5 For Friday: Things I Put Back At The Grocery Store. No, Seriously.

Sometimes, I’m discriminating when it comes to food shopping.

Don’t laugh.

Sometimes, I put stuff back.

And it’s not always frozen spinach.

I once had a series of out-of-body experiences at the grocery store in which I resembled Mr. Weenie in “Open Season.”

I said “Yah!” but then I said “nein!” to all these items.

I promise.

1. An eight-pack of tall Pepsi Max bottles

Goodness. What a long, tall drink of water you are. No, not you Brooke Wyckoff. Your six friends there, in the slinky black dresses. I could say, “this sweet set of six will get me through 12 days,” because they’re supposed to be two serving sizes each, but I know as well as you do I’d roll through it in four days. So, go hydrate a picnic, you sexy thangs.

2. A box of Nilla Wafers

Absolutely golden. I’m only on my second item, and I’m already all google-eyed. Nothing’s better than putting two Nilla wafers in your mouth at the same time, bottom to bottom, and chasing it with a swig of cold Pepsi Max. Mmm. But, back you go, to become some grandma’s banana pudding.

3. Bratwurst

In a past life, I’m sure I was a cheese monger who grilled out at Packers games. If a hot dog is a hot rod, then a bratwurst is the space shuttle, with a full tank of gas. I once lost a bratwurst to a resourceful cavalier King Charles spaniel, and have played catch-up since. But, to another’s grill you must go.

4. White Castles

When we bought our fly 1984 GMC Eagle wagon, the dealership gave out free White Castles, mini onion-laced burgers from Kansas designed by Jesus to be eaten in bulk. I dreamed of entering a White Castle eating contest in Chattanooga. But, this box must clog someone else’s freezer, and arteries.

5. Pork rinds

I can find no other way to put this: Pork rinds are to Hispanics as potato chips are to white folk. They serve them at Mexican baseball games, with a goodly dose of Tabasco. They don’t even have any carbs! But they have as much sodium as the Indian Ocean. I’ll let one of my hermanos enjoy this bag.

Plus, what’s a good bag pork rinds without a Pepsi Max to wash them down?

Off to the produce section. I think it’s over there, behind the bakery.

But I’m not sure.

What about you – what item have you recently grabbed, put then put back? And which of these things would you vote back into my cart?

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