5 for Friday: 🍹 Go Ask Daddy About Ke$ha’s Drink, Parking Violations, and Underwater Gun Play

photo credit: #228/366 via photopin (license)
photo credit: #228/366 via photopin (license)

It’s time for a changing of the guard.

The crown of Music Queen at Coach Daddy needs a new noggin on which to rest. In the Music Queen Rule Book, Section XIX, paragraph 32, sentence 4, it clearly states: Status as Coach Daddy’s Music Queen shall be relinquished in the event of:

  1. A drug-related arrest, especially involving bodily cavities
  2. Public (or private) appearance wearing dodgers gear
  3. Consumption of human urine.

Now, to those questions …

kesha2
photo credit: 600full-katy-perry_1 via photopin (license)

1. Is Ke$ha still your girl, even though she drank peepee?

See rules above.

Ke$ha, the edgy, pushy and a tad trashy pop star who claimed the crown because she’s academically brilliant, yet chooses to be edgy, pushy and a tad trashy, reportedly violated the rule on her reality show. It was the last straw.

Ke$ha is like gas-station nachos – you know you shouldn’t, but you do. It’s marvelous, in a not-so-good-for-you way. The girl scored nearly perfect on the SAT and has an IQ of 140. With that logic, edgy, pushy and a tad trashy is commendable, because it’s a choice.

It seemed like sound logic back then. Maybe because I scored considerably lower on the SAT (990), and have never had an IQ test. Or maybe I just don’t remember.

stormtrooper stressy candy dish
Living in a couple of Death Stars that get blown up will do that to a stormtrooper.

2. What is a stress test?

A stress test measures how a system functions when it’s subjected to certain amounts of hardships and pressures.

It could be used to gauge a business’ ability to weather economic downturns, a person’s cardiovascular health when they’re placed on a treadmill, or how gross a pop princess can be before a blogging dad takes back the crown.

I know, I know. This too shall pass.

fire lane
photo credit: park here via photopin (license)

3. If you park in a fire lane to drop someone off, would they get in trouble?

I realize questions 3 through 5 have much to do with the environment in which you live.

Because we constantly see people parked in the fire lane at Food Lion, don’t we? I know it’s hot. I know it’s, like, a couple of dozen steps from an air-conditioned car to the air-conditioned store.

But I think some people mispronounce “Fire Lane” as “Hey, just park here – everyone else uses the parking lot, but you, you’re special.

A fire truck probably isn’t going to need to visit this store anyway, right? In North Carolina, even if you’re in the car unless you’re unloading or loading. You could have your car towed. The day we see that happen is the day I buy you a pony.

 

4. Do people with dark skin automatically get blond hair at some time?

If by “automatically” you mean “leaving 40 volume peroxide in their hair for 45 minutes under a shower cap and the hot, hot sun,” then yes.

I can make fun of people who have dark skin and light hair because I was once one. As an incentive for a team I coached that scored ONE goal the season before I took over, I told the girls that if any of them scored three goals in a game, I’d bleach my hair.

I kept to my word, too. Just in the way I described above.

I didn’t have fun as a blond. I nearly didn’t get a job I applied for (yes, this coincided with a career change, too.) And no one thought I was cute – unless you count the handful of men who noticed when it grew out almost completely, and looked like I had frosted tips.

Apparently, dad was pretty.

But no … what you see in the neighborhood? That’s not automatic.

stormtroopers guns labels

5. Can you shoot a gun underwater?

Has it gotten that bad at the neighborhood pool already?

This is a good question for Myth Busters, but I’ll take a crack at it. A gunshot is a controlled explosion, and your garden-variety explosion has three essentials:

  • Fuel
  • Ignition source
  • Oxygen

To fire a gun, you need fuel (gunpowder), an ignition source (firing pin) and oxygen (in the gunpowder.) If the gunpowder stays dry, you can fire a gun underwater, or even on the moon, because the oxygen is in the gunpowder.

The bullet won’t go far, so it’s not a viable alternative to a fishing pole.

You could even, presumably, shoot bass underwater on Mercury. If you get real close.

king quote guns

5 For Friday: Kid Parties That Will Never Work

kids-parties
photo credit: North Charleston 2016 Harvest Festival & Block Party via photopin (license)

We do some wacky stuff for kids parties.

Ponies. Clowns. Singing mice. That used to be enough. Now, we rent out restaurants. Create horse-riding adventures. Rent bounce houses and cotton-candy machines and maybe even boy bands.

Every year becomes a practice in topping what we did last year. Or what the last kid did.

You served hot dogs and had Lady Gaga sing for your kid’s party? Well, we’ll get Ke$ha and serve pizza. Deep.dish. The Party of the Year can have a few gems on the editing room floor. Some doozies on the “not quite list.”

Continue reading “5 For Friday: Kid Parties That Will Never Work”

5 For Friday: 📋 Things I Never Thought I’d Say To My Girls

stormtrooper lamp may 27 need homeWelcome to the jungle.

Here, things aren’t always as they seem. Survival becomes paramount. Expect the unexpected. Know that the deck is stacked against you. The odds, not in your favor. Things will never be the same.

We’re talking parenthood, y’all.

There are good things. Like when your kid hits a home run. Or aces a spelling test. Or picks her nose at the buffet undetected. There are tough times, too. Like when your kid scores in her own goal.

Continue reading “5 For Friday: 📋 Things I Never Thought I’d Say To My Girls”

Comparing and contrasting the wholesome lyrics of my youth with what passes as music today

photo credit: Stormtrooper via photopin (license)
photo credit: Stormtrooper via photopin (license)

Missing: One cheap little MP3 player and lots of 70’s stuff on it.

Last seen in the presence of a kid who looks a lot like me. DNA testing would be conclusive, I’m sure. It’s true … that’s AC/DC’s “Back in Black” and “Hells Bells” ringing in Madison’s ears through her stolen electronics.

But at least it’s not songs from role models Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus, or Lil Kim.

I got the MP3 free for earning points after drinking more Coke products than recommended by the Surgeon General. (My pancreas may never rust if what they say about Coke’s bumper-cleansing properties rings true.)

Continue reading “Comparing and contrasting the wholesome lyrics of my youth with what passes as music today”