeth says:

    you have always been a heartbreaker and my post tomorrow is about christmas )

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      The severest way I break hearts, Beth, is to the poor souls behind me in the buffet line. Look forward to your post!

  3. Hahaha, the salmon eating line backer is responsible for the lb abbreviation!
    I just found out that Colin gets a special party for his half-birthday: it’s St. Patrick’s Day! 🍀

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      The linebacker story sounded almost feasible, didn’t it Tamara? Tell C-dawg to milk this special party for all it’s worth! (I’ll take a green cupcake if there’s leftovers).

  4. Lyn says:

    When I was a kid, I didn’t know the difference between a piano and a hole in the ground. But by the time I was ten, I was the only kid on the block who could play a hole in the ground 😉 (not original, that’s courtesy of that funny man Morey Amsterdam)

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I’d have better luck making music with the hole in the ground probably Lyn. I wish I had that skill as you do!

      Here’s to Morey.

  5. Kisma says:

    This was the first year we hosted a half birthday year for our Christmas Eve girl. She wanted to take friends to Water world. 🙂 No cupcakes were had, we will save those for the real day.

    I couldn’t site read music to save my life, but I could hit the notes when I had too.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      It’s tough to share a birthday with The Savior. I just have to jockey with Owen Wilson and Megyn Kelly.

  6. Nikki says:

    Eli Grows Beautifully During Failures. That song always leaves an ache behind. Christmas in July just seems like a commercialized excuse to remind me I need to shop 🙂

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I should be George Clooney by now then. Christmas in July here in America probably sells lots of Subarus and mattresses, Nikki.

      1. Nix says:

        Thankfully I’m not in the market for a Subaru OR a new mattress (bought a new one when we moved to Omaha) but I’m down for some farmer’s markets. Is that covered under the shopping clause? And yanno…George Clooney is overrated. I think I can speak for a lot of gals and say I’d much rather have someone real than a Ken doll. They don’t snuggle all that well 😉

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        I’ve never snuggled with a Ken doll. Or George Clooney, for that matter.

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