5 for Friday: Go Ask Daddy About Parental Punishment, Automobile Bits and Van Halen Hits

I’ve never been to a cock fight. Or a dog fight.

But, I’ve seen plenty of youth soccer.

For all the shouting for blood there, though, there usually isn’t a cash payout. Well, there usually isn’t a threat of a police sting to break up the fun, either. But maybe there should be.

I told my team to warm up with my oldest daughter, Elise, while I had a quick parents meeting.

One girl stepped up with a request: “Can you please ask them to stop yelling at us on the field?”

Today’s batch of questions has a bite to it, from growling parents to sharks and piranhas (they’re an obsession in my house) to David Lee Roth.

1. Can parents get carded?

Technically, no – but I’m in favor of placing them in time-out.

The FIFA laws of the game dictate that only players can draw yellow or red cards for misconduct. Not even a coach can get one, although we can be sent off. Not that one ever should, in youth soccer. It’s as if we’ve forgotten why we’re there in the first place: To foster a child’s love for the beautiful game, while teaching them skills and setting an example of how to handle the highs and lows life tosses at us.

Parents who berates an official, their own child, their children’s teammates or the opposition (including players, parents and coaches) clearly are in need of a hobby.

The American Youth Soccer Organization holds Silent Saturdays every year. It’s a game day devoid of cheering from the parents’ sideline, and coaching the other. It’s not easy. I don’t yell much, but I do like to encourage and remind players of their positions. Not on Silent Saturday, though. I’m all for it.

2. Will a piranha jump out of the water to eat something?

If he did, would he get a red card?

According to a story on komonews.com, a fisherman in Arlington, Wash., late this summer caught a pacu, a relative of the piranha, at Lake Ki. The pacu, a herbivore with dagger teeth, jumps out of the water to – get this – break.nuts. Are you kidding me? A vicious, sharp-toothed fish, who eats nuts?

That’s … nuts.

That’s like LeBron James settling for layups. Or, the Rockies’ Carlos Gonzalez, bunting every at bat. Or, Jennifer Lawrence, wearing a moomoo.

It just ain’t nat’rul.

3. Brakes have shoes?

Yep. And that’s not all.

  • Cars have hoods
  • Tables have legs
  • Potatoes have eyes
  • Planes have noses
  • Combs have teeth
  • Bottles have necks
  • Downtowns have hearts
  • Cyprus trees have knees
  • Christmas trees have skirts
  • And some sidelines have rear ends

Brake shoes are a component of the brake lining in cars that use drum brakes. So, brakes also have drums, in fact. The brake lining is glued or riveted to the shoe, which presses it against the inside of the drum when you, as they say in the south, mash the brakes in your car.

Or, you can do like this guy.

4. How many teeth does a shark have?

Bet you didn’t think this one would come down to math, but according to sharkwatchsa.com, it’s elementary, my dear Grace:

Rate of tooth loss X average life span of the shark = how many teeth in a lifetime

At last (and very fast) count, a great white sports about 24 visible teeth. Behind those are about five rows of developing teeth, ready to spring forth should Sharky McSharkbreath lose one or two on his next seal attack.

Either way, you’re going to take a considerable chomp.

Like, worse than a pacu on a cashew.

5. What songs does Van Halen sing?

I’m a right-leaning, heterosexual carnivore, so this applies to the David Lee Roth era only. Sammy Hagar, who took over as Van Halen’s lead man in 1985, was cool, but Van Halen without David Lee Roth is like LeBron James taking layups. Or Jennifer Lawrence in a dodgers jersey.

Just ain’t nat’rul.

Van Halen’s songs, including Jump, You Really Got Me and Runnin With the Devil (which, fittingly, played on the radio just before Marie’s cross-country debut) are among the hits of their heyday, roughly the mid 70s to mid 80s, most often played today.

I’ll leave you with a video of the most memorable song from my youth, mainly because I was 13 years old. This song (and video) left me with more questions than answers about the world.

And if that ain’t a bite in the nuts from a pacu, I don’t know what is.