I’ve been in desperate need of some funny.
Like, withdrawal symptoms. Life is good right now. I’m back on the Couch to 5K, working out twice at the gym. I might have even gotten this Coke Zero addiction licked (if you own the stock KO, you might want to sell, sell, sell).
And I got this little notice that someone liked one of my posts.
I was ready today to take a rip at the produce industry for pesticides.
I wanted to tell about the swagger Elise is getting as the once reluctant goalkeeper. I could have gone on about Ingrid Michaelson. Or the day my girls kicked a hole in the soccer fence we put up for them.
Or even spouted off about the Colorado Rockies’ scorching start or Johnny Manziel going to Cleveland.
Instead, I’ll be serious for just a moment more.
I want to ask for collective prayers and vibes out to:
Ashlyn, who began a battle against leukemia this week
Rara, a beloved blogger facing unbelievable plight
Mary, a friend fighting to recover after a car accident
I’m going to try to be funny today with the girls’ questions, and I dedicate the energy to all three of you. So, here’s what my girls need answers about today.
1. Are the Charlotte Bobcats any better this season?
Better … than what?
They were better than the 2011-12 team that registered a historic low .106 winning percentage. But they weren’t better than fresh apple fritters. They were better than the team that missed the playoffs last season. But they weren’t better than Ingrid Michaelson in glasses.
The Charlotte Bobcats made the playoffs, but lost in four games to the Miami Heat in the first round. Next year, they’ll have a star returning in Al Jefferson and an awesome coach in Steve Clifford. They’ll have the Charlotte Hornets name and colors coming back … and they’ll be better than the Charlotte Bobcats.
2. Was that Auburn touchdown the longest one ever made?
It went for 109 yards and just about 19 seconds. Chris Davis’ winning touchdown run lasted just about as long as the Charlotte Bobcats did in the NBA playoffs.
Davis’ return of a missed Alabama field goal was the second touchdown in the final 32 seconds for No. 4 Auburn against its rival in last season’s Iron Bowl. It knocked the Crimson Tide out of title contention.
It propelled the Tigers into the national-championship game, where they lost to Florida State.
At 109 yards, it’s the longest possible touchdown in American football. (The NCAA recognizes it as only a 100-yard score. Psh, only. And this is the only issue the NCAA has, amIright?)
Trent Guy, a kick returner for the CFL’s Montreal Alouettes, returned a kick 129 yards. But how? Canadian football fields are 110 yards long with end zones 20 yards deep, that’s how.
But that’s OK. The CFL also has like six teams and two called the Rough Riders. And they have a team named after a French song. And, Justin Bieber.
3. What was your nickname as a kid?
Gosh, when I was a kid … well, I wanted my nickname to be Daddy Cool. And it worked. Kind of. It’s tough to make your own nickname stick. Unless you’re Shaquille O’Neal. I should’ve gone with Little Aristotle. This was as a preteen, too, and it got into my yearbook, so it had to work, right?
Plus it beats Tontito – which is what they called me as a little kid. Tontito, not as little version of the Lone Ranger’s sidekick but Spanish for little dummy.
4. Why do they put a towel in a bass drum?
So it’s handy for Bama fans to toss in?
That’s a low blow. Towels, blankets, kick drum pillows … they’re all in the name of resonance. It’s like tuning other instruments. You achieve it by tightening drumheads and placing a soft buffer item in the drum to muffle the sound and reduce the ring sound.
Some drummers claim they can tune without stuffing a drum. I don’t know if they can or not. But whether you stuff or don’t, you should have a great drummer nickname. Mine would be Cozy Expoding Wackerman. True story. Find yours, here, and for Alex Van Halen’s sake, put it in the comments.
5. In movies, why do they always fly across the moon?
Could it be product placement for Moon Pies? Nah.
The moon flyby is for dramatic effect. You know, like a parent calling his boy Tontito. Or a CFL rules committee making its field 110 yards. To preserve bogus longest-touchdown distinctions. Even the combination of Exploding and Wackerman in the same nickname.
I’ll leave you with my favorite movie moonby. Have fun with it. When I saw this as a kid, I believed anything was possible.
Today – especially as our friends need a little magic in their lives – I still believe.