Go Ask Daddy about penalty logistics, feline musculature, and police age restrictions

Stormtrooper flex february 2019 lunch Gatlinburg
Stormtrooper flexes in front of a gigantic bottle of maple syrup I should have swiped from a pancake house in Gatlinburg. We didn’t even eat pancakes.

What a horrible Super Bowl.

GAD GRAPHICDisclaimer: All Super Bowls the Patriots win blow. This one, though? It was like a thousand of those diaper genie poop ropes, tied into one giant plastic bag, resting on Pat the Patriot’s front lawn, lit on fire. (Note: I wrote this Feb. 6. Guess what? The game still stinks!)


I kept waiting for someone to be a star. But mostly it was players missing opportunities. The stage can get too big for some players, especially on their first trip to the big game. Ultimately, we the nacho-breathed viewers, are the ones who take the gut punch.

We kept it fun with traditions in our house:

We make food from both cities (Dodger Dogs and Boston Cream Pie). We play Bingo for prizes (instead of B-12, we have “Tom Brady dropping an F-bomb” or “Tony Romo making a prediction” or “Jared Goff looking triggered.”)

Socks were won, hot dogs destroyed, pie demolished. It’s already next year if you ask me.

photo credit: Ed Yourdon via photopin cc

1. Can a penalty put the ball in the end zone?

No, but I like how you’re thinking.

How would it change the game if a player could cost his team two points with a holding penalty inside the 10-yard line? Actually, one penalty does kind of put the ball in the end zone: Intentional grounding while the quarterback is in the end zone.

That would result in a safety, which is two points for the defensive team. The best part by far about a safety is seeing 323-pound grown men dance around with their palms together over their head – that’s the official’s signal for safety.

Oh, what’s ‘intentional grounding’? Well, check this video out.

pancakes eggs camdyn breakfast

2. Will vegetarians eat eggs?

If only the rules were as clear here as they are for intentional grounding.

Semi-vegetarians – I assume because they’re not fully committed, not because they drive big trucks – can not only eat eggs, they can also eat some meat! Even in Pure Vegetarian ranks there are exceptions.

A Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian – which has nothing to do with ovary deficiency – can eat eggs and dairy, but no meat. (Egg salad sandwich, hold the bacon. I guess?) Ovo Vegetarians (Not Ocho, as in, ‘pick eight non-veg foods I’m allowed to eat) can eat eggs, but no dairy.

Makes for an egg-salad sandwich without mayo, which is the lunch equivalent of Super Bowl 53. Blech.

Either way, vegetarians are VERY shy about their lifestyle and are not likely at ALL to tell you about it and how long they’ve been eating animals’ food.

Charlotte Bobcats
photo credit: Charlotte MLK Day Parade via photopin (license)

3. Can cats have abs?

While researching these questions, I often learn (way) more than I intended to.

  • Case in point: There’s a site called petsabs.com. No, it’s not for a gym to give your cats that summer bod. I did learn something there, though:
  • One cat inherited $12 million from his owner. He’s the fattest of the fat cats.
  • A cat’s hearing is four times better than humans’.
  • Cat owners in Egypt used to mourn the death of their pet by shaving their eyebrows. Theirs, not the cats’.
  • Cats spend ⅓ of their lives cleaning themselves.
  • Cosmo paired hunks with abs with kittens in a successful adoption campaign.
  • Cats do have abdominal muscles. But like me, they prefer not to show them off.

Don’t tell that to these cats, though:

4. Didn’t Tim Howard score?

He did – in a match for his Premier League club, Everton, 12 years ago. Howard, an American goalkeeper who became a meme sensation for his stellar World Cup play last time the U.S. qualified, was just the fourth keeper to score in a Premier League match.

[Click on this site – and then click on the photos to see all the things Tim Howard can save.]

It was a one-touch clearance that bound about 30 yards from the Bolton goal. Howard’s keeper counterpart, Adam Bogdan, could only watch as the wind pushed the ball over his head and into the goal. Howard, out of respect, didn’t celebrate.

He also didn’t come out with a win. His goal put Everton up 1-0 in the 63rd minute. He allowed two scored after that, though.

Madison came close a few times when Queen’s Grant played at Mountain Island Charter. Remember that crappy little pitch behind the power plant? It was as square as a Cheez-it and not much bigger. She wound up with an assist on that field.

5. How old do you have to be to be a cop?

Old enough to remember days when the Broncos and Steelers and Ravens used to make the Super Bowl, too.

Most times, you have to be 21 when you graduate from the academy. Some departments will take you as young as 18. And on the other end of the stick, just because you’re older than 30, it doesn’t mean you can’t realize your dream and walk the beat someday.

Not that I’d make that career change. Thirty was a minute ago for me. It seems unlikely for me anyway. Some states require cadets to take a civil service exam, and those are offered only once a year, or every other year, in some places.

I’d have a better shot at playing in a Super Bowl. Or making lousy jokes about it.

Such as, did you see the halftime score?

Rams zero.

Patriots 3.

Maroon 5.

(When do catchers and pitchers report?)

