There was a moment in Mexico I’d like to forget.
It didn’t involve tequila and a tattoo. There was a speeding taxi, and missing pertinent immigration papers. There was a busted suitcase and even worse, a broken bottle of rum. I stood in the immigration office reeking of rum, with the attitude of an ugly American.
I had one thought.
Gonna blog about this.
It turned out OK. I came home to America. I keep a close watch on all my papers when I travel to Latin America. My worst fear is Michelle Obama outlawing pizza for dads. A close second is that I’ll be stranded in Mexico. I’ll peddle churros and empanadas in my new life.
But somehow, I didn’t have my immigration form when it came time to come home.
“Es MUY importante,” the official told me after sniffing rum in the air. My company whisked me away in a cab to the immigration office the day we were to leave.
The bellman slammed my suitcase into the trunk, which broke the wheel, which punctured my rum bottle, which leaked everywhere.
So, how about those preguntas de mis hijas?
1. Would you say “la stupida” if it’s a stupid girl?
In Spanish, there are boy words and girl words.
A boy is nino.
A girl is nina.
A stupid boy is stupido. A stupid girl is stupida.
A stupid ugly boy is el nino feo y stupido. A stupid ugly girl is la nina fea y stupida.
A stupid, smelly, ugly boy is el nino apestoso, feo y stupido. A stupid, smelly, ugly girl is …
Well, you know what?
Maybe this isn’t the best Spanish lesson to be having today.
2. Why does a plate of spaghetti always land on a bald principal’s head?
Maybe he’s stupido, feo, apestoso y pelon. (Not like the kid at left. She’s just all kinds of adorable.)
That’s just how it goes with slapstick humor. Anything that involves exaggerated physical activity, and exceeds the boundaries of common sense.
Like spaghetti on the bald principal’s head. It’s ironic, too. You know, when the spaghetti looks like it could be the principal’s hair.
Spaghetti has a starring role in Hollywood.
Check these three memorable spaghetti scenes:
Elf (2003) Buddy the elf eats his with chocolate fudge pop tarts, M&Ms, maple syrup, marshmallows, and sprinkles.
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (2009) Mama Mia – a spaghetti tornado!
Lady and the Tramp (1955) Two dogs, two worlds, one strand of spaghetti. This movie scene gave hope to us trampy guys.
3. Does there have to be a receiver in the area when the quarterback throws the ball away?
El receptor abierto must be in the vicinity of the ball. Otherwise, it’s an intentional grounding penalty.
Let’s say the Titans’ Jake Locker is under serious heat. The Lions’ Ndamukong Suh is bearing down fast. Titans receiver Justin Hunter notices, and brakes for the right sideline. Locker doesn’t have time to set, and lofts a ball to the right, at least 15 yards from Hunter. What’s the call?
Is the quarterback is within the tackle box? (That’s the imaginary boundary between a team’s offensive tackles)? Did the ball reach the line of scrimmage? Then it’s intentional grounding on the quarterback.
That’s a 10-yard penalty and a loss of down.
If he’s in the end zone when he does this, it’s a safety for the other team.
Is the quarterback the Patriots’ Tom Brady?
‘In the vacinity’ can mean anywhere in greater Foxboro.
4. What soccer team do you hate?
Hate is a strong word. It’s strong as stupido.
The Colorado Rapids’ MLS team probably hates Sporting KC, their natural rivals. But I can’t name a single Rapids player, so can I honestly hate me some Sporting KC?
I hated Germany when they faced the U.S. in the World Cup.
But I also hated Belgium and Ghana when they faced Team USA.
I hate every single team we face on gameday, but just for that day. And it seems like all rivals are definitely apestosos.
5. Do you have to give the puck back if you catch it at a hockey game?
It’s all yours.
Not all those tooth gaps in the team hockey pictures are from fighting.
A shot hockey puck is 6 ounces of galvanized rubber, ripped with a graphite stick at 80 mph. That’s no galvanized marshmallow coming at you in the crowd.
It becomes the Canadian answer to a foul ball into the stands.
You must pay attention, though. Check out what happens when a heckler in the swanky seats at an Avalanche game gives a Black Hawks player a tough time.
He receives a … souvenir.
Con cuidado, el objetante estupido!