Dad advice sure isn’t trading well on the stock market these days.
Who am I kidding? Did Alex P. Keaton ever listen to Stephen Keaton on Family Ties? How often did the Beav listen to Ward on Leave it to Beaver? Let’s not even get into Adam’s whole apple thing with the snake and God.
So this should be no surprise. I have two teens and another daughter growing so fast she mashes my chin with her head when she hugs me. The line at the Dad Advice booth is about as busy as the Colorado Rockies playoff ticket window. <crickets>
I’ve found a demographic that still will heed my advice, though: Pets. The four-legged variety. Not the ones in my house. But four-legged friends, nonetheless. Early this week, I was a guest writer on Pig Love, my favorite blog written by an even-toed ungulate. Check out the stellar advice I dished out.
Now, onto my favorite bipedal beasts.
1. What are our Mexican blankets made of?
At the price I paid, I’d guess pig bristles.
Your ancestors used churro sheep wool to weave sarapes. A churro sheep isn’t made of dough, deep fried and sprinkled with cinnamon. Churro sheep wool holds bright dyes well. As with most things in life, white filmmakers exaggerated their use in ethnic homes. Your ancestors didn’t all wear them, and have them in every room, and on every burro.
I hope yours are alpaca wool, at least. They might be synthetic fiber, which to me is as abominable as putting rice in a burrito. No bueno. The dude who sold the blankets to me in Mexico called me ‘patron’ (Mexi-slang for ‘boss’). More than once.
So I’m going to say they were woven from a lion’s mane.
2. Is there such a thing as a convertible truck?
The same dude in Mexico tried to sell me one, but I was all out of pesos.
I turned to NPR’s Car Talk guys for this one. According to Ray, Dodge just discontinued their convertible Dakota.
Not a big seller, no. I mean, pickup guys are not usually convertible guys. Unless you’re in a pink Ken doll truck running your game on Malibu Barbie. Psh. Californians.
Or you might find a custom jobbie parked in NASCAR track infield. Chances are then that the top has just been sawed off.
That’s not so patron, after all.
3. Is there such as thing as the Eastern Australian Current?
Duuuude. Yeah.
It’s portrayed as an oceanic superhighway in the movie “Finding Nemo.” Crush the turtle gives Marlin the clown fish a lift on the swift-moving current in search of Nemo. The real thing scoots tropical waters from the Coral Sea down Australia’s east coast at speeds up to 7 knots. That’s almost 4 mph, y’all.
That’s as fast as Laurie’s top speed on his intercontinental lawn mower.
4. Would they redo a play for a penalty after the play?
I can’t think of a single sport that would.
Let’s say Chicago Bears wide receiver Josh Bellamy scores on a 17-yard pass. Teammates then snap into a flash mob to perform the Macarena and Electric Slide back to back. Shirtless, with accompaniment of the Solid Gold Dancers.
This celebration takes 13 minutes and draws a delay-of-game penalty.
Bellamy’s score stands. Unless there’s a foul during the play, what happens afterward won’t matter.
Not even the chicken dance. With twerking.
5. Why don’t they play Gangham Style anymore?
Korean pop star Psy retired his mega hit, that’s why.
Creating artificial scarcity is great for the McRib or Twinkies. People crave those things. When you bring them back, they’ll buy them with a flurry. Gangham Style is no Twinkie. But I scored an NFL touchdown, there’s a 38% chance I’d use some of these dance moves in the end zone.
Psy wants to distance himself from the biggest song of 2012 so he can write new stuff for his American fans. He didn’t want to become like actor Danny Trejo. He’s a dude you don’t recognize by name. But if you’ve ever seen a movie with a leather-faced Hispanic villain, you’ve seen his finest work.
No one wants to be a one-hit wonder, after all. But what if you have just one hit?
Even Nemo found his way to a sequel.
Typecast, for sure. But he made it.
Just a dad ... 
Those Bears…they sure do like to sing and dance, don’t they?
You know how it is. When you call Vince Evans the best quarterback you’ve had since Sid Luckman, you look for any opportunity to haul out the jazz hands.
I saw that remark about my intercontinental lawnmower. I get 5mph thank you. I bought two of those blankets in Canada several years ago, man they’re colourful. Mate your cheesy dancing style rivals my own, I’ve been know to cut a rug back in the day. If the music is good in the grocery isles I get a bit cheesy then.
