It was … un-American.
It was maybe even unethical. It was inhumane. Who designed the label on the mockery of soda that found its way into my cart? He ought to answer to a Supreme Court, and then Jesus.
Because it said “Zero,” which means zero calories. Right?
It also means zero credibility. But there, in the fine print, undetected, was the crime: No caffeine!
Why on God’s chemically-induced earth?
Few word pairs elicit this degree of piss and vinegar in a dad. Well, at least in me. Others? Go raiders. Go lakers. Go dodgers. Go giants. No pizza. Sounds hellish, doesn’t it?
I choked down this distortion of soda. I then couldn’t help but stew a bit and consider the list of fake shit, and other travesties.
What would you add?
1. Caffeine-free soda.
3. Veggie burgers.
4. Anything with soy that should be meat.
5. Plasticware that looks like silverware.
7. Canned chicken.
8. Flannel-looking shirts that are 100% polyester.
9. Mugs that look heavy. So heavy that you lift them hard to your face and there’s a train wreck between your teeth and the mug.
10. Baked potato chips. Eat a pita, Dr. Oz.
11. Fat free ranch dressing. Melted plastic is more palatable.
12. The genius who decided an outdoor football stadium in Seattle would be brilliant. Or one in Minneapolis would be slick.
13. The genius who decided a domed football stadium in Atlanta would be slick. Or one in Tampa would be brilliant.
14. Autocorrect on texts.
15. Not having autocorrect when I post comments from my smartphone. (Must I type everything right?)
16. Right-handed desks.
17. Caffeine-free tea.
18. Dollar-store earbuds.
19. Smartphone cases from China that don’t even fit.
21. And the food Spam, too.
22. Cigarette butts in pine needles in the landscaping.
23. Single-ply toilet paper. Dammit.
24. Litter boxes.
25. Cat litter that says it controls odor. Don’t lie. Cat piss is cat piss.
26. Morning fingers so cold that you can’t squeeze out blood for a glucose monitor.
27. People who try to convince me to line up for a flu shot. No.
28. Wrinkle-resistant clothing.
29. Stain-resistant clothing. You should have invited me to the lab before you made that label, sparky.
30. Value menus at fast food joints. Just name it “menu for people too poor to even eat a meal at a fast-food joint.”
31. Snack-sized portions. Please. This is America.
32. Commercials for Walmart that show happy employees. Where are they?
33. The animal noises Adam Levine passes off as music.
34. House-broken cats. No.such.animal.
35. A wallet with gobs of receipts in it, but no cash.
36. Egg beaters.
37. Recipes that tell you to separate the egg yolk. You do it, asshole. I’m putting the whole egg in. Try and stop me.
38. Dollar-store sandwich cookies that, on first bite, have a twinge of … jalapeno. This is a thing. Anyone else with me on this one?
39. Captcha, for comments. Healthcare.gov looks slick by comparison.
40. Late-season NFL officiating.
41. As Seen On TV anything.
42. Opposing coaches who are jovial when they’re ahead, and boorish when they’re behind.
43. Deodorant, without antiperspirant.
44. Clip-on ties.
45. Loud-ass mufflers built like that on purpose.
46. Groupon offers.
47. Coupons with fine print.
48. McDonalds’ dine-in tax.
49. 86% of basketball fouls.
50. Knockoff crap on eBay.
51. The bathroom scale. It can’t be right. Can it?
52. The Utah Jazz and Los Angeles Lakers. Stupid names.
53. Cashiers who double-plastic-bag a jug of milk.
54. Cashiers who even single-plastic-bag a jug of milk.
55. Disney’s mitts on Star Wars. Makes me sick.
56. Announcers’ love for Marshawn Lynch. Why?
57. People who buy each other a Lexus on Christmas commercials.
58. Restaurants that use peanut oil, because it’s cheap.
59. Smartphone screen protectors. They just leave huge bubbles, like on a waterbed, and trap eyelashes on the screen.
60. Home-field advantage in Denver. It’s not the same in the new stadium. #NoPlaceLikeTheRealMileHigh