I used to be such a bullshitter.
Used to be! For this particular division of BS, I’d ask my sports-minded friends and sports-department cohorts, Hey, did you hear about the trade? The first couple of times, it works like a charm.
I make it sound convincing.
At newspapers, I make it all official, with a dateline and everything. Like, for instance:
DENVER (AP) – The Denver Broncos bolstered their defensive front at the trade deadline Monday, acquiring Ndamukong Suh from the Miami Dolphins for reserve quarterback Chad Kelly and a conditional pick in the 2018 draft.
Doesn’t that sound real?
It’s a wonder no one ever copied and pasted my pseudo news and edited it right into a notebook for the morning edition. Sadly, there’s enough fake news and take-it-as-gospel-because-it’s-on-facebook going on that my art is lost in the shuffle.
1. Did you hear about the woman who gave birth on a plane?
I think so … but have you heard this one from a song?
I was born in the back seat of a Greyhound bus
Rollin’ down highway forty-one
Wouldn’t that be cool?
There has been more than one plane birth, although pregnant women aren’t supposed to fly. Embryonic fluid (which I once asked for at the auto shop when my windshield wipers wouldn’t work) and cabin pressure seem a bad combination.
I found this account of a Taiwanese woman who snuck on a plane in hopes of having her bundle of joy delivered on American soil in 2015. Because, of course. #merica
There was, fortunately, a doctor in the house (er, on the plane), who helped. No word on whether he sent her a bill. They diverted the plane to Anchorage, so, mission accomplished, right? Presto, American baby?
Mom, however, known only as Jian, got a one-way ticket back to Taiwan. She even tried to hold it, asking repeatedly Are we in America yet? as labor encroached. Baby stayed with American friends and couldn’t fly right away because, you know, she’s a BABY.
Before any of you pull a copycat stunt to have an American baby, consider this: The airline billed poor Jian $27,000 to cover the cost of diverting the plane (and a club on wheat sandwich.)
There has to be an easier way.
2. Will you get fired for getting pulled over in a company car?
A construction company in Mooresville has drivers in their red and yellow trucks I’m convinced must pass a ‘dipshit driver test’ before they’re given the keys. Every time I see these trucks, they’re flying down the highway, riding bumpers like champs.
It’s hard to say, without it being a specific incident with a specific company.
Maybe a first offense would get just warning. I’d do that, if it was my company. You know, a company of people driving around testing cheese sandwiches. A warning, if it’s 10 mph or less, even if they were racing to get to provolone cheese.
Dangerous is dangerous.
It looks bad on the company, too. A schmuck driver is likely a schmuck carpenter/plummer/delivery guy. Driving 70 in a 55 with stuffed-crust pizza is one thing; driving 70 in a 55 with a tanker full of aviation fuel is quite another.
I like the idea of vehicles bearing my company name, logo and phone number to be courteous drives and not jackass scoundrels. Probably there would be a rule book.
So you’d know if you were in the wrong going 5+, or giving birth in an airplane in international airspace.
3. Who would win a race – a snail or a worm?
It depends on the surface.
Glass pane? Snail in a landslide. On the dirt? That’s the worm’s sweet spot. (Especially if you let him go underground.) Hot sidewalk? They’re both screwed. If a hungry bird comes along, the race might move to a digestive tract in the sky.
Did you hear about the snail who got mugged by a worm? He told police, it all happened so fast.
I found a couple of videos of worm/snail(and sometimes slug) speed showdowns online. They were either boring, sick, or sick and boring. So, check out this link and vote for who you think would win the race (this link is neither sick nor boring.)
4. Who is Boy George?
He’s the lead singer of Culture Club, and a shoo-in to beat an army of snails in a race. And I want to be him for Halloween next year. (circa 1980s, of course.)
He does lots more than work as Culture Club’s lead man. He’s a DJ and a songwriter. He’s a fashion designer and photographer. He has more jobs than I do, and might even make a pound or two more than your pops.
He came along from England in a musical and cultural era in which we weren’t sure if Boy George was a girl or a boy. It didn’t really matter.
He wore a hat like the hamburglar and makeup. He wore fabric woven into his braids and long, flowing layers, and to me at least, his look transcended gender. He was a tough dude anyway and was madly in love with the band’s drummer.
(Boys and girls fall for the drummers.)
He was probably, in the 80s, punker than I could ever be, but as punk as I felt I could be. His individuality and ability to be so many things in so many spectrums appealed to the teenage me, at odds with myself in all the ways you’d expect a teenage boy to be.
This was my favorite Culture Club song.
5. How many bad words are in the Panda song?
I just did a bad-word count for this song on a post-it note, and now I’ve got the song playing in my headphones.
It began slow with the blue language, then really picked up. As you can see from the photo below, I thought of doing a word-by-word count, but thought better of it when I considered that I’d have a post-it with categories such as shit, bitch and f*ck.
By my count in the lyrics I found, there are 16 bad words in this song.
Someone called Desiigner (which doesn’t even pop up in spell check so they – or he? – must be legit.) sings this. At first, it didn’t sound much like a song. But if I heard it a couple more times, I might even do that head bob thing you hate that I do in public.
Turns out this song has nothing to do with one of the most useless mammals on earth.
He’s singing about a BMW X6. A white one, with tinted windows, resembles a panda. Also, an old-school soccer ball. Or maybe a clump of white rice with burnt pieces of pork in it. Or Penn State helmets when they play a team with black helmets.
Desiigner (he IS a dude, I learned) also sings about lavish material procurement, in the form of drugs and lady friends. And he steals a fancy car in the official video. Wrestler Randy “Macho Man” Savage even gains mention. In rap, anything’s possible.
So, 16 bad words – or roughly my first-quarter count during the Denver Broncos’ loss to Kansas City a week or so ago. I won’t even bullshit about that.