I first picked Beatrice Pitocco for an interview on a blog for work.
One question into my interview with her, I knew she was a better match for #GirlsRock – my interviews with women who do cool things. Although the tools Beatrice uses as a photographer are inherently technical, that’s not the main element in her work – or her life force.
Beatrice, like many artists, is a feeler.
You’ll see that in her words here, raw and honest. Beatrice is also a consultant for companies and individuals. I believe you’ll see some of your own life stages in her words today. Through thick and thin, Beatrice lives by a simple credo.
Be humble. Be kind. Have fun.
Her thoughts are contemplative, deep, much like her photography. Please give Beatrice a warm CD welcome, and be sure to check out Illusion Photograph, her page. You can also connect with Beatrice on Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter.
Q: When you were little, what did you think you’d grow up to be?
Beatrice: When I was a kid, my dream was to be a doctor. I don’t know why, but I had a desire to be a doctor. Until you asked me that question, I never really thought about it. But it hit me – a doctor heals. My whole life, I have inadvertently been trying to heal people. Trying to rescue or save them. Somehow trying to get them to see their own potential, or worth or beauty. Truth is, I can’t see those things in myself. I find people who mirror me so that I can somehow heal parts of myself that have been so very wounded.
And come to think about it, I ‘doctor’ all my pictures, to bring forth the color, and the beauty of the moment I’m in. In essence trying to ‘heal’ each moment, with the simplicity of a photograph.
Q: Do you remember a time when you first began to see what needed to be healed in certain moments?
Beatrice: Truthfully, it is this moment, in time, when I am fully cognizant of my own brokenness. I recently had a situation in my life that broke me in some ways. I’ve had other life events, more traumatic than the one in question, but for some reason this was different. For the first time, I recognized, I realized, my entire life was a pattern. I actually saw the pattern, and never before had I. It is a dysfunctional one that I kept following, blindly. I always thought that I was more ‘aware’, ‘conscious’, but this thinking was skewed.
Because I realized I had been living the exact same life for 39 years. I went back, to all the people that made some sort of impact in my life and it was the exact same person. Different face, different name, but fundamentally, at their core, they were the same person. I was living in a virtual cognitive dissonance; believing myself to be somehow enlightened, and understanding more than I actually did. My repetitive life pattern proved that I was nowhere near understanding what I needed to understand. I was and have been a walking wound, never really sure of anything, inviting people who were more than confident to tell me who I was.
This last time around, it shook me to my core. For the first time, I feel a lucidity that I haven’t. Recognizing that as I go around, subconsciously inviting mirror images of myself into my life, people who are equally as broken so that I can somehow ‘fix’ them, the reality is the only person I’ve been wanting to fix, is me. I know fully, this momentary lucidity may be fleeting, and that the possibility of falling back into my patterns is ever present. But to answer the question, this is the moment, when I realized, I need to be healed.
Q: What has healing looked like?
Beatrice: Any kind of healing painful. Physical healing is easier in a way; you know that the pain will subside, it will scab and eventually scar and any hurt or pain felt is all but forgotten. Emotional pain is different. The would never scabs and scars. It remains open, and we vacillate between acknowledging it and not. We become masters of living with it until it is a numbness. Yet we recognize, on a subconscious level that at any moment, something, someone, anything really can trigger it back to the forefront of our minds.
Everything we’ve tried to subside, any hurt that we tried to bury, floods to the surface demanding utmost attention. Healing isn’t something that happens easily. It happens when we pretend that the wounds don’t exist. I believe I subconsciously put myself in situations, and with people, who I knew, deep down were going to rip open the wound. And it isn’t anyone’s fault; it was my own desire to fix what pains me. Truth is, I don’t know if I will ever succeed. And that is a reality we all must live with.
Q: In the moment, though, in the photograph, you seem to capture something, a moment of healing. Do you see that?
Beatrice: Truthfully, I don’t. Healing is tricky … Sometimes even when you think you’re healed, you’ve only put a Band-Aid on the wound. You distract yourself to the point of exhaustion, all the while not fixing anything. What my photography does is, it allows me, even briefly to enhance a moment that may seem otherwise dull. The colors that I draw out of the images, in some ways is how I feel, at the core of who I am. But life sometimes dulls us; it confuses us, it makes us question things that are basic, like love. We complicate the uncomplicated … and we get gray. The colors in my pictures represent me, who I know I am, and who I strive to return to.
Q: What colors do you find yourself drawing out – and how do you do it?
Beatrice: I draw out the brightest colors. This is where technology comes in – for the most part, it is all done with my iPhone. The brighter the color the better. Sometimes, I’m not ashamed to admit, that darkness overtakes me. Some people call it depression, I call it, not understanding how or why this world works as it does. There is no consolation to disapproving or disliking how people act; especially when it comes naturally to understand on a deeper level that everyone is just struggling to understand, themselves, each other, their life. That is why the color is important. It hides the darkness; it hides my sadness.
Q: What is next for you? What do you want to try or see or do?
Beatrice: I’m not sure what’s next. I suppose that is part of the fear, that is part of the adventure. We never really know do we? I mean we can plan, create visions, contemplate next steps, but life has a way of surprising us. People come into our life, and leave as quickly as they showed up – and we don’t know why. Sometimes we are driving down a road, and it isn’t our choice but we have to follow a detour. Unknown ambiguity. I don’t know what’s next, and in some ways, maybe nobody does. Whatever comes, I will capture the moment, and make it as beautiful as it feels in my heart.