It was … un-American.
It was maybe even unethical. It was inhumane. Who designed the label on the mockery of soda that found its way into my cart? He ought to answer to a Supreme Court, and then Jesus.
Because it said “Zero,” which means zero calories. Right?
It also means zero credibility. But there, in the fine print, undetected, was the crime: No caffeine!
Why on God’s chemically-induced earth?
Few word pairs elicit this degree of piss and vinegar in a dad. Well, at least in me. Others? Go raiders. Go lakers. Go dodgers. Go giants. No pizza. Sounds hellish, doesn’t it?
I choked down this distortion of soda. I then couldn’t help but stew a bit and consider the list of fake shit, and other travesties.
What would you add?
1. Caffeine-free soda.
2. Pleather.
3. Veggie burgers.
4. Anything with soy that should be meat.
5. Plasticware that looks like silverware.
6. Smartcars.
7. Canned chicken.
8. Flannel-looking shirts that are 100% polyester.
9. Mugs that look heavy. So heavy that you lift them hard to your face and there’s a train wreck between your teeth and the mug.
10. Baked potato chips. Eat a pita, Dr. Oz.
11. Fat free ranch dressing. Melted plastic is more palatable.
12. The genius who decided an outdoor football stadium in Seattle would be brilliant. Or one in Minneapolis would be slick.
13. The genius who decided a domed football stadium in Atlanta would be slick. Or one in Tampa would be brilliant.
14. Autocorrect on texts.
15. Not having autocorrect when I post comments from my smartphone. (Must I type everything right?)
16. Right-handed desks.
17. Caffeine-free tea.
18. Dollar-store earbuds.
19. Smartphone cases from China that don’t even fit.
20. Spam.
21. And the food Spam, too.
22. Cigarette butts in pine needles in the landscaping.
23. Single-ply toilet paper. Dammit.
24. Litter boxes.
25. Cat litter that says it controls odor. Don’t lie. Cat piss is cat piss.
26. Morning fingers so cold that you can’t squeeze out blood for a glucose monitor.
27. People who try to convince me to line up for a flu shot. No.
28. Wrinkle-resistant clothing.
29. Stain-resistant clothing. You should have invited me to the lab before you made that label, sparky.
30. Value menus at fast food joints. Just name it “menu for people too poor to even eat a meal at a fast-food joint.”
31. Snack-sized portions. Please. This is America.
32. Commercials for Walmart that show happy employees. Where are they?
33. The animal noises Adam Levine passes off as music.
34. House-broken cats. No.such.animal.
35. A wallet with gobs of receipts in it, but no cash.
36. Egg beaters.
37. Recipes that tell you to separate the egg yolk. You do it, asshole. I’m putting the whole egg in. Try and stop me.
38. Dollar-store sandwich cookies that, on first bite, have a twinge of … jalapeno. This is a thing. Anyone else with me on this one?
39. Captcha, for comments. Healthcare.gov looks slick by comparison.
40. Late-season NFL officiating.
41. As Seen On TV anything.
42. Opposing coaches who are jovial when they’re ahead, and boorish when they’re behind.
43. Deodorant, without antiperspirant.
44. Clip-on ties.
45. Loud-ass mufflers built like that on purpose.
46. Groupon offers.
47. Coupons with fine print.
48. McDonalds’ dine-in tax.
49. 86% of basketball fouls.
50. Knockoff crap on eBay.
51. The bathroom scale. It can’t be right. Can it?
52. The Utah Jazz and Los Angeles Lakers. Stupid names.
53. Cashiers who double-plastic-bag a jug of milk.
54. Cashiers who even single-plastic-bag a jug of milk.
55. Disney’s mitts on Star Wars. Makes me sick.
56. Announcers’ love for Marshawn Lynch. Why?
57. People who buy each other a Lexus on Christmas commercials.
58. Restaurants that use peanut oil, because it’s cheap.
59. Smartphone screen protectors. They just leave huge bubbles, like on a waterbed, and trap eyelashes on the screen.
60. Home-field advantage in Denver. It’s not the same in the new stadium. #NoPlaceLikeTheRealMileHigh
Just a dad ... 
This was BRILLIANT!!! Oh, I’m SO glad I came by to take in some Eli talent. I have been laughing and nodding my way through this entire list Eli!!!
However… I really like my milk bagged. One bag. AND…I must say that I drink diet soda caffeine free. (Gulp) BUT I drink my coffee DARK AND CAFFEINATED. As it SHOULD BE.
