Go Ask Daddy about penalty logistics, feline musculature, and police age restrictions

Stormtrooper flexes in front of a gigantic bottle of maple syrup I should have swiped from a pancake house in Gatlinburg. We didn’t even eat pancakes.

What a horrible Super Bowl.

Disclaimer: All Super Bowls the Patriots win blow. This one, though? It was like a thousand of those diaper genie poop ropes, tied into one giant plastic bag, resting on Pat the Patriot’s front lawn, lit on fire. (Note: I wrote this Feb. 6. Guess what? The game still stinks!)

Yuck.

I kept waiting for someone to be a star. But mostly it was players missing opportunities. The stage can get too big for some players, especially on their first trip to the big game. Ultimately, we the nacho-breathed viewers, are the ones who take the gut punch.

We kept it fun with traditions in our house:

We make food from both cities (Dodger Dogs and Boston Cream Pie). We play Bingo for prizes (instead of B-12, we have “Tom Brady dropping an F-bomb” or “Tony Romo making a prediction” or “Jared Goff looking triggered.”)

Socks were won, hot dogs destroyed, pie demolished. It’s already next year if you ask me.

photo credit: Ed Yourdon via photopin cc

1. Can a penalty put the ball in the end zone?

No, but I like how you’re thinking.

How would it change the game if a player could cost his team two points with a holding penalty inside the 10-yard line? Actually, one penalty does kind of put the ball in the end zone: Intentional grounding while the quarterback is in the end zone.

That would result in a safety, which is two points for the defensive team. The best part by far about a safety is seeing 323-pound grown men dance around with their palms together over their head – that’s the official’s signal for safety.

Oh, what’s ‘intentional grounding’? Well, check this video out.

2. Will vegetarians eat eggs?

If only the rules were as clear here as they are for intentional grounding.

Semi-vegetarians – I assume because they’re not fully committed, not because they drive big trucks – can not only eat eggs, they can also eat some meat! Even in Pure Vegetarian ranks there are exceptions.

A Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian – which has nothing to do with ovary deficiency – can eat eggs and dairy, but no meat. (Egg salad sandwich, hold the bacon. I guess?) Ovo Vegetarians (Not Ocho, as in, ‘pick eight non-veg foods I’m allowed to eat) can eat eggs, but no dairy.

Makes for an egg-salad sandwich without mayo, which is the lunch equivalent of Super Bowl 53. Blech.

Either way, vegetarians are VERY shy about their lifestyle and are not likely at ALL to tell you about it and how long they’ve been eating animals’ food.

photo credit: Charlotte MLK Day Parade via photopin (license)

3. Can cats have abs?

While researching these questions, I often learn (way) more than I intended to.

• Case in point: There’s a site called petsabs.com. No, it’s not for a gym to give your cats that summer bod. I did learn something there, though:
• One cat inherited $12 million from his owner. He’s the fattest of the fat cats.
• A cat’s hearing is four times better than humans’.
• Cat owners in Egypt used to mourn the death of their pet by shaving their eyebrows. Theirs, not the cats’.
• Cats spend ⅓ of their lives cleaning themselves.
• Cosmo paired hunks with abs with kittens in a successful adoption campaign.
• Cats do have abdominal muscles. But like me, they prefer not to show them off.

Don’t tell that to these cats, though:

4. Didn’t Tim Howard score?

He did – in a match for his Premier League club, Everton, 12 years ago. Howard, an American goalkeeper who became a meme sensation for his stellar World Cup play last time the U.S. qualified, was just the fourth keeper to score in a Premier League match.

[Click on this site – and then click on the photos to see all the things Tim Howard can save.]

It was a one-touch clearance that bound about 30 yards from the Bolton goal. Howard’s keeper counterpart, Adam Bogdan, could only watch as the wind pushed the ball over his head and into the goal. Howard, out of respect, didn’t celebrate.

He also didn’t come out with a win. His goal put Everton up 1-0 in the 63rd minute. He allowed two scored after that, though.

Madison came close a few times when Queen’s Grant played at Mountain Island Charter. Remember that crappy little pitch behind the power plant? It was as square as a Cheez-it and not much bigger. She wound up with an assist on that field.

5. How old do you have to be to be a cop?

Old enough to remember days when the Broncos and Steelers and Ravens used to make the Super Bowl, too.

Most times, you have to be 21 when you graduate from the academy. Some departments will take you as young as 18. And on the other end of the stick, just because you’re older than 30, it doesn’t mean you can’t realize your dream and walk the beat someday.

Not that I’d make that career change. Thirty was a minute ago for me. It seems unlikely for me anyway. Some states require cadets to take a civil service exam, and those are offered only once a year, or every other year, in some places.

I’d have a better shot at playing in a Super Bowl. Or making lousy jokes about it.

Such as, did you see the halftime score?

Rams zero.

Patriots 3.

Maroon 5.

(When do catchers and pitchers report?)