Go Ask Daddy About Stupidity, Vicinity and Free Hockey Pucks


EJP
EJP

There was a moment in Mexico I’d like to forget.

It didn’t involve tequila and a tattoo. There was a speeding taxi, and missing pertinent immigration papers. There was a busted suitcase and even worse, a broken bottle of rum. I stood in the immigration office reeking of rum, with the attitude of an ugly American.

I had one thought.

Gonna blog about this.

It turned out OK. I came home to America. I keep a close watch on all my papers when I travel to Latin America. My worst fear is Michelle Obama outlawing pizza for dads. A close second is that I’ll be stranded in Mexico. I’ll peddle churros and empanadas in my new life.

But somehow, I didn’t have my immigration form when it came time to come home.

“Es MUY importante,” the official told me after sniffing rum in the air. My company whisked me away in a cab to the immigration office the day we were to leave.

The bellman slammed my suitcase into the trunk, which broke the wheel, which punctured my rum bottle, which leaked everywhere.

So, how about those preguntas de mis hijas?

1. Would you say “la stupida” if it’s a stupid girl?

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc
photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

In Spanish, there are boy words and girl words.

A boy is nino.

A girl is nina.

A stupid boy is stupido. A stupid girl is stupida.

A stupid ugly boy is el nino feo y stupido. A stupid ugly girl is la nina fea y stupida.

A stupid, smelly, ugly boy is el nino apestoso, feo y stupido. A stupid, smelly, ugly girl is …

Well, you know what?

Maybe this isn’t the best Spanish lesson to be having today.

2. Why does a plate of spaghetti always land on a bald principal’s head?

photo credit: Clover_1 via photopin cc
photo credit: Clover_1 via photopin cc

Maybe he’s stupido, feo, apestoso y pelon. (Not like the kid at left. She’s just all kinds of adorable.)

That’s just how it goes with slapstick humor. Anything that involves exaggerated physical activity, and exceeds the boundaries of common sense.

Like spaghetti on the bald principal’s head. It’s ironic, too. You know, when the spaghetti looks like it could be the principal’s hair.

Spaghetti has a starring role in Hollywood.

Check these three memorable spaghetti scenes:

Elf (2003) Buddy the elf eats his with chocolate fudge pop tarts, M&Ms, maple syrup, marshmallows, and sprinkles.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (2009) Mama Mia – a spaghetti tornado!

Lady and the Tramp (1955) Two dogs, two worlds, one strand of spaghetti. This movie scene gave hope to us trampy guys.

3. Does there have to be a receiver in the area when the quarterback throws the ball away?

photo credit: Erik Daniel Drost via photopin cc
photo credit: Erik Daniel Drost via photopin cc

El receptor abierto must be in the vicinity of the ball. Otherwise, it’s an intentional grounding penalty.

Let’s say the Titans’ Jake Locker is under serious heat. The Lions’ Ndamukong Suh is bearing down fast. Titans receiver Justin Hunter notices, and brakes for the right sideline. Locker doesn’t have time to set, and lofts a ball to the right, at least 15 yards from Hunter. What’s the call?

Is the quarterback is within the tackle box? (That’s the imaginary boundary between a team’s offensive tackles)? Did the ball reach the line of scrimmage? Then it’s intentional grounding on the quarterback.

That’s a 10-yard penalty and a loss of down.

If he’s in the end zone when he does this, it’s a safety for the other team.

Is the quarterback the Patriots’ Tom Brady?

‘In the vacinity’ can mean anywhere in greater Foxboro.

4. What soccer team do you hate?

photo credit: JosephGilbert.org via photopin cc
photo credit: JosephGilbert.org via photopin cc

Hate is a strong word. It’s strong as stupido.

The Colorado Rapids’ MLS team probably hates Sporting KC, their natural rivals. But I can’t name a single Rapids player, so can I honestly hate me some Sporting KC?

I hated Germany when they faced the U.S. in the World Cup.

But I also hated Belgium and Ghana when they faced Team USA.

I hate every single team we face on gameday, but just for that day. And it seems like all rivals are definitely apestosos.

5. Do you have to give the puck back if you catch it at a hockey game?

photo credit: mhaithaca via photopin cc
photo credit: mhaithaca via photopin cc

It’s all yours.

Not all those tooth gaps in the team hockey pictures are from fighting.