*decaf coffee* Add that to the list.
I’m so glad this was the first comment- decaf coffee is one of the largest offenses out there.
And aren’t you impressed that it came so early in the morning too, AD?
You’re too kind, CC! So glad you’re here though – and to think, if I had picked up the right bottle of soda, I might be spending today writing about my poor, poor Broncos.
I never have anything bagged that has a handle. Why do you do it, CC? No judgement. Just trying to understand.
In 2015 so far, all 12 days of it, I have managed to not use a single plastic grocery sack. Unless you count the one by my couch right now for my tissues. (Yes, I’m sick, and I don’t mean like Tony Hawk.)
Caffeine is my life blood, that’s all. Did I tell you I tried sacking soda on Christmas? I didn’t make it to noon.
Yes, decaf coffee belongs on the list!
Yikes…I will try not to make you angry. Two swear words, wow. Any drink that occurs with caffeine must stay that way. 27, F yes. Don’t guilt me into one. Ain’t gonna work. Fat free anything. Some food is meant to have fat and to replace fat with sugar or something fake does nothing to make it healthy. As much as I hate sugar, same goes.
Same goes with people. Don’t ignore me when I’m alive and cry at my funeral. If there is a way, I will haunt you for f’n ever.
I woke up this morning and said, “did I just call fancy recipe writers assholes? I think I did.”
If I could find a way to add caffeine to milk, I would. Maybe give Coke to cows?
If I’m a ghost, I’ll do mischief, like tie Tom Brady’s shoestrings together in the huddle.
I absolutely loved this, Eli and wouldn’t add much to your already perfect list, because you truly said a mouthful here today and then some!!
It was a bit of a rant, eh? Boy needs his caffeine.
Lol, it was well before my morning dose of caffeine, too 😉
BC – definitely means ‘before caffeine’ and it defines everything, doesn’t it?
Yes so damn true – more then you would ever know!
“Anything with soy that should be meat” …Outstanding.
I wish that had been written into the constitution, or at least the New Testament.
I loved this list – so many great ones but the biggest is the commercials for Walmart with happy pleasant employees – I’m still looking for one in real life!!!!
Right? And the wide aisles on the commercials, and clean floors. When we go, they’re always stocking the shelves and it looks like there’s Chex mix from 1978 spread on the floor.
That is one awesome list. My daughter with T1D would add to #26 lancet needles that are so blunt they won’t poke through the skin (to which I tell her to change her darn needle already).
Also, you’ve learned a very important lesson here, never buy a Coke product in a gold can. They are always caffeine-free instruments of the devil.
Thanks Cassandra – who knew so much vitriol could spew from a wretched bottle of caffeine-free soda?
I used to use a lancet for like a week, but I’ve started changing them out every time, just like the book says.
Gold really is worthless in this case, isn’t it? “Caffeine-free instruments of the devil” is right.
Oh, you know I’m with you on #58 and so is X! Why?!??!?
Oh yes, No. 58 is the worst. Cheapskates, that’s why.
Well as a fellow no-flu-shot friend, I will agree to disagree about the aluminum-free deodorant without antiperspirant. 😉 I wear mine with pride….I just keep my arms close to my sides. My addition to your list would be dairy-free cheese. It sucks. Every brand. I would rather eat odor control cat litter.
I’m definitely aluminumated, aren’t I? Add that to the aspartame and maybe that’s a recipe for disaster.
Dairy-free cheese is an abomination. It shouldn’t be allowed to even classify itself a cheese. Now I’m fired up again.
You are both aluminated and I picture you as very illuminating. Life of the party kinda guy. If the aspartame doesn’t kill ya first. 😉 Sorry, couldn’t help it. Chocolate will be the death of me.
Well, depending on the appetizers, I can unleash my extrovert side in the right conditions.
Oh my goodness! This is a brilliant list!
My fake addition?
The last 0:53 of a basketball game.
Thanks Michelle! I thought, “I should do a top 10 list,” and well, piss and vinegar being what it is … boom.
All that goes on is fouls. And that damned horn. And probably 12 TV timeouts. I’m with you on that.
OMG…I don’t usually watch basketball until March for that reason 🙂
I’d do that – but by then, my school is already out of the picture. We don’t do March Madness – we do February Follies.
I hear you there!
Wow! You’re really on a roll here. Loved it!
