The questions have begun to dwindle.
The girls just don’t ask as many questions. They have answers. Or, they don’t look to me for them as they once did. This is okay. Seasons change in fatherhood. If they change back, I’ll be ready for that, too.
The list that once pushed 400 is down to 213.
That’s still a lot of Go Ask Daddy. Want to know something? Every single question I’ve answered in this space has genuinely come from my children’s’ mouths. If they never ask another, I’ll have enough for 42 more Go Ask Daddy posts.
And we all know 42 is the answer to the universe.
Some of what they’ve asked, I’m sure they don’t remember. I’ll jot down questions to add to the master list every time they ask. Sometimes, I forget. I wonder how many questions never made it to the list.
1. Is this what vegetarians do?
One of my kids asked this as she stacked up a sandwich with lettuce, tomato, pickles, honey mustard … and no meat.
I’m writing this post at 10:28 p.m. on a Tuesday night. The top three Charlotte vegetarian restaurants that popped up – Jyoti’s World Cuisine; Fern, Flavors from the Garden; and Ma Ma Wok – are all closed.
I can’t pop in with my taco meat breath and ask them how they do their sandwiches.
I’ve written on vegetarianism because to us, it’s a foreign concept. It’s just how it is. We eat bacon and turkey and beef and crab legs (every couple of years.) I pick at vegetarians like the delicious carcass of a lemon pepper rotisserie chicken, but good-natured.
So, yes. They skip the meat, which works out for me. I can put a little extra ham on my sub. It all balances out. I love the universe that way. An extra chicken wing, one more link of sausage, yes to steak fajitas.
2. What do you call it when you get really stressed and puke up blood?
Maybe waking up in the morning and discovering the world is out of pork chops?
It’s an ulcer. Parents and coaches often feel like they’re getting one when things get tricky. It’s also pretty painful. If it isn’t an ulcer, it could be gastritis – when your stomach lining gets all irritated. Either one can make you puke blood as they get more severe.
You can have streaks of blood from your gums or a sore throat, but that’s nothing to the actual act of vomiting blood.
Also, consider whether you’ve had red velvet cake or a bottle of Cheerwine that day. I know, that’s specific. But that’s what it takes to answer some questions. Medically, it’s called haematemesis. Cancer can cause it, too.
Eating spicy food, drinking too much alcohol and smoking can heat up existing gastritis – and I know some people call those three things last weekend.
3. Are there the same colors for markers as there are for crayons?
In the context of all crayons and markers made globally, by all manufacturers, I’m confident in asserting that there’s a marker color out there for every crayon color. Unlike many questions here on the CD’s GAD, this one didn’t have a definitive answer.
In those cases, I just try to drop enough knowledge on your noggin to baffle you.
Did you know Crayola crayons don’t always appear in the same order in every box? It depends on the manufacturing schedule. Probably different shifts start with different colors. Crayolas come in 120 colors, but only 18 hues of the wrapper.
The first pack of crayons had eight colors – black, blue, brown, green, orange, red, violet, yellow – in 1903 (back when I was in junior high.)
Color lovers voted blue the most popular crayon on Crayola’s website. Black crayons melt the fastest because of dark pigments. Yellow, the slowest (lightest pigments.) White might be the most useless crayon ever.
4. What are those dark spots on Olympians’ skin?
You mean the burnt sienna ones or the brick red? Although Olympic athletes are notorious for becoming amorous in the Olympic village, those are not perfectly circular hickies you saw first at the Rio Olympics.
They’re the result of cupping – a therapy practice, not what preteen boys try to do to preteen girls. Geez.
Anyway, it’s like an artificial hickie. It’s an ancient medical practice, even older perhaps than my first box of Crayolas. This fake hickie is said to increase blood flow to muscles, helping them to heal faster. The Olympics don’t take that long, after all.
I remember swimmer Natalie Coughlin looking like she’d be on a date with a handsy octopus. It was my first official case of octopus envy.
5. Would I be a Canadian if I went to a college in Canada?
You’d have to change your citizenship. I’d almost rather you go vegetarian. Although if you’re up at the University of Waterloo cursing under your breath for losing points for spelling errors like centre, offence and favourite, well, that’s more spare ribs for me.
The U.S. Federal student aid program could help you with tuition, but … I dunno.
I guess you could go there for soccer, but why leave the greatest (soccer and otherwise) nation in the world for that? I’ll make no apologies. I’m an American and a carnivore. Not to buck other lifestyles, but this one is pretty rad.
Canadians do better with their colleges than they do with their NHL teams in the playoffs lately. But you have to go where the opportunity is, you know? I get that. Long as you don’t get an ulcer because you miss fourth down in pro football or anything.