Hello. Yes, it’s been a while. Not much. How ’bout you?
Soccer and work and sleep and talking to representatives in call centers about cable and credit cards have monopolized me. I dream of writing. Actually, I dream of pizza and Star Wars prequels even Jennifer Connelly still. I write, but only for those organizations that compensate me.
I wish that weren’t the case.
Not that I’d not get compensated. Writing here is dessert. I love me some other writing, and just finished my first fiction work of any consequence. The writing reps are there. This, though, writing here and connecting with you … that’s home cooking, you guys.
When I started this post, I had a college kid home after a Florida trip got canceled because of Hurricane Matt.
I had one kid wearing a boot for an ankle injury and another who’s learning to play my old saxophone. It was old when I played it. And now, it’s actually the next calendar year. And for a minute, I got all wrapped up in a telenovela during a rainy weekend in Roanoke.
All stories for later, perhaps. Here’s what the kids have asked.
1. Isn’t it dumb to dry clothes on a line when it’s raining?
It’s almost as dumb as Maricruz going back to her Menudo-retro-looking boyfriend in Corazon Indomable. (Wait, was that out loud? She’s in this scene – mi novia enojada en las botas descarado. I digress. Of course, rainy days aren’t the best for line drying.
It’s like when you see automatic sprinklers on during a rainstorm, too.
Or people in line at Auto Bell when it’s raining. You won’t run out of dumb things to do when it’s raining – such as run through the street with a metal sign on your back.
Here are other time-wasting – or logic-cancelling – pursuits, off the top of my head.
- Ordering a double Big Mac, large fries, apple pie – and Diet Coke.
- Turning on CNN or Fox News – and expecting logical discourse.
- Cleaning out one’s car – when one has children (and a snacking habit.)
- Asking off work for World Series dates – when you’re a Colorado Rockies fan.
- Placing a box of delicious leftovers in the fridge – within 323 nautical miles of a related teenager.
- Leaving your phone to charge overnight – and not expecting the cord to fall out.
- Eating responsible oatmeal for breakfast – and not expecting to have a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit an hour later because you’re famished.
- Changing lanes to the fast one before a traffic jam – and expecting for it not to become the lane that ends with 250 feet.
- Expecting your pleas in English to a jailed, Spanish-speaking telenovela starlet to convince her to just say no to Menudo boy. (I’m not bitter.)
- Asking off for the Super Bowl – when you’re an Oakland Raiders fan (yes, I said it.)
2. What if a princess was a lesbian? Would there be two queens?
That’s a great question. It’s 2017 and all.
Technically, when you marry into royalty, you become a consort, not necessarily a king or queen. Prince Adam, therefore, could bring home Prince Consort Steve, but Steve might not become king or queen when Adam takes the throne.
Besides, in the United Kingdom, only legitimate children of a monarch can assume the throne if the monarch dies. This is how the universe keeps Kardashians or Pachecos out of the royal palace.
Plus, in England, if you’re in the line of succession, you must be in communion with the Church of England. That church doesn’t recognize same-sex marriages, by the way. So there’s that. It would make a great Hallmark movie, though.
3. How many letters do you get on a license plate?
Are there no easy questions this week?
It depends on the state you’re in – and even the type of plate you get. Standard-issue plates – you know, the ones that just say Keystone State or First in Flight, not the special ones for Ravens fans in Rhode Island or teachers in Tennessee – usually allow for seven characters.
That’s 7.5 – if you count hyphens or spaces.
Here in North Carolina, you can get as many as eight characters. That’s plenty of space for messages such as NOSUP4U, LUV2FRT or NOFKSGVN.
If you don’t get that last one, don’t ask mom.
4. What is a rotary?
Finally, one with a difficulty level lower than 323.
It’s a traffic circle. It’s also … wait, did I say this one was easy? I’ve never, in this, the sixth year of Coach Daddy, bypassed a question. I’m not about to start. I wondered if you meant a notary, like a notary public. And really, any of you, go search for “what is a rotary?”
The results? I was underwhelmed by the underwhelming nature of it.
Here’s the thing: I thought the question was, “what is a notary?”, as in, notary public. But no. A rotary, as in those traffic circle things that are cropping up all over town. You know, the ones in which the person who is supposed to yield to traffic speeds up to beat you?
This might be the worst Coach Daddy answer of all time.
5. What does RSVP stand for?
The French. They have a different word for everything, as Steve Martin says.
RSVP stands for répondez, s’il vous plait. That translates to “respond, please.” Or as they might say in Gaston County, “say.” You should answer when you get an invitation to something, so they don’t order too many or too few chimichangas.
Although, if I’m throwing a party, I’ll want more chimichangas than are necessary. There’s sometimes a card to send back, to say how many are coming. Or, they’ll ask for “regrets only.” That’s tricky.
If I sent them my regrets, they’d require 17 hand trucks and extra postage.
I do have an RSVP for you, though. For here, in this space. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Like the good old days. I feel like I’ve got a momentary grip on stuff, and can finally make it here, when I want to.
The universe needs a place where food, Jennifer Connelly and Star Wars can live in harmony, after all.