Thanks my brother. I really got a good lather going. Indianapolis’ defense didn’t help.
I think Peyton is also past his “best before” date.
Sad but true. I had a feeling after the Rams loss, and it got magnified when he missed all those downfield shots that would have been touchdowns.
HAHAHA I am cracking up. What is the point of not having caffeine in soda? It like the people who say they don’t like chocolate. Those people need help. Serious help.
Right? It’s like a hairless cat or meatless lasagna. Sure, you can, but why?
I think chocolate non-lovers and albino jellyfish are about the same as far as rarity.
love this, eli. boobs?
boobs! boobs should make the list. why didn’t i think of that?
Haha!
Well… If you come to Utah, you’ll see a lot of types of caffeine free sodas. It’s really weird, but people want caffeine free versions of coke, mountain dew, Dr. Pepper, and more.
Also, I have a plan to fix #20. Spam. Not the stuff in the can, and really only one kind of spam – if I can swing it.
That might be a reason to never go to Utah. If their caffeine-free versions mean more caffeine for my versions, however, who am I to argue with that?
You going to write about this spam-killing idea of yours?
They still sell the caffeinated varieties, never you fear.
I did write about my idea. 🙂 Today, in fact! I’m still giggling about it.
I’d better go check it out.
This is outstanding – a fantastic collection. I would previously have agreed wholeheartedly on the no-caffeine soda. What is the point? It tastes different, it does. But one of my goals right now is to eliminate soda, so I have to be in the crowd for whom it’s kind of irrelevant. It occurred to me that we won’t allow our daughter to have it, but yet will drink it ourselves. She pointed out the irony. We couldn’t argue. Besides, I know my body could fare better off it for a lot of reasons. But that’s just me. On the subject of coffee, however, never decaf please. I may be trying to kick soda, but you’ll have to pry my coffee from my cold dead hands.
I own one of those wallets with receipts but no cash…I am a victim of the debit card world. I never have cash except for the emergency 20 I stash so I’m never without cash in case the debit system doesn’t work (it’s happened to me more than once and it feels like shit) but I usually have it stashed so well I can’t find the darn thing. This is probably good, though.
So many great ones. The Hub agrees on the soy anything that should be meat – he’s a committed meat lover and won’t even talk about things like tofu or veggie burgers.
I would have to add to your list people who so clearly have dyed hair who insist it’s their own. If you dye your hair, own it – nobody really judges that stuff. But don’t pretend because you aren’t fooling anyone.
I think it should be grandfathered in, caffeinated soda. It’s like in baseball, when they banned tobacco use in the minor-leagues. They let the vets do it.
But the change affected the next generation.
Tofu and veggie burgers are fascist. That’s all there is to that argument.
Do people really lie about the dye?
I’m with you on the tofu. I’ve been known to make a decent veggie burger, though.
Some people lie about their dye, yes. Not so many anymore, I think, though. It’s somehow become much more accepted. But some still can’t come clean.
Maybe color is like toupees. Do men still wear toupees?
Ahahahaha – a great rant filled with a lot of useless and confusing things.
I feel much better now.
Yes and amen!! Great list!
Can I get a witness? Glad you liked it, Kathy.
ha! seriously loved everything on this list. caffeine free–gimme the reallll stuff
Thanks Elle – who knew caffeine-free soda could spark such a rant? Caffeine and synthetic agents like it should be allowed to occur naturally or unnaturally as warranted.
HAHA, this is a FANTASTIC list! I remember the first time I accidentally bought fat-free cream cheese. EWWWWWW. Tasted gross, and trying to spread it on my bagel was impossible. What a waste!
Thanks Katie! Probably the ‘fat free’ was in tiny type or in a shade of a primary color hardly detectable with the human eye. That’s how they get us.
You can use that stuff as spackle in a pinch.
110% with you on autocorrect (in both instances) and just the egg yolk. One slipped down the drain the other day when I was trying to separate it. It didn’t even cheat death, so no one won.
I do like the disney/star wars angle because of the ride at Disney World and because I’m curious how their future theme park plans will play out. This is probably exactly what a purist would dislike.
They’re just unnatural, all three, Kristen. Maybe the yolk tried a daring escape. And no one wins then.
Rides might be okay, but for a dude who won’t get to Orlando any time soon, all I see are gifs of Darth Vader dancing to Can’t Touch This and a piece of my soul dies.
