I won’t divulge individual names right now.
Consider all three girls implicated, though. The injuries they’ve suffered number in triple digits. The injuries they’ve suffered have only a few been serious. The injuries they’ve suffered occurred at the hands of – their other sisters. Well, mostly.
Some are self-inflicted.
One kid suffered a hyper-extended elbow climbing into a cardboard box. One bruised a cheekbone opening a car door. One burned her hand when she touched a stove burner I just turned off. (These are all one kid. And she blames me for the last one.)
Who needs boys?
We buy medical tape, finger splints, and ace bandages. “Ice it for 20 minutes,” plays on repeat out of my mouth. We’ve counted bruises and bumps in the car after soccer matches. It’s almost like they’re proud of the rough-and-tumble culture they live in.
I’m kinda proud of it, too.
1. Why does my elbow pop?
I don’t know – but it’s stopped, hasn’t it?
The human body perplexes me. I had ankle pain severe enough that I took a shot of cortisone to it. “If it doesn’t work,” my doctor said, “it is just money.” That’s easy for you to say, pal. Let’s switch salaries for a year and come back to that.
I’m ruling out tennis elbow, or even Wii tennis elbow. When joints pop anywhere, it’s from the nitrogen gas in our bodies. Not that kind of gas. Your elbow – or knee or ankle, anywhere there’s a joint – will pop, like a knuckle, when that gas builds up.
Maybe the choke hold you put your sister in contributes, too.
2. Can we hogtie you on your birthday?
First, let’s examine the term, hogtie.
No, wait. Why my birthday, of all days? A thousand questions just entered the equation. What comes after I’m hog-tied? That’s when hands and feet are fastened together – or four legs, in the animal kingdom. An actual hog-tie Wiki How-To exists.
Everyone hates a poorly executed hogtie. (Side note: Deploy a Google search for ‘hogtie’ only in the privacy of your own home. Not at work.)
What will you do with me then? Is there a birthday cake involved? If I allow this, will it end up on a Vine? Will I get fed? That’s an important question. My greatest concern when it comes to being bound: How will I scratch an itch? That reveals much of my mental makeup.
Tell you what – let’s practice on you first, Grace. Your birthday’s next. We’ll try to avoid our first birthday ER visit ever, even.
3. What’s the difference between a Blue-ray disc and a regular disc?
Blue-ray discs cost more.
For good reason: They blow away standard DVDs for storage space. That’s five times as much storage space. Also, Blue-ray resolution delivers 1080 lines on a screen; DVDs manage less than half that. That disparity leads to amazing detail and clarity of sight and sound.
How vast the distance? Consider these comparable comparisons
If CDs be the Kansas City Chiefs’ Super Bowl trophy case, then Blue-ray is like the Denver Broncos’.
If CDs be an out-of-date Lunchable and a bruised peach, then Blue-ray is like a plate of spaghetti and meatballs at Luigi’s Restaurant in Augusta, Ga.
If CDs be a trip to a porta-Jon in Columbia, S.C., in July, with a broken occupied sign, two weeks late for cleaning, then Blue-ray be like a trip to 5 Napkin Burger in Boston in May, with a table with a view and a server named Kat, two hours after dinner rush.
You get the picture.
4. Where do cows come from?
They definitely go into 5 Napkin Burger.
Two cow divisions mark bovine history: One in Europe, one in India. In Europe, folks rounded up wild aurochs, beefy critters as big as twice the size of today’s bull. Man’s appetite for steak and encroaching attack on auroch country led to the species’ extinction in 1627.
A couple of German zoo directors tried to replicate the Auroch, in the 1920s. They look like the mighty Auroch but aren’t actually, and they’re not as gargantuan. They’re referred to as Heck Cattle because that’s the brothers’ last name.
Why don’t you just go hog-tie an Auroch?
5. How long would it take to read the bible in church?
It would take 54 hours, which spells absolute doom for anyone’s arse stuck in a pew.
It’d mean you’d miss all the Sunday NFL games, plus Monday Night Football. The Bible’s made up of about 800,000 words, or roughly the same as the Dallas Cowboys’ weekend police blotter file.
People typically read 250-300 words a minute. If you go at it for 30 minutes a day, it’ll go by in four months. The problem: The Old Testament comes first. And while that’s cool, with Genesis and all, it quickly turns into animal sacrifices and a ton of ‘begats.’
Psalms are legit. If you’re going to take that 30 minutes daily, might I suggest New Testament reading, especially the Gospels and Paul’s letters? The Gospel writers were like four reporters on the Jesus beat.
It’s fascinating to read their accounts of some of the same events. I consider the Apostle Paul the world’s first blogger.
I digress. If the New Testament, though, was a CD …
I’d better stop. I think I just heard thunder.