Go Ask Daddy About Pickle Properties, Bony Behemoths and Ballot Busters


photo credit: Joz3.69 via photopin cc
photo credit: Joz3.69 via photopin cc

I’ve gone to preach it on the mountain, y’all.

Coach Daddy is on the road, and on the pulpit. Can I get a witness?

Sandy Ramsey asked me to guest post this week on Mother of Imperfection.

I proposed the topic “How I Quit Yoga, and Still Manage to (Mostly) Manage Stress.” I tried yoga at work, but from the window, I looked like armadillo road kill among a troop of foxes. So I had to find another way.

Hint: My solutions are heavy on Krispy Kremes and disc golf. It’s like I’m the lovechild of Deepak Chopra and the Cake Boss.

Go read the gospel – after you’ve seen what the kids had on their mind this week.

1. Who was that football player who drank pickle juice on the sideline?

He’s Boise State’s Jay Ajayi, and his pickle-juice guzzling ways have made him a YouTube sensation. Jay had just rambled off two touchdowns against Air Force, and unwound with a Costco-sized jar of Mt. Olives.

Pickle juice has electrolytes and combats leg cramps. A quick check of the nutrition label reveals one pickle contains 210 milligrams of sodium. That’s 70 milligrams more than a suggested serving.

Still, it’s better than some dumb Seahawks player who celebrates touchdowns with Skittles. Pass the pickle juice, Jay.

2. What would happen if I put this in the microwave?

photo credit: Mike_tn via photopin cc
photo credit: Mike_tn via photopin cc

What, the jar of pickles?

This isn’t a great conversation to have with an experimental third grader. Because microwave pizza comes with that metal-ish box you nuke with the pie, right? It’s aluminum lined, and designed to soak up microwaves. These turn your crust brown just like in a pizzeria. Ish.

You know how you can have one beta fish and everything’s cool. But, if you add one, there’s a fight? It’s like that with metal in a microwave. Your spoon disrupts the distribution of electrons.

Reflected electrons lead to an electrical potential that exceeds the dielectric breakdown of air.

That could blow a hole in your microwave, or break it. Then you’re in a pickle.

3. Do sunfish live in the ocean?

photo credit: makitani via photopin cc
photo credit: makitani via photopin cc

Boy, do they.

Ocean sunfish win the award for the sea’s biggest bony fish. They’re about 2,000 pounds each.

They like to float on the water surface and flap their dorsal fins. Why?

In reverence to air travelers, is one theory. Or, they might bask in the sun a bit after deep dives in cool water to hunt for jellyfish.

Another theory is that they wave their dorsal fin to attract seabirds to eat parasites off their skin.

Or maybe it’s just a marine form of the yoga pose sun salutation.

4. Does baseball have plays like football?

The only difference is there’s tobacco juice, and not pickle.

Baseball is more situational than football. Plays for third-and-9 and second-and-1 differ, of course. But baseball follows conventions that dictate what you should do in certain situations.

With a man on first and three-run lead late in a game, a defense won’t hold the runner because his run doesn’t matter.

You’ll hear infielders call out “play’s at any bag!” or “infield back!” to prevent an extra-base hit. The score, the inning and even whether a batter is lefty or righty can impact convention.

Or, in the case of my poor Colorado Rockies, the game plan is to swing hard – just in case you hit it.

5. How old do you have to be to vote?

photo credit: Vox Efx via photopin cc
photo credit: Vox Efx via photopin cc

In the U.S., you must be 18 to vote in a primary election.

That’s just a suggestion, because some people feel you shouldn’t have to show an ID at the polling place. Somehow, it’s un-American. So, Elise, at 16, if you want to, you should vote. Twice, if you’d like.

And to vote on American Idol, there’s no age limit!

At age 18, you can get a tattoo, work full-time, buy liquid white-out, get married (or divorced), go on a cruise, skydive, get a Blockbuster membership (what’s that??), donate blood, get a non-prepaid mobile phone, smoke a cigarette, become an undercover cop, buy Nicorette gum, work in a place that serves alcohol, work at Wal-mart, pay a utility bill, get a credit card, get licensed to buy a monkey, order something on QVC, operate machinery at work, work at a convenience store, rent a port-a-potty (or a house), deliver newspapers for the Tampa (Fla.) Tribune, start a business, drive a company car, and make many of your own decisions, such as whether to put a spoon in the microwave.

