Go Ask Daddy About Scholastic Schedules, Commemorative Symbols, and Picking Nits in Our Language

This week, it’s all academic.

Meaning, there’s some deep philosophical questions here. Well, one at least. And one about cheese, which to me is a sign of higher intelligence. Although, when I was in college, it didn’t really feel like a haven of higher learning.

Was it just me?

I once got an 8 – yes, e-i-g-h-t – on a science test. I stayed after to ask, “is there any mathematical reason I shouldn’t hit drop-add after this?” My prof, he of feathered hair and a beard before beards were cool, simply shook his head.

And there was that one time I was supposed to be on homecoming court.

I got elected to represent Student Media, which qualifies equivalent to Chief Rolly Polly under a rock in the quad. Alas – even during a good semester for me (which meant my GPA had catapulted above 2.0) I fell short of the requisite 2.5 to accept the election.

“You mean to tell me,” my favorite English professor (whose name I can’t remember, but who called himself poor white trash at least once a week) asked, “that you have to have a higher GPA to walk on the basketball court than to play on it?”

Wise words, Maestro. Also? I had really great hair back in college.

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1. Do you get weekends off in college?

You can get any day off if you want it bad enough in college.

Me, I just took mornings off. And sometimes those mornings lasted until 2 or 3 p.m. See, no one yells at you, or calls your mama, if you do. They do cash your tuition checks, however. And there were days that it felt like Saturday, but probably was only Tuesday.

Also, it kind of sucks when you’re in college, and have a part-time job. Your boss will want you to work every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So you might even try to tell her that you have chem lab on Friday nights, so somebody else will have to close.

2. Why is it better to not freak out if you got your arm chopped off?

Speaking of academics … this isn’t about a cut-off arm, but a leg, you know?

I remember a scene in the movie Cat People (circa 1982, movie No. 239 on the list of Stuff Eli Watched as a Kid That Contributes To His Stagnated Synapses Today) when panther ate a zookeeper’s arm and he went into shock and died right outside the cage.

He appeared so calm, though.

Then I remembered Bethany Hamilton’s ordeal, and I had to defer to the kids on that one. Hayden said, I read the book, dad. They wrapped her up in a thing and took her to the hospital. Camdyn chimed in. And she didn’t freak out.

So, there you go.

3. Why do Alabama’s helmets have a No. 28 sticker?

The Crimson Tide football team wore the stickers to honor former running back Altee Tenpenny. He played two seasons for the team, which released him in January 2015. He died in a one-car accident on a highway in Mississippi. He was just 20.

As is the case with many college athletes, Tenpenny rose to stardom in high school, but didn’t find that same status in the college game. At North Little Rock (Ark.) High, though, he remained a legend, despite struggling to fit in at UNLV and Nicholls State, too.

Tenpenny led all rushers in the state of Arkansas as a senior, and chose Alabama over his home state to play collegiately. His former coach described him as a fun kid with a great smile who steered clear of trouble.

Helmet stickers to honor people or causes aren’t new.

The Dallas Cowboys wore helmet stickers during training camp, 2016. They commemorated an event at which Dallas police chief David Brown, mayor Mike Rawlings, and players took the field arm-in-arm to support the community.

The University of Tennessee football team wore stickers to honor former women’s basketball coach Pat Summitt. She died as a result of Alzheimer’s disease at age 64. Few people did more to advance women’s athletics than Coach Summitt.

Nearly the entire NFL wore stickers to honor those killed in the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary in Connecticut. The Giants, Jets, and Patriots unveiled stickers the next gameday. The rest of league – except for Washington – followed their lead.

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4. Doesn’t milk come from cheese?

You’re putting the cheddar ahead of the milk cow.

The lion’s share of cheese comes from cow’s milk. Any mammal can produce milk, however. Buffalo, goat, and sheep are milked for cheese, which isn’t as disturbing as the idea of milking a giraffe, in an upright standing position … on a foot stool.

It starts with quality milk, I’ve learned on EatWisconsinCheese.com. (Good stuff comes out of Wisconsin, I’ve learned also.) It takes 10 pounds of milk to make a pound of cheese, which is roughly the ratio for most college loans, even without class on weekends.

The milk gets pasteurized – to rid it of bad bacteria. Then good bacteria is added. Imagine dodgers fans being escorted out so that Rockies fans could sit. Cheesemakers add coagulants to turn the milk into something that looks like custard.

Remember that rhyme about curds and whey? They’re actually part of the cheesemaking process (even though Little Miss Muffitt made a snack of it in a giffy). Want mascarpone or ricotta? Heat big chunks of curd at low temps.

Cook the smaller pieces on high to get parmesan and romano. The cheeses are heated and drained, handled and salted, pressed and cured, before they’re packaged up in small bricks or slices to represent a portal to heaven, melted on a cheeseburger.

5. Why can goodnight be one word, but good morning can’t?

I tossed this one at blogger and friend Corey, who writes in a terrific place called The Nostalgia Diaries. She’s kind of a super rookie. Anyway, I wish I could use her answer. Instead, I’ll try and forget it in its brilliance, and look into this linguistic American phenomenon.

Goodnight, it turns out, is an adjective. As in, goodnight kiss, goodnight wishes, goodnight pizza slices snuck under a pillow. Good night is what you say to someone before you sneak into the kitchen to procure those goodnight snacks.

We don’t say goodmorning pizza (although, should we?), but rather, good morning. As in, good morning, is there any pizza left over? Its semantics, but to those of us who treat words like, well, havarti cheese, it’s a big deal.

It’s like the misused and abused words every day and everyday. The misuse is nothing like getting your arm chopped off, but I wish we all knew the difference. It’s tough to endure the everyday mistakes every day.

Maybe if I went to college on Saturdays, I could have dealt with this better.

Corey – you really should copy and paste your response in a comment. It’s stellar.

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