Not the first one. One of the last ones. Maybe the last one. There was this epic battle between the mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex (sorry, my generation gave the big guy his due – no T-Rex) battled a mega super ultra mean swole somethingasaurus.
I kept thinking, what could they possibly do to top that?
And then this sea monster pops up and eats that bastard like he’s a potsticker. That’s kind of how 2020 is feeling right about now. You think you’ve wrapped your mind around your circumstance, and then … well, sea monsters.
Sometimes, interesting parallels emerge in Go Ask Daddy questions.
They’re chosen at random. From a list of about 200. When the first two contained the words “alcoholic drink” and “crack cocaine,” I began to question the universe. Namely, what is intends for me. Then, more pressing … did my girls ask these questions, really?
Every week, I try to pick out five questions the girls asked (over years and years) to answer in this space right here. To continue the controversy, the Dallas Cowboys appeared on this list, too. And a doozy of a fifth question. Check it out.
But let’s be honest: The pandemic has me spending a tad more impossible income on spirits. I was disappointed the ABC store sold me a bottle of rum and tequila but didn’t serve them to me in paper sacks.
But it has cachaça, which isn’t on my Walmart pickup list. The Cherry Bourbon Smash sounds like it should have a holiday named after it. I learned a lot reading about this Easy Cherry Lemonade – and it just made me thirsty.
Hayden has extensive knowledge of drugs, thanks to a high school course. She rattles off facts about cannabis, ecstasy, and hallucinogens the way I did about Ankylosaurus, Stegosaurus, Triceratops back in the day.
Cocaine comes in both powder and rock, kind of like there’s a Triceratops and a Zuniceratops which look similar.
They call it cocaine or coke when it’s a powder, and crack or crack cocaine as the rock. I looked up how it’s made, and I won’t go into it in detail, but it sounds a little like how you make rock candy. Which is kinda messed up.
They call it crack because it crackles when it’s cooked.
It’s pretty highly concentrated, so it’s possible to get addicted with just one dose. If you or someone you know might have questions about addiction, they can call the American Addiction Centers at 888-969-0144.
3. Why are they in church on Saturday?
Maybe they lost track of what day it is like I have.
More likely, they’re Seventh Day Adventists. They consider Saturday the sabbath, not Sunday. While some Christians go to church on Sunday, others consider it a true day of rest – like, you can even sleep in on Sunday mornings. I like that.
It’s like those calendars that sometimes start on Sunday, sometimes start on Monday.
Some Jewish folks have services on Saturday, too. Some Christians say they should church on Sunday because that’s the day of the week of Jesus’ resurrection. I was just a boy then, so I’m not positive.
In 321, Roman Emperor Constantine said everyone should rest on Sunday, which is why that’s the one day of the week I won’t clock in for anyone.
4. Who was the guy who jumped into the Salvation Army bucket?
It wasn’t Constantine (because it was on a Sunday.)
That distinction goes to Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott. He hopped into an oversized Salvation Army kettle at AT&T Stadium after a rushing touchdown against Tampa Bay. What a donation
I’ve written negatively about Elliott on this very blog, but I also don’t believe in condemning anyone for life because of something they did or allegedly did.
Elliott has a childlike view of the game that I totally appreciate. He leaped into the kettle and it gave the Salvation Army a good bit of playtime. He wasn’t fined for this, and I agree with that. Donations spiked after his leap, and Zeke made a donation of his own.
The Salvation Army said it got $850,000 in online donations after that – which would buy 91,000 meals for those in need.
5. Why does ‘fine’ sometimes mean something great, like fine dining, and sometimes just so-so-, like, ‘you did fine’?
One thing I’ve learned as a man is that ‘fine’ has a ton of meanings and connotations. You mentioned fine dining – that’s elegant. Think white tablecloths and prices in tiny print on a menu. ‘You did fine’ is the other end of the spectrum – like, meh.
If you say “that girl’s fiiiine,” it means something – and when you do it in front of your significant other, and aren’t talking about her, you might be told that everything is ‘fine.’
I’d rather just PAY a fine for my mistake. It’s a fine line between just appreciating the human form in the form of your friendly neighborhood restaurant server, and committing a major infraction of … appreciating the wrong human form.
Feels like a far-off memory. And I’m not even talking about me. I’m the one who graduated during the Pliocene Era. I’m talking about our kids. They got out of school, then went on spring break (at home), and then learned they won’t be back until fall.
No more pencils, no more books …
Thing is, when you’re Coach Daddy, the learning don’t never quit. The questions keep rolling in. Most of these were from the past, picked from a list of about 200 at random. The most recent: the one about fried ice cream.
No, though. I mean, I love reading others’ blogs, meeting new writers. Seeing new people and people I used to know among commenters. I hate what a reader I become during the #AtoZChallenge, is what I hate.
I’m a shitty one, no bones about it.
And that’s kind of the point of blogging. The interaction. I’m grappling with those times, like tonight, at 10:06 p.m., of whether I should be writing or reading. To keep up, I choose to write, but it sure does feel shitty.
So, there’s a story I want to tell and I don’t care if you judge.
One of my kids made a gesture at the TV yesterday that told a story. We’ve navigated this lockdown like good astronauts (minus zero gravity and Tang.) But as my girls worked on a puzzle during a Hulu session of Malcolm in the Middle, an ad came on and triggered her.
Social distancing doesn’t have to mean we have to be distant socially, the sugary-voiced lady was saying to promote something I can’t even remember.
Instinctively, a middle finger arose. She didn’t even look up from the puzzle. I said nothing. I get it. Social listening data tells us that people love ads like this. They want to know corporate America is in it with us. That they’re doing their part.
The universe aligned and put G right on a Wednesday.
I’m sure Buddha or Jesus wasn’t thinking of my blog when they invented April. Or the #AtoZChallenge. No, it was just a cosmic coincidence. I could technically write about any letters, having satisfied the whole G thing with the Go Ask Daddy part.
But I won’t.
For new folk: Go Ask Daddy is a post I use to answer my girls’ questions. I’ve tried to document every question I’ve been asked since I became a dad way back in 1997. I’ve missed a few, and the document has changed technologies and decades since.
Mine happened in middle school. It lasted on into high school, and, by great fortune, into adult life. My first exposure to The Temptations came with the Daryl Hall & John Oates album Live at the Apollo. I learned fast the history and prestige of playing that venue.
Hearing my favorite Rock N Soul duo mix it up with legends was priceless.
Temptations songs resonated with me at 12 (and 32, and 42) Just My Imagination was my theme song for those formative years. A girl made a mixtape for me with I Wish That It Would Rain on it and it took me a decade to understand what she was trying to say.
I’d hoped this quarantine era would at least give me more casual blog writing time. What it’s become is highly distracted work-from-home time, with work days that drone into the night. At least I know this because I change from day pajamas to night pajamas.
Just getting to this point is a victory, though.
The girls amazingly haven’t had any COVID questions, but there’s plenty in the vault from yesteryear. Hell, some of these questions have been around since the Spanish Flu epidemic. (Or, close to it.)
You can earn money on them. I’ve probably gathered $10 toward my stupendous PayPal balance by revealing my spending habits, taking quizzes about commercials that air during Live PD, and disclosing just how Hispanic I am.
Not overly, it turns out.
I mean, I rock the cuisine and will always retain my honey-roasted complexion. But these surveys ask if we speak Spanish in the home or watch Spanish-language programming. No and no. (Those words, luckily, are the same in English and Spanish.)