Guest Post: Toby of Dumbass News is My Maine Man

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We’re all about culture up in here, at Coach Daddy.

Toby writes a blog called Dumbass News. No, it’s not the detroit red wings fan newsletter. It has a very distinctive symbol and news that you’d find disturbing and amusing. Or, just disturbing, if it happens to be about you.

He’s here at Coach Daddy today to talk about a refined cultural event that takes place in his home state.

Check out his pages, too, where the language has a few more crayons in its array then we do around here (unless you count all of Kathy’s submissions from Kissing The Frog. She has Toby-esque license, apparently.)

Continue reading “Guest Post: Toby of Dumbass News is My Maine Man”

Parenthood, in 6 Words

photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc
photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc

Parenthood.

It exhilarates, exhausts, disgusts, and lifts us like nothing else possibly could.

How would you sum up the journey in six words? Inspired by Hemingway’s assertion that a story can be told in six words, I asked that to parents around me – at soccer practice, in the blog world, even at the grocery store.

Here are 55 responses … from the anxious to the delirious to the simply joyous, all honest, all from the heart.

1. “Having my heart outside my body.”

Hannah H.

2. “Fulfilling, enduring, exhausting, challenging, thrilling, proud.”

Andrea P.

3. “The most humbling experience in life.”

Matt C.

photo credit: demandaj via photopin cc
photo credit: demandaj via photopin cc

4. “The craziest ride of your life.”

Brittany R.

5. “Heart, bigger. Brain, hurts. Arms, full.”

Alison, author of Writing, Wishing blog

6. “Best job you’ll do for free.”

Amanda P.

7. “My greatest love, joy and anxiety!”

Tara G.

8. “Love, care, teach, manners and values.”

Lamar H., author of Inspirational Basketball blog

9. “One crazy rollercoaster of a bootcamp.”

Erica W.

photo credit: Lotus Carroll via photopin cc
photo credit: Lotus Carroll via photopin cc

10. “Parenthood is elation, exhaustion, heartbreak; repeat.”

Lesley M.

11. “A life turned upside down instantly.”

Christine Carter, author of Mom Cafeblog

12. “Life with kids is beautiful chaos.”

Erica G.

13. “Exhausting sacrifice which brings innumerable blessings.”

Kris B.

14. “Joyful, painful, most rewarding hard work.”

Jennifer H., author of Living in Graceland blog

15. “Days go slow, years go fast.”

Rebecca C., author of The Unsteady Path blog

16. “What the heck was I thinking?”

Kelly S.

17. Never ending, mostly joy-filled adventure.”

Lori C.

18. “Best thing ever happened to me.”

Janet C.

19. “How blessed I am by God!”

Donna H.

cocktail20. “Hand me a very large cocktail.”

Megan M.

21. Selfless, frustrating and rewarding learning experience.”

Beth. H.

22. Love, frustration, anger, humiliation, ache, angst.”

Leslie P.

23. Leaving a legacy by changing diapers.”

Laura O., author of Mommy-Miracles blog

24. “Parents are very loving leaders.”

Rebecca Scarberry, Author of YA novella, “Messages From Henry”
(pigeon hero)

25. “Love, with a side of chaos.”

Ashley T.

26. “Sometimes you just have to laugh.”

Jillian L.

27. “Hurt him and I’ll cut you.”

Renee J., author of “Renée Schuls-Jacobson” blog

28. “What could possibly happen again today?”

Holly Homer, author of June Cleaver Nirvana blog

29. “Extraordinarily humbling, challenging, rewarding lifetime commitment.”

Debbie H.

30. “It’s the most wonderful experience ever!”

Jamie J., author of Kreyv blog.

31. “Instantaneous love combined with eternal worry.”

Lacey E.

32. “Tangible selfless love, an unexpected gift.”

Mandrile Y., author of the Polished Before Shined blog

33. “Most precious gift I could receive.”

Kimberly S.

34. “Learning and growing every single day.”

Tricia, author of Raising Humans blog

35. “The hardest but most fulfilling job.”

Deanna M.

36. “One of the hardest jobs ever.”

Chelsea W., author of MS Mummy of Two blog

37. “Always Be there for your kids.”

Kevin D., author of Sports Dad Hub blog

38. “Rewarding, ever changing, maddening yet satisfying.”

Rhonda S.

39. “The craziest rollercoaster you’ll ever ride.”

Renae Christine, author of Rich Mom Daily blog

40. “Buckle up, and enjoy the ride.”

Kimbra, author of Mommy’s Rambles blog

photo credit: rAmmoRRison via photopin cc
photo credit: rAmmoRRison via photopin cc

41. “Motherhood called me. Leave a message.”

Jen, author of Life on the Sonny Side blog

42. “Re-evaluating what is important in life.”

Tina S., author of One Mom’s Battle blog

43. “Chaos reigns in some sane insanity.”

Teri B., author of Snarkfest blog

44. “The hardest job you’ll ever love.”

Leslie B., author of Time Out For Mom blog

45. “Parenthood is a fantastic rollercoaster ride.”

Brigitte M., writer for Fragrant Man blog

46. “Hardest and best job in life.”

Danielle D.

47. “Keep an eye out; don’t hover.”

Michelle N., author of A Dish of Daily Life blog

48. “Colorful, crazy world of unconditional love.”

Rosey A., author of Mail 4 Rosey blog

50. “Watching your heart walk outside yourself.”

Mehgan B.

photo credit: thejbird via photopin cc
photo credit: thejbird via photopin cc

51. “My life is better with kids.”

Frugie, author of Frugalista Blog

52. “Relentless pressure released by random hugs.”