A shot hockey puck is 6 ounces of galvanized rubber, ripped with a graphite stick at 80 mph. That’s no galvanized marshmallow coming at you in the crowd.

It becomes the Canadian answer to a foul ball into the stands.

You must pay attention, though. Check out what happens when a heckler in the swanky seats at an Avalanche game  gives a Black Hawks player a tough time.

He receives a … souvenir.

Con cuidado, el objetante estupido!

hockey quote

 

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49 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Stupidity, Vicinity and Free Hockey Pucks

  1. A great roundup today, Eli. Love the story about Mexico. “Es MUY importante.” No kidding. And that your first thought about the whole thing was to blog it? Awesome.
    That Lady and the Tramp scene is one of my favorites. After we watched Lady and the Tramp with Kidzilla for the first time, she insisted the Hub and I replicate the spaghetti scene at dinner. Not nearly as adorable as the movie version. Kidzilla wanting us to do that, though? Totally cute. God love her.
    Another great spaghetti scene – and I’m dating myself here – is the “Now it’s garbage!” spaghetti scene in the play/movie The Odd Couple. The Matthau/Lemmon version is the best.
    Have a great weekend!

    1. Thanks Lisa. Up until that point, my greatest dilemma in Mexico had been whether to use a clean plate at the buffet. When he said “MUY,” I had visions of this officer overthrowing the Mexican government and ruling with an iron fist for 57 years.

      When he said “importante,” I knew he’d rather stay in this position and terrorize tourists on a local level.

      There are worse kids movies scenes they could have asked you to replicate. Anything from Home Alone, for instance.

      I wonder if The Odd Couple is on Netflix …

    1. I think even if Mexican officials had decided to taze and tag me at that moment, I still would have thought, “oh, this is going to be blogged, the moment I escape from Mexican prison!” Or I could hand-write the post on torn bedsheets and sneak them out through the sewer. Not that I’ve thought about this at all.

  2. This whole “Deflategate” thing really frosts my avacados apestosos.

    Having grown up in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex and now living in New England, I can tell you that beyond a shadow of a doubt Patriots fans are bigger pendejos than Cowboys fans. I am not, nor have I ever been a fan of either team.

    P.S. – My favorite Meskin word is “nalgas”. Makes me laugh every time.

    1. Es no bueno, amigo. Can you imagine a Cowboys-Patriots Super Bowl? Even during their Sucky Era, even with Tony Romo at quarterback, that team is tough to back, unless you’re hardcore.

      P.S. – a guy my dad worked with called my dad “Teodoro, Nalgas de Oro.” Now, that’s a nickname!

  3. Oh, smelling of rum couldn’t have been a good thing! The only hockey game I’ve been to was the Blackhawks, and during that game Duncan Keith lost 7 teeth to the hockey puck! It was bloody.

    1. It definitely wasn’t at the immigration office! I took Grace to her first hockey game recently. When the first fight broke out, she turned to me with wide eyes and shouted, “Dad, the refs aren’t even doing anything about it!” Sweet girl.

      I wonder if seven teeth is the record …

      1. I’m just bowing down to your class as it relates to Tom Brady…there’s so much you could have chided him on this week 😉
        Now…for lunch. I’ll bring the guac–you bring the charm!

  4. Que comico!

    Man, I kinda wish you’d been able to video that moment. The border guys probably wouldn’t appreciate that, though. 🙂

    Nothing like a good hockey game. What makes it good? Fisticuffs, of course!

    1. Si, esta verdad!

      If I’d recorded that incident, there’s a good chance one of you one day, maybe in a few months, would say, ‘hey, what ever happened to Coach Daddy?’

      If there’s not blood on the ice, it’s not very nice.

  5. I’m not sure I realized the grounding rule and throwing away the ball – I don’t always pay attention to the “details.”
    Glad you didn’t get stuck selling churros!!!

    1. As with any NFL rule, it gets called less as the season progresses, especially in cold, hostile environments like Foxboro and Seattle.

      I’d never make a profit selling churros … one for you, two for me …

  6. I was waiting for the Foxboro comment and you did not disappoint. We have our own rules here: a tuck, a snowball and a different PSI measuring system 🙂 I remember that Avalanche game. It reminded me of the Chicago movie, The Untouchables, when Sean Connery says, …brings a knife to a gun fight. Never, ever, ever poke a Black Hawk with a stick!