Wait – Mexican blanket, in Canada? That’s like ordering salad in a steakhouse. No, not that bad. I guess when you’re in Canada, you take any ethnic group’s blankets you can.
Whenever I’m cheesy, I try to keep it classy. Those grocery aisles often have cameras. And security personnel could use a good show now and then, too.
Yes indeed. I bought them at a native Canadian stall. Then I saw some out here one day and they wanted 5 times the money I paid in Canada. ‘Oh they’re native American,’ they said. You can’t win. I do it for the cameras mate, if they’re going to watch me shop, they’re going to see me dance. I get a bit fruity around by the freezer section too.
It costs a lot in petrol to carry those blankets from Saskatchewan to Brisbane on an Esky, mate.
They also kept me warm through all the cold places and bright enough to warn traffic too.
Thanks for a good laugh on a Friday morning at the office 🙂 I’d love me a good Macarena flash mob!
Please tell me more about that doll truck that Ken drives!
Can’t wait to read what Laurie has to say on the Esky topic.
PS: Why did the turtle cross the road? – To get to the Shell station.
That’s what we’re here for, Tamara. I knew you’d be on board for a flash mob. Ken’s truck is convertible, is pink with white interior (he’s obviously not a dad), with plastic wheels and swirly stickers and a spot in back for Potty Trainin’ Taffy the dog (yes, she exists!)
Laur has already chimed in and claims his Esky has more horsepower. Or is it roo power?
Nice on the Shell station!
Do you know what you get when you cross a turtle and a flu-shot?
A slow-poke.
That settles it. I’d rather catch a ride with G.I. Joe 😉
As long as Laurie’s lawn mower is faster than 5 TURTLEpower an hour.
Why did the turtle cross the road? – To prove he wasn’t (a) chicken.
But not before he called his mama.
On his shellphone.
No words and now as much as I know Gangham Style, I had truly forgotten about it since like you said it hasn’t been played in so long, but still now have the damn thing stuck in my head this Friday morning. Thanks for that and Happy Friday 🙂
I should have added a link. What a great Friday song to have pummeling your eardrums and psyche all day.
I’m with Janinie- Now, that song will be stuck in my head all day!!! I had no idea he had retired it, though. I thought people had just finally had enough! 🙂 Happy Friday!
You’re welcome, Lisa – it’s better than “Baby” by Justin Bieber, right? Maybe Psy’s timing was the right thing for the universe. Grace and her friend managed to memorize even the Korean bits of it.
My husband won’t let our six-yr. old sing Gangham Style because it says, ‘sexy lady.’ hahaha Totally messes up little man’s groove, though he’s gotten good at improvising the lyrics. 😉
Some girls like pick-up trucks…a convertible one would be awesome. Not in Barbie pink though. 😉
One of Grace’s classmates got told on for singing that part. And who knows what the Korean parts say? Something bad, I hope.
Something about convertible and pick-up trucks goes together like cheese and potting soil.
Great post, loved it. Thanks for visiting my place, appreciated.
AV
You’ve been in the reader for a while, friend. I’ll be back.
I met Crush in Epcot, and you can’t for a second tell me it wasn’t really him. We bonded.
I still have not really watched or researched what exactly Gangnam style is, not even enough to Google if it’s “Gangham” like people above said.
This is one of the things that makes me awesome, like only using alpaca wool when I make blankets.
Crush is exceedingly cool. Didn’t he used to comment on your blog?
The official video says Gagnam Style … so I’m going with that! I just screened the video and am adding the link. I should have had this in to begin with!
The alpaca industry thanks you, T-bow. #DownWithSyntheticsInOurMexicanBlankets
Okay, so here I am!! Prepare for comment luving! LOL
I have a blanket I bought in Mexico and I swear it’s the best thing I ever bought. I believe it was about $15 American – and that was 20 years ago. And 20 years later, after repeated beach visits, picnics, backyard parties, blanket forts and many, many washings: it’s as bright as it ever was.
It’s not a one hit wonder at all. 🙂
You went on a comment binge! It’s a beautiful thing. Mexican blankets are the truth, especially in Canada. You need them more than Mexicans do, don’t you think?