Long before Kesha and Jennifer Lawrence, way back on the timeline before Ingrid Michaelson and Laura Linney, in a time Hope Solo, Sue Bird and Paula Creamer were just youth-league cuties … there was the MCI girl.
Guys, this is Jean Louisa Kelly.
Her cute but creepy ad for the soon-defunct MCI became all sortsa Dream Weaver for me. She resurfaced in Mr. Holland’s Opus, as star-dreaming Rowena Morgan in 1995. In 2000, you could see her in Yes, Dear, married to a dude even dweebier than yours truly.
I thought she’d disappeared after that feeble TV show.
Then I watched 1,000 to 1: The Cory Weissman Story. I resisted, invoking my “No Movies That Star Kids From Disney Shows” clause. But … Cory’s mom looked, so sweetly familiar. The curls were now straight; her lipstick less pow than fire-engine red.
But … it was her.
So, 20-plus-year crushes on girls in commercials … that’s normal, right?
1. Did you see the Super Bowl ad from GoDaddy?
I wouldn’t have remembered if one had been on.
With my home-state team (Denver Broncos) battling the home team (Carolina Panthers), the super day could have been a super nightmare. Luckily, Von Miller saved the day.
I watched the game with Grace, the lone soul I could state with any certainty wouldn’t turn to me, if Carolina won, and say, “Aren’t you happy for the Panthers, though?”
Never, love, never. When it comes to street tacos and Super Bowls, there exists only win and win not.
GoDaddy (what dad wouldn’t love that name?) hosts web domains. The company burst on the scene with racy ads that left beer-guzzling fans woo-hooing, even if they had no idea who GoDaddy was. It was more, “who’s your daddy” than website domains.
GoDaddy made its splash, and now lives a kinder, gentler, less busty existence.
No puppies, no ladies. Fans noticed the absence more than anything. The company’s new CEO says the shift has been on a while. No need to shake your moneymaker during the biggest football game of the year anymore.
[See a GoDaddy ad by clicking here. Danica’s way cool and awfully swoony, which sometimes gets lots in the pole dancing and gyrating. This ad was banned.]
2. Why is John such a popular name?
Besides John the Baptist and the Apostle John and John Lennon, probably there are a lot of Johns because maybe Johns name their sons John.
If you type John enough times, it looks like a typo. Try any word. Fold. Fold. Fold. Fold. Fold. See? Johns often become popes. Mom365 ranks John at 31st for boys’ names, which for a college football team would land you in a crappy bowl game.
Even Jaxson and Noah (No. 1) ranked higher than John.
Old Johns outpace young. I almost became an Eli John. My mother defied the church and Caucasoid society as a whole. She wanted to name me after her father, Juan. The Catholic Church said my name had to be that of a saint. What of San Juan, then?
No, silly – an Anglo version of the saint’s name. She omitted the H out of defiance. Proud hippie, she.
3. How do they know someone is supposed to park in a handicap spot?
Deplorable acts sometimes happen in parking spaces. Dogs left in hot cars. Kids left in hot cars. Pastrami-and-rye sandwiches left in hot cars. Also, there’s parking in a handicap spot when you’re not supposed to.
Drivers must display a handicapped placard on their rear-view mirror. Police can ticket those who park (sometimes double!) in those spots without a placard. Also, there’s public shaming. And this touching story.
4. Are there two suns on Tatooine?
I’ve already won. I have kids who ask about Tatooine, the famous circumbinary planet on Star Wars, the birthplace of notable Jedi knights Anakin and Luke Skywalker.
Tatooine, a dustbin of a planet that makes Death Valley look like a spring afternoon in Savannah, is a lawless wasteland with sandstorms, plentiful criminals and krayt dragons. Not to mention the salty Tusken Raiders.
Tatooine stays hot and dry thanks to Tattoo I and II, its twin suns. It also has three moons. That’s a lot going on in the sky. And there’s a real-life Tatooine in our midst.
The exoplanet Kepler-1647b (which sounds like something from the Dewey Decimal System, not a solar system) is the biggest one we know of. It’s 3,700 light-years away, or roughly the same time it will take for the Buffalo Bills to win the AFC East again.
A Keplet-1657b year takes 1,107 days. You’d need, like, 40 months for that. That’s 40 months of Visa payments. Gross. It’s about as big as Jupiter, for scale, and resides in a zone that might support the presence of water. There are 11 planets in the circumbinary club.
The Kepler mission launched in 2009 and will wrap up next October. It’s racked up 1,284 exoplanets, and nine of those are in spots that make them potentially earthlike.
5. Is this a college?
(Grace asked this on a trip to Wake Forest University for a soccer clinic. She’s since identified it as her future school.)
We use college and university interchangeably. For undergrad, there’s little difference. Colleges offer undergraduate degrees, generally; universities also offer advanced degrees. Wake Forest, the place Grace fell in love with during soccer visits, is a university.
You can’t beat that mascot – the Demon Deacons. It’s basically a possessed pastor. (They got the nickname after the school paper in 1924 credited a win against Duke (then called Trinity) to the football team’s “devilish fighting spirit.”
It’s where Tim Duncan and Arnold Palmer and Carroll O’Connor, the dude who played Archie Bunker, matriculated. The sports teams wear black and gold, and theirs is the only press box I’ve been to that implements a “one meal limit” for sportswriters.
We’re a gluttonous bunch.
When the day comes that you play for Wake Forest, Grace, and you find Columbia University, alma mater of Jean Louisa Kelly, on your schedule, you know who I’ll be rooting for, right?
Kids trump crushes. Every.single.time.