    1. I just don’t know what the NFL will decide to do now that their two biggest cheaters are in the last game of the season. I think the tuck, snowballs and PSI measuring systems are just becoming a litany of tradition there!

      Hey, I love my Avs, but even I could see that dude was kind of douche-y. Probably a closet Dallas Stars fan.

  7. The one thing my dad worried about when he tumbled down some stairs at 86? The “bridge” of his four front teeth. Had them knocked out 60 years earlier by a flying cricket ball. Later in life when he had more money he had the replacement teeth properly fixed with a decent bridge. Happily bridge was fine after the tumble.
    On the hockey front my son caught several pucks during an Olympics 2010 game. Canada wasn’t playing but he still treasures ’em!

    1. I imagine time stands still and you have time to think of such things at a time like that, Kelly. A guy must take good care of his teeth – especially if he’s already paid for him! Glad to know your son didn’t catch any of those pucks in the grill.

  8. Oh that is just Justice with a cherry on top! That video was hilarious!! BAM! I love the wife’s gesture the best. THAT’S an awesome woman. 😉

    Love the Mexico story… and I assume you got back in one piece? I’m most sorry about your rum bottle breaking. Rum wasted is devastating to me. lol

    1. What are the odds, right? Had to see it to believe it. He had to believe in karma as soon as his bell stopped ringing. And his wife’s thumbs up was classic! Finally … she says, “I’ve tried forever to get him to shut the puck up!”

      Yes, I made it back to America. I didn’t cry when I yanked the broken bottle in a bag out of my suitcase … but I did get a lump in my throat.

    1. It felt so tragic, so many Cokes it was supposed to enliven. My suitcase finally doesn’t smell like rum!

      I’m with you on Lady and the Tramp! Kind of one of the best love scenes of all time, don’t you think?

  9. Lol, love the description about your way home from the states. I would be nervojse too. I am sure that’s something that everyone fears when they leave the states. What if they won’t let us back in .lol. Glad your OK though.

    1. I would have missed pizza most. Oh, and my family.

      I loved watching the Packers/Seahawks game in Spanish, though. They showed Cheeseheads, and said, “cabeza de queso!”

  10. You know you have to blog it when you see the spark. Ah, whatever that means! LOL with the spaghetti on the principal’s head. I figured it’s a classic in the history of Philippine comedy movies too.

    1. It’s what we do, isn’t it Rea? When’s the last time you said, “I gotta blog about this?” as it happened? For my kids, any misfortune, spaghetti-on-the-head or otherwise, that falls upon a grown-up is reason to laugh!

  11. Sorry to hear about your immigration trouble. Where did your form turn up?
    I think you should speak Spanish in all of your posts. Gives your blog the proper latino touch!

    Loved the gingerbread house at the beginning of the Elf movie. Priorities where priorities are due.

    Here’s a spaghetti scene from one of my favorite movies:

    PS: never mess with a Blackhawk!
    PPS: Happy Birthday, Wayne Gretzky!

    1. The form is still missing! I had to get a replacement. It’s MUY IMPORTANTE.

      My Spanish is limited to bad words and food, although I did learn a few American Football terms watching Packers/Seahawks in Cancun.

      Elf was the last good movie Will Ferrel was in.

      Daggum Black Hawks. Douch-y fan had it coming. I’m convinced he’s really a Minnesota Wild fan.

      1. You mean like Cabezas de Queso 😉
        You know, you’ve got the food and futbal part covered, so all you have to is learning some Spanish fatherhood terms. Actually you know the most important already: maravillosas ninas!
        Seahawks, Blackhawks, just don’t mess with any of them…

  12. First, it’s always Disney for the win.
    Second, I’m very sad about that rum. like muy triste, or as they say in my land, tres triste hey….wait a minute. tis the same?
    Brett Lindros played for the Junior B Team of my hometown. Man, could that boy shatter the glass around the rink. Whether he slammed another player into it, or fired a shot that hit it: glass everywhere. and I’ve seen more than a few unwary fans catch a puck to the face, but the funniest has to be the ones who actually try to catch a slapshot with their bare hand! really genius?

  13. Wow. Stupido and Stupida. I wonder if calling a BOY a Stupida is an even bigger insult?
    I guess I’d rather not know.
    So true story – Des took half of my spaghetti tonight and put it on his hair. It smells amazing.

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