But if you’re smart enough at 18 to read my posts … you’ll know better.

bull durham

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32 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Pickle Properties, Bony Behemoths and Ballot Busters

  1. Set fire to the work microwave once when I worked as a civilian guard for the air force. I had my lunch in one of those aluminium takeaway containers. If you wrap them in paper towel you can nuke them. I put it in the oven, went and sat on the loo and when I came out the kitchen was full of firemen. “Oh, my lunch is cooked is it?” They weren’t happy, naturally the paper caught fire and the ensuing smoke dragged them away from whatever firemen do between fires. More great intriguing questions this week Mate. Caught a little sunfish once.

    1. The little sunfish don’t put up much of a fight, mate. Nothing compared to a bloke on the loo with his vegamite on fire, anyway. Your comment was a mini guest post, my man. Love it.

    1. Have you tried it, Michelle? Marie bought Grace a jar of pickles for Christmas, and you’d have thought it was a puppy. Unbridled love.

      Who doesn’t love a good Bull Durham quote?

  2. Pickle juice is yum. Surefire way to set the microwave on fire…forget to add water to the microwave MAC n cheese cup…coworker did this.

      1. Yep, straight. Dill though, never sweet.

        The smell was so nasty. We did get a new microwave out of it…hmmm.

  3. I love the baseball quote! And as for pickles….we go through an enormous amount of them in our house. I should say my ten year old son goes through an enormous amount of them in our house.

  4. Why did I think they were asking if they could microwave a bulldog! Truly, it has been a long week and I truly saw the photo and my mind went to that and no excuses. Just tired and need a nap, quiet time and nice glass of wine I suppose. But seriously love that you have been all over the internet this week and can never get enough of you, ever!! 🙂

    1. Ok … I switched it! The bulldog is cool, but definitely not microwavable. By all means, please still go with the nap, quiet time and glass of wine.

      All this web traversing has worn me out. I might need a glass of wine, too. Or a donut.

  5. Actually, people swear by pickle juice for morning sickness in early pregnancy! Who knew? I did like pickles then. I like them now too. Mmm…
    I told Des he can’t shave his head until he’s 18.

    1. You don’t suppose that football player was pregnant, do you? I wonder if he knows. Grace always steals the pickles off my burger, anyway.

      Des shouldn’t even *cut* his hair until he’s 18.

  6. “With a man on first and three-run lead late in a game, a defense won’t hold the runner because his run doesn’t matter.”

    Unless you’re the Phillies, then no lead is a safe lead. True story.

  7. what a fantastic run, eli. and i would like to email you my microwave questions as they come up. i have been using the trial and error method with less than successful results.

  8. I didn’t realize pickles had so much sodium – I better take some with me to my 50 mile race next month – you can never have too much sodium then!!!
    I set a microwave on fire once when I put a burger wrapped in aluminum in it – oops!!! (at least it wasn’t my microwave!)
    I enjoyed your guest posts this week – fun stuff.

    1. So when you get a PR, give me a little fist bump, would you?

      Please tell me your hamburger was OK after that. I hate the thought of a precious burger going unrealized.

      Thanks on the guest stuff Kim – it’s good to play a road game now and then.

  9. wow – our little sunfish up here are the ones your always throw back because they so small. There’s no eatin on them at all. but they put quite a fit for such itty bitty fishies. they’re like the terriers of the …..er, Great Lakes.
    there’s got to be a joke about a pickled herring here somewhere, but like a flyball to left centrefield — it’s rather out of my grasp right now.
    I think I’ll just go watch Bull Durham now.

  10. I have to tell ya, once I saw the two magical words “Krispy Kreme”, you kinda lost me. I started thinking how I haven’t had one in YEARS because they came to New England, but got pushed out by Dunkin Donuts. Man, I could go for a donut right about now.

    1. Did you hear symphony music when you read “Krispy Kreme,” because i sometimes do. What kind of a town would pick a Dunkin Donut over a Krispy Kreme?

      God bless the south. I could get one right now if I wanted to.

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