Cindy R., author of The Reedster Speaks blog

53. “Parenthood is what gives me perspective.”

Jen B., author of Another Jennifer blog

54. “The most beautiful and terrifying adventure!”

Grace, author of Arms Wide Open blog

55. “The biggest, hardest, greatest job ever.”

Sheri Lynch, co-host of “The Bob and Sheri Show

56. “Your reward is becoming a grandparent!”

Pamela K., author of “A Renaissance Woman” blog

57. “First 20 years are the hardest.”

Laurie, author of “The Trophy Mom” blog

58. “Teaches unconditional love and abundant patience.”

Stacy J., author of Stacy Uncorked blog

59. “Teach them compassion and financial survival.”*

Jesse W., author of Do Your Job blog

60. “Gives me plenty to blog about!”

Eli P., author of Coach Daddy blog

What would your six-word sentence read? And which of these do you most associate with?

*-Jesse later added, “I ran out of words, but I would have added: “and then kick them the f*** out of your house.” 🙂 🙂

Guest Post: Ashley from Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others, on Getting Punked, Mommy Style

photo credit: leg0fenris via photopin cc
photo credit: leg0fenris via photopin cc

I am excited that Eli invited me over to have coffee on his virtual patio today. He came and sat around my fire pit last week, so it’s nice to see someone else’s crib. Don’t worry E, I won’t rifle through drawers and cabinets, but I will help myself to a snack and a beverage.

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I am Ashley. I am from Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others. I have five kids from ages 4-14 and another on the way. I write about the general shenanigans and tomfoolery that happen over at my place. I used a little more language over there, so if ya go visit don’t say you weren’t warned 🙂 pull up a chair, top off your coffee, and let’s have some fun.

People say so many rude things to me on a daily basis. None of them have come up with anything new or clever, although they wholeheartedly believe they do. I like to have fun with it. So off the top of my head these are the best things I have used as a comeback. In real life, nine times out of 10, people wonder if they are being PUNKED when I open my mouth. When it comes to strangers, Shock and Awe are generally your best friend.

1. Bless your heart …

 

This is the southern F you. It usually comes at a time of high stress, and is delivered with a head tilt and a look of pity. “Kids are not a disease,” is my usual response. People generally start vehemently apologizing. Heck, one time my kids each scored a candy bar as an apology because the lady actually though she hurt our feelings….

2. Are you done yet? I can’t handle my two. I don’t know how you do it.

I still am not sure if this is a compliment or a condescension. It could be taken either way. Generally, the look of disgust on their face says its the latter. “When I only have three, I consider that a vacation. “Run along quitter, I don’t want to catch anything.”

3) Are you quiverful?

“Yeah, especially when I parallel park.”

4) Do you have them all the time?

“No, I picked them up from boarding school to go to the grocery store.”

5)You should get a TV in your bedroom …

 

“I do, we use it to drown out the sound.”

6) How are you not drunk all the time?

“That’s expensive…. Ooh wait, I have an alcohol fund…”

You would be surprised how many people start to go for their purse or wallet before they catch on.

photo credit: Mikael Colville-Andersen via photopin cc
photo credit: Mikael Colville-Andersen via photopin cc

7. Did you use fertility drugs?

“Yes, the extended release version. It stays in your system for 10 years. I figured I’d get my money’s worth.”

You wouldn’t believe how many people ask for the name so try can give it to someone who is having trouble getting preggers….idiots

8. Wouldn’t it be easier to have multiples?

“When God called, I told him it was OK, I can take one for the team and go one at a time.”

9. You and your husband are pretty active, huh?

 

* Usually with the recurrent head nod, little eyebrow action and if I’m lucky that day a cute little wink. I know what they mean but it’s more fun pretending not to…* “Yeah, we play baseball, volleyball. We do like to swim a lot. I mean we play soccer with the kids. I look like an infant with a weight on one side of their head trying to ride a bike…. Oh… Oooh…oh… How about you? Pretty kinky or wear a snuggie to bed?

10. How do you fit them in the car?

“we put seatbelts on the roof… We really like to reward the children when they are good.”

11. So you aren’t pro-choice?

in my best country twang

 

“Sometimes Daddy lets me pick out the cereal. One time I got to get the expensive soap. I was just tickled when he let me pick out my own Christmas dress.”

12. Are they all yours? You had them all?

“Hey look, there’s a loner – go get him. Hurry, before anyone notices!”

The horrifying look on their face is worth their ignorance….

13. Do you work?

“Well, I was a guinea pig for this condom company, but they shut down last week.”

The person I told this to was severely concerned. She begged for the name. I told her I couldn’t tell her because I signed an non-compete. (Which, by the way, has NOTHING to do with keeping quiet.) Stupid people are so amusing!

14. Do you know what causes that?

“Yeah… I’m pretty sure it’s contagious.”

*cough cough*

They hit the road fairly quickly after that…

15. You’re crazy!!!

“I haven’t been caught since the last time I escaped the asylum… So I guess I’m good now.”

16. Do you use government services?

“Quick…look… Over there, behind that bush. No not that one, my kid is squeezing the lemon over there. THAT ONE. It’s the secret service…quit looking…don’t let them see you, they will think I told you….”

When he asked what? Very concerned and anxious to find out I just answered “the secret of mass fertility to the general public.”

17. Your hands are full …

Usually I answer with a “better full than empty,” but one day this broad had followed me through the store watching, just waiting for her chance to be an arse. So I handed her the biggest thing in my cart, a small bookshelf, and said “now yours are too.”

Did I feel bad when she dropped it on her foot? No….I call that karma.

For some reason people think they can have an opinion on large families. This is me starting a rebellion. Join in. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t count my kids as we walk by…I always know.