We tell the kids stuff not to do all the time. Here’s 42.
- Don’t eat cookies in bed. Share them on the couch with dad.
- Don’t leave the door open!
- Don’t leave the fridge open.
- Don’t drink daddy’s soda.
- Don’t drink daddy’s rum.
- Don’t play your saxophone after eating a KitKat.
- Don’t run in the street.
- Don’t pick the cat up by the tail.
- Don’t text in church.
- Don’t quote Macklemore songs in church.
- Don’t use your tablet after you’ve eaten a rack of ribs.
- Don’t yell, “don’t listen to coach!”
- Don’t wear sweatpants with words across the arse.
- Don’t wrestle by the fish tank.
- Don’t leave your soccer ball at the bottom of the stairs.
- Don’t use a throw pillow as a placemat.
- Don’t spit sunflower seeds in the living room.
- Don’t retaliate for a foul.
- Don’t leave bubble gum in your pockets.
- Don’t talk to the refs.
- Don’t pick your nose if the Kiss Cam is going.
- Don’t grab a catfish around the fins when you’re taking the fishhook out.
- Don’t use the same hand to eat Double-Stuft Oreos as you do for baiting your hook.
- Don’t change the station if Electric Light Orchestra is on.
- Don’t sneak pizza slices into your jacket pockets at CiCi’s.
- Don’t fall down in the shower the morning of game day.
- Don’t try to call time out in a soccer game.
- Don’t pop more than three M&Ms, or any candy, in your mouth at once. Savor them.
- Don’t root for the Seattle Seahawks, externally.
- Don’t let go of the Wii remote.
- Don’t pass up a chance to watch soccer on TV. Or in person.
- Don’t walk barefoot in a dog park.
- Don’t disparage your president, the pope or Kesha.
- Don’t put an egg in the skillet, and go upstairs to paint your nails.
- Don’t pay retail for banana chips.
- Don’t forget to stand up for your friends. And even those who aren’t your friends.
- Don’t sing or cry with your mouth full. In church, at least.
- Don’t skimp on the cheese.
- Don’t forget mother’s day.
- Don’t say anything bad about Samantha Ponder within earshot of daddy.
- Don’t drink dad’s rum when it’s in his Coke (Thanks for this, John).
- Don’t burn crepe myrtle.
1. Why can’t you burn crepe myrtle?
At least to start out, there’s some debate on the subject.
“Heck, burn some and if that smells good,” a user named Squeezy said in a barbecue forum, “try it on a bit of chicken.” I couldn’t find a site that warned me against burning crepe myrtle. They’re majestic trees that thrive in the south, not unlike the University of South Carolina women’s basketball team.
Crepe myrtle is hardwood, meaning it’s dense and has more wood matter. It’s heavier than softwood trees, such as fir, pine, and spruce. (Softwood is good for kindling; you’ll want a hard wood such as beech, hickory or oak.)
Grace, you’re on a roll with these questions that open more debate than meets the eye.
2. Isn’t it bad for dogs to smell pot?
I found a video of a dog that had eaten marijuana. I don’t want to share it. Dogs get high if they eat weed. It could also kill them. The dog will get sleepy, its blood pressure will drop, and it might pee on itself. Not a good situation.
When a drug dog detects marijuana in an Oakland raiders jacket, or, you know, something, they don’t have to smell much to identify it. And it’s not usually lit. So a drug dog can just say, “yo! This cat has pot!” and that’s all they have to do. (Cats are notorious for the Devil’s lettuce.)
I came back one year straggly from Mexico, wearing a Rockies cap and a poncho. I carried a duffle bag full of more ponchos. The girls and their friends all wanted one. A police dog in the airport made a beeline for my bag, and the officer instructed me to drop it.
I did and raised my hands. I waited for the billy club. Someone probably slipped a roach in one of these ponchos, I reasoned. That’s why they call them Drug Rugs, right? I’m going down. Never even tried the stuff, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life in prison in Guadalupe.
Super pup moved on, thankfully. Maybe drug dogs associated the course material that kept both Poncho Villa and dozens of undergrads at Appalachian State toasty with hasheesh. Regardless, I was safe. Thanks for asking.
3. How old is Kurt Warner?
Kurt Warner, you might be surprised to learn, is the same age as your pops.
Can you believe it? At 45, I could be in the hall of fame. There’s a timeline for a young man when he loves sports as I do. At first, he’s a boy, and grown men are his idols. Then, kids he goes to school are selected in the Major League Baseball draft, and that’s cool.
Then, he goes to college and sits in a lecture hall with the starting point guard. Awesome. Yo, Delano. Nice numbers against South Florida on Tuesday night. Can I copy your homework? Then, this young man starts his life, the same age as young pros, as a dad, maybe.
At some point, his classmates – for real or perceived, begin to taper off in relevance. Whatever happened to that dude? He asks. But it’s okay because it’s not long until that dude becomes receivers coach at Humbolt University or some such. Cool.
Eventually, he becomes a head coach, and suddenly, all the decisions you’ve made from the armchair are justified. Hey, dang right, coach! I’d have blitzed there, too. But maybe you want to use the two-tight-end set more in goal-line situations. Feel me?
Now, a not-as-young man will start to see those retired athletes his age fired from those coaching jobs, and get others. His name might get hall of fame consideration, kind of like Kurt Warner, who earned his enshrinement into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 2017.
I dig that you girls like this guy. He’s a former Walter Payton Man of the Year for his charity and volunteer work. He established the First Things First Foundation, which has helped people with everything from coat drives to house builds for 15 years.
I haven’t even mentioned his work on the field, where he went from grocery shelf stocker to Arena League quarterback to the man who helped lead the Arizona Cardinals within four points of a Super Bowl victory (after winning one with the St. Louis Rams.)
4. What if I went to school in booty shorts and a no-sleeve shirt?
Thanks, Grace, for making it necessary to search online for images of booty shorts – while I’m at work.
Your mom and I would be there early to pick your barely covered arse from school should you go like that. Both would be in violation of dress code. Booty shorts, for apparent reasons. Strange name for something that barely covers said body part.
It covers less than it should than health insurance does.
The shoulder thing is perplexing. Girls nationwide have been sent home from school for an exposed shoulder or collarbone – because of the distraction it would cause for boys. This is definitely a topic for a full-on post, which, I see the Kurt Warner entry approaches.
I feel like you’re testing me, kid.
5. What if you score a basket from the other side of the court?
It could wind up on SportsCenter. (And it’s worth three points.)
The best shots from the other side of the court happen at the buzzer. The best of those best (like a grilled cheese with Provolone best of those best) gives the team a win. I’ve seen two buzzer-beaters in games I covered, and from the floor, it’s pretty amazing.
There’s this moment when the ball’s in the air, when you think, Oh, hell, this one has a chance. The buzzer sounds, sometimes the backboard lights up, and the electricity hits both sides and their fans at the exact same moment.
One side puts hands to head, in disbelief it’s gone down this way.
The other side puts hands in the air, in jubilation.
As boys, we practice this in the driveway. 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … <horn!>
And we do it until we nail the shot, preferably all net.
Which means I probably should add a No. 43 to the list of things to not do, girls. And it’s a big one.
- Don’t pass up on your shot – no matter how long the odds.