Funny, because when Taco Bell put Star Wars bobbleheads in kids’ meals, I was on board with that.
Baahahahaha, one would think you’ve had your share of Coke Zero to recognize the sh** that comes in the pretty golden cans!
Is anything else biting you?
I have one for your list: painless birthing experience
Well, when a brother tries to save a dime … actually, it was a big blue 2-liter in my case.
I think that list took care of it. I did think of something that night when I lay down to sleep, after I published, but it went away. I can speak nothing of painless birth, but I will take it on your good authority!
Oh no, 2 Liter of caffeine free sh**, no I’m really feeling for you!
Take it from me and every other mommy in here: no such thing as a painless birth. But you knew that.
Yeah, I’ve had a few tours of duty in the maternity ward.
Very funny! My favorite was “11. Fat free ranch dressing. Melted plastic is more palatable.” though I have to admit, I like veggie burgers. 😉
Thanks Elizabeth! Fat-free ranch can ruin any salad, even with cheese, sunflower seeds and bacon. Real bacon!
I think the veggie-burger camp and All-Beef Nation can peacefully co-exist.
The new stadium is NOT Mile High. It’s just not. I heard that they tried to build it so that it would continue to shake when everybody does the Mile High Thunder but it’s not the same. My uncle has had season tickets (right near the Barrel Guy) for I think 35 years or something like that. I think he got a couple of the seats from the old stadium. Still not the same.
And fat-free anything – eat a pita! And spam. Bleh. Also my scale isn’t right either. Awesome awesome list, Eli! I love it!
It isn’t at all, Kristi. The old place had mystique. Atlanta’s new stadium is supposed to have seats that vibrate during big moments to remind people to get noisy.
No football fan needs a rumbling seat for that.
Remember the old days, 3rd-and-long, at Mile High, and you just knew John Elway would come through?
I emptied out all my pockets and took off my shoes this week at the doctor’s office. All scales suck.
I need a donut.
Single ply toilet paper – I don’t get it. Really.
And this was brilliant.
It goes – fast. Especially with kids in the house.
Thanks Louise!
I really love this and so many made me laugh out loud. You do actually sound just a teensy bit angry at some of them….but it’s totally understandable. Don’t be picking on Adam Levine though. I can’t let you do that.
Serioiusly? Great post!
I did get a bit lathered up and might have even threw my cap at some point. I just don’t get the allure of Adam Levine. Diana Krall, now *she’s* dreamy.
Butter-free popcorn. Or butter-flavoured popcorn. Just put butter on it…damn it! I can’t eat it but I can savour the smell! And mayonnaise-type dressing? And I’m sorry – flavoured green tea tastes like hay, no matter how many berry flavours you toss in it! Now I’m getting all riled up… lol
Abominable. Popcorn should be savored in its buttery goodness. With salt. Plenty of salt. Would you consider ranch or bleu cheese mayonaisse-ey dressing? Because those are good in my book. Tea has caffeine, but not the right grade for my engine. Doesn’t do it for me.
it’s easy to rev up a rant, isn’t it?
I needed a good rant – stress relief! And ranch or bleu cheese mayonaisse-y stuff? They have that? Cool!
I’m good for a decent rant every few months, Jenn. Glad you chimed in.
Non-alcoholic beer
Definitely pointless, Nina! Like beer is this delicious mixture … if I’m going to drink something that tastes bad, I’ll have a V8. At least I’m getting my veggies!
Omg dying. laughing so hard I can’t even think of a good fake myself. which means I am NOT fake laughing. straight up, no BS LOLing.
Oh I got one! short forms in place of real words? 😉
TBH (ha), the very first thing I did think of was boobs. like the really ginormous, how does she stand up straight kind of big. then I remembered, this is a man’s blog.
Real life LOLing, huh? That’s kinda cool. I don’t even like abbreviations, like Den. for Denver. Just spell it! Or college names. N.C. St. No. North Carolina State. N.C. State is acceptable.
Just because this is dude territory it doesn’t mean fake boobs automatically get a pass. Some guys abhor such things that are a detriment to beauty as it the Lord made possible. You know, like artificial turf, high schoolers in the NBA draft, the designated hitter, and silicon.
If you type LOL – and don’t actually do it – I think you need to examine your life. 🙂
you never disappoint me Coach!
Did you know I’ve never used LOL, except for to say that I never use LOL?
Thank goodness for my ability to come through for you, Les – or at least for your low standards that allow me to thrive!