The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been. (1)


  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Thanks for your answers to always well thought out questions.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thank you for the thank you, LJ. These girls keep coming up with stuff for me!

  2. my30somethingadventures.wordpress.com/ says:

    That is so cool that you make food from both cities – sounds like you have some fun traditions.

    Cats spend a 1/3 of their lives cleaning themselves? Okay now I’ve learnt something new for the day!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      During the playoffs, it’s more Salmon vs. Gumbo and Brisket vs. Barbecue than the teams, even! Cats sleep 2/3 of the time, it seems, so I wonder what percentage of time they devote to destroying the couches.

  3. ksbeth says:

    i love your diaper genie description of the game and i love your game day watching activities, too. at least that was something fun to look forward to and enjoy –

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I wondered if diaper genies were even still a think, beth. And I still miss Katy Perry.

  4. Kathy G says:

    Being from St. Louis (where we REALLY don’t lie Stan Kronke) I didn’t want either team to win the Super Bowl!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      We were like that for Patriots-Seahawks. His wife owns the Denver Nuggets and that always makes me nervous. I don’t live in Colorado anymore, but I don’t want the Nuggets to leave like the Rams did St. Louis!

  5. I’m laughing at the “can cats have abs” question. My dog definitely does not have abs. She has fat.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Our newest cat, Abu, is streamline, so they wondered if he could also be buff! He’s long. And probably there’s abs under the “covering” for your dogs. That’s what I always say.

  6. The Arrogant Worms wrote a song in 1994 called “Carrot Juice is Murder:. My boys and I belted it out along with that ancient cd just this past weekend’s road trip. I’m personally a beef girl!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I need to check out that song! I hope you guys ate burgers on your trip.

  7. And then there are us vegans who consume no animal products, and the pescatarians who eat fish but no other meats.

    My understanding of the law is that animals don’t inherit money, it gets put in a trust fund to take care of the animal. And if you leave the money to the trustee once the pet passes, you better be very sure you can count on that person!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I think I’m an everythingtarian. And what you say about inheritance makes sense. It’s awfully hard to make it rain in the club without opposable thumbs!

  8. I completely agree with you about the Super Bowl. The commercials weren’t even any good. It did sound like you had some good food and fun games, though. The cat trivia was funny…although, I did know that about the eyebrows. My husband shaved off one of his for his ex-girlfriend’s cat. Don’t ask.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I’ve seen better commercials watching reruns of The Jeffersons at 2 a.m.! We always have a blast, though, even when the hated patriots win. I kinda really want to know about the one eyebrow shaved, though.

      Like, a lot.

  9. Beth says:

    Yeah, that Super Bowl was…it was. We’ll leave it at that. I like your idea of a Vikings/Broncos match up next year. I like that you do food from each city, that is a really fun idea!
    Cats with abs – huh. My cat is so fluffy I don’t know if I could find her abs if I tried! LOL

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I can guarantee the AFF championship will be even more compelling than the Super Bowl, and I don’t even know the name of the teams in the new league!

      If it’s Broncs/Vikes, you and I are making a bet. Rocky Mountain Oysters vs. Juicy Lucys? We’ll see.

      Maybe the best abs are the most hidden. I tell myself that, anyway.

  10. Annelise says:

    And this is why you’re the best. The photo, the Patriots poop. All of it.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      This is why I’m glad to be back in touch! Plus, sentences that include “patriots” and “poop.”

  11. Lyn says:

    “Cats spend ⅓ of their lives cleaning themselves.” What a great pity some people don’t consider doing the same 😮 In NSW, there is no upper age limit to join the police force. If you can pass the physical, the legal training and the psych, you’re good to go. One woman recently qualified and became a police officer at 56. She had tried to join the police force twice previously. The first time she failed the minimum height criteria, the second time they weren’t accepting more women when she applied. Third time proved to be the lucky number.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Well the force is better off for having her! What determination. I think our cat spends 1/3 of his time trying to rile us up. You often hear, “Abu, no!” from a distant room in the house and can only wonder what he’s up to.

      1. Lyn says:

        LOL our Maine Coon kitten grabs you by the ankles and to walk you have to drag her along the ground behind you. Unfortunately, they stay “kittens” until they are around 4 years old :/

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        I dig that though!

  12. We were with friends the night of the Super Bowl. I only watched the commercials. Could not care less about who was playing or the NFL in general. Lost a lot of respect over the last few years so there’s that. Add to it, we live in Dallas and the team that plays up there in the stadium owned by some joker who should be taken out back and shot, any love my hubby used to have for the Cowgirls Cowboys left when Tom Landry was fired.
    There will never be any chance I will be a vegetarian so I don’t really care who can eat eggs or not… but I do understand not eating animals to some degree. I just don’t like the ones who get self-righteous to us carnivores.
    Cat videos are not always funny… but those are cute! 😉

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Tom Landry getting fired is about as contrary to what the universe should be all about as non-caffeinated Diet Mountain Dew. That franchise has made headlines for all the wrong reasons since.

      Evolution gave me canine teeth and who am I going to argue with that? Maybe God gave them to me. Even more reason not to argue!

      These cats seem poised to take over earth.

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