The JumboTron has spoiled us a bit.
I took my U11 girls soccer team – the Dynamite – to a game at Hickory Ridge High. Some kids weren’t watching when Northwest Cabarrus scored one if its goals – a pretty nice shot, actually.
Those who missed it instinctively looked toward the end zone, hoping to catch the replay on JumboTron. Not in Harrisburg, N.C., you won’t.
It made me think of Arizona Cardinals receiver Larry Fitzgerald, a favorite of my girls. As he sprinted to a 70-plus yard score during Super Bowl XLIII, he glanced wide-eyed at the JumboTron at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, just to see who was around him.
Funny, he could check on the widening gap between him and all Pittsburgh Steelers defenders, yet officials couldn’t look at it to see Santonio Holmes’ alleged winning touchdown actually shouldn’t have counted.
One foot in, incomplete pass.
We’re not bitter, though. As Ice Cube once said, “The worst thing you can do about a situation is nothing.”
So, we’ll keep complaining.
Here’s what the girls have asked lately.
1. Are those just big TV screens?
Yes. It’s the ultimate big-screen TV. God bless America.
Sony created this technology so that Larry can check where Troy Polamalu is, but also so we can see close-ups of Ellie Goulding or Ke$ha or The Kinks in concert. JumboTron is Sony’s registered trademark, but, like Kleenex is for tissues and Tampax is for … well, like Kleenex is for tissues, it’s the accepted lexicon for any big-ass TV screen in any big-ass stadium.
Except at Hickory Ridge High in Harrisburg. There, you have to pay attention the first time something cool happens.
2. Does the guy who does Ferb’s voice do two people’s?
No. Thomas Sangster voices Ferb, the green-haired brother on Phineas and Ferb, and only Ferb. It’s also not true that the premise – two step-brothers who embark on epic science projects to the chagrin of older sister Candace – was conceived from the diaries of a delusional real-life big sister who committed suicide, as one of your sisters might have gleaned from Facebook or some such.
Although, Grace and Marie, I think you make Elise delusional at times. Or should I blame my most-hated Disney Channel show going, Austin and Ally?
I’d rather watch the Steelers win a Super Bowl with a lousy official’s call than a single episode of that stinker on a JumboTron.
3. Why do they put Fla. after Miami in the college football scores?
So that boosters’ illegal payments to football players will go to the right place – South Beach, not Southwest Ohio.
Miami is in Oxford, Ohio. It’s in the Mid-American Conference, and the RedHawks won’t soon be confused with The U. – the University of Miami Hurricanes. Miami of Ohio might not have any football titles to its name, but it’s more than 100 years older than Miami of Florida. And they have really cool new helmets.
Heck, Florida still belonged to Spain when Miami of Ohio welcomed its first students. And Ferb was just a glimmer in his papa’s eye.
4. Can a woman who isn’t married get pregnant?
I mean, yes. She can. So, be careful.
For the love of Shawn Kemp, Octomom and baby mamas everywhere.
This one’s tough.
There are 17,000 former professional athletes who wish they couldn’t. And twice as many high school boys who couldn’t be bothered to stop by the Circle K for some provisions before landing at a girl’s house between the last school bell and mama coming home from her bank job.
What, you couldn’t just watch Phineas and Ferb, son?
OK. Yes, she can get pregnant. But my hope is she won’t, until she’s married.
5. What is Ice Cube’s real name?
Jennifer Lawrence. Oh, wrong question!
Ice Cube, the hip-hop record producer/actor/screenwriter/film producer/director and keeper of cold Coor’s cans, was born O’Shea Jackson. He’s clearly too cool to go around being called two last names – the first of which is Irish, for Pete’s sake – while pioneering the fine art of gansta rap.
Seriously, what MC could go by Fresh Dog O’Shea?
I entered O’Shea Jackson into the rap-name generator at myrapname.com and came up with Methodical O’Shea J Force.
Not as cool as Ice Cube, no.
Also not as cool as Harsh Dollar Eli P Spin, a.k.a. Lethal Flash, which is what it generated for “Eli P.”
Only you don’t want to see Lethal Flash’s mug on a JumboTron, do you?