The JumboTron has spoiled us a bit.
I took my U11 girls soccer team – the Dynamite – to a game at Hickory Ridge High. Some kids weren’t watching when Northwest Cabarrus scored one if its goals – a pretty nice shot, actually.
Those who missed it instinctively looked toward the end zone, hoping to catch the replay on JumboTron. Not in Harrisburg, N.C., you won’t.
It made me think of Arizona Cardinals receiver Larry Fitzgerald, a favorite of my girls. As he sprinted to a 70-plus yard score during Super Bowl XLIII, he glanced wide-eyed at the JumboTron at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, just to see who was around him.
Funny, he could check on the widening gap between him and all Pittsburgh Steelers defenders, yet officials couldn’t look at it to see Santonio Holmes’ alleged winning touchdown actually shouldn’t have counted.
One foot in, incomplete pass.
We’re not bitter, though. As Ice Cube once said, “The worst thing you can do about a situation is nothing.”
So, we’ll keep complaining.
Here’s what the girls have asked lately.
1. Are those just big TV screens?
Yes. It’s the ultimate big-screen TV. God bless America.
Sony created this technology so that Larry can check where Troy Polamalu is, but also so we can see close-ups of Ellie Goulding or Ke$ha or The Kinks in concert. JumboTron is Sony’s registered trademark, but, like Kleenex is for tissues and Tampax is for … well, like Kleenex is for tissues, it’s the accepted lexicon for any big-ass TV screen in any big-ass stadium.
Except at Hickory Ridge High in Harrisburg. There, you have to pay attention the first time something cool happens.
2. Does the guy who does Ferb’s voice do two people’s?
No. Thomas Sangster voices Ferb, the green-haired brother on Phineas and Ferb, and only Ferb. It’s also not true that the premise – two step-brothers who embark on epic science projects to the chagrin of older sister Candace – was conceived from the diaries of a delusional real-life big sister who committed suicide, as one of your sisters might have gleaned from Facebook or some such.
Although, Grace and Marie, I think you make Elise delusional at times. Or should I blame my most-hated Disney Channel show going, Austin and Ally?
I’d rather watch the Steelers win a Super Bowl with a lousy official’s call than a single episode of that stinker on a JumboTron.
3. Why do they put Fla. after Miami in the college football scores?
So that boosters’ illegal payments to football players will go to the right place – South Beach, not Southwest Ohio.
Miami is in Oxford, Ohio. It’s in the Mid-American Conference, and the RedHawks won’t soon be confused with The U. – the University of Miami Hurricanes. Miami of Ohio might not have any football titles to its name, but it’s more than 100 years older than Miami of Florida. And they have really cool new helmets.
Heck, Florida still belonged to Spain when Miami of Ohio welcomed its first students. And Ferb was just a glimmer in his papa’s eye.
4. Can a woman who isn’t married get pregnant?
No. NEVER.
I mean, yes. She can. So, be careful.
NO!
For the love of Shawn Kemp, Octomom and baby mamas everywhere.
This one’s tough.
There are 17,000 former professional athletes who wish they couldn’t. And twice as many high school boys who couldn’t be bothered to stop by the Circle K for some provisions before landing at a girl’s house between the last school bell and mama coming home from her bank job.
What, you couldn’t just watch Phineas and Ferb, son?
OK. Yes, she can get pregnant. But my hope is she won’t, until she’s married.
5. What is Ice Cube’s real name?
Jennifer Lawrence. Oh, wrong question!
Ice Cube, the hip-hop record producer/actor/screenwriter/film producer/director and keeper of cold Coor’s cans, was born O’Shea Jackson. He’s clearly too cool to go around being called two last names – the first of which is Irish, for Pete’s sake – while pioneering the fine art of gansta rap.
Seriously, what MC could go by Fresh Dog O’Shea?
I entered O’Shea Jackson into the rap-name generator at myrapname.com and came up with Methodical O’Shea J Force.
Not as cool as Ice Cube, no.
Also not as cool as Harsh Dollar Eli P Spin, a.k.a. Lethal Flash, which is what it generated for “Eli P.”
Only you don’t want to see Lethal Flash’s mug on a JumboTron, do you?
Just a dad ... 
You knew that everyone who popped in here would go and generate a rap name, well this apparently is mine, Laurie L Soul Gunshot. It will never be used, do you hear never. Other than that a good post.
Cheers
Laurie.
I was hoping for such, Gunshot. I mean, Laurie. Thanks mate. (Is it strange that I’m American and call you ‘mate’ just because you live in Australia?)
I thought Gunshot was good too. Well Mate it runs of the tongue so easily, try this: say Guy, you have to move your mouth more to say it, then say Mate. See, it’s a lazy word
I’m thinking about bringing back the chastity belt for my daughters. And locking them away in a tower. Old school, ya know. Peace out. – Risque Nicki Killah.
You and me both. I feel like throat-punching every dude who looks at my kids when we go shopping. Holla, Killah!
I ain’t skeered of much, but I am afraid to type in “Fearless Leader” into a rap name generator. 🙂
Eli…another GREAT post, Amigo.
I am a Big Fan of Coach Daddy!
When you’re called Fearless Leader, do you really need a rap name?
Thanks, pal. I’m a fan of your stuff, too, you know.
Whadup, E’Dawg?
Ok that’s as gangsta as Im’ma get.
Speaking of gangsta, the year before my oldest went to high school, her marching band’s show was called “Gangsta Jazz” and it was top notch!
T-Swizzle out.
In high school, they called me Easy E. Remember him?
I love when white kids do things called “Gangsta Jazz.”
T-Swizzle! You should pen your next post like that.
Lethal Flash is a pretty good rap name…but if you were to change your name according Prof. Poopy-Pants’ chart in Book 4 of Cptn Underpants, it would be Crusty Hamster Hiney…Hmm, I’d stick with Lethal Flash…
Lethal Flash forever more shall be my coaching name.
Crusty Hamster Hiney and Lethal Flash really aren’t many degrees apart if you think about it.
The real question about Finneas and Ferb is “Where the heck do they live that they get 104 days of summer vacation??” and the follow up about how expensive that much summer camp is.
This might be a mystery of life, such as, why did Ke$ha drink peepee, or, would a pescatarian eat a mermaid?
I actually found the answer, though.
Creator Dan Povenmire said he expected the show to last 52 episodes, the norm for Disney Channel shows back then. There are two segments per episode, so that’s a total of 104 days.
I think you just went and asked daddy.
Thankfully, I’ve never had to watch a single episode of Phineas and Ferb!!!
And, that question about single women getting pregnant – yikes!! Tough one for sure!
It’s actually brilliantly written, and their mama is delightfully unaware of life. I know I absolutely stumbled like a vegetarian at a beef jerky convention on the prego question. I’d like a do-over on that.
Ouch! The prego question is a rough one. Don’t envy you that convo.
By the way I accidentally deleted your last comment on my blog. So sorry. But thanks for reading!
I know, right? I need to leave those discussions to mom. Let me handle stuff like why are there no vowels in Lynyrd Skynyrd and which is better, western or eastern N.C. barbecue.
Was that the comment that had the F word in it?
I kid, I kid.
#4 brings to my mind the culture shock I experienced after being a small-town Midwestern white boy all my life. I went to work at a mission farm in Americus, Georgia and, among other things, taught Vacation Bible School to some pre-teen African Americans. The first two questions they asked, in this order, were —
1) Are you married? (No.)
2) Do you have any children?
I guess in rural Georgia, that’ll tell you all you need to know about a man, right?
Ok, not even sure where to begin! First, my rap name, which I could not wait to generate is Baby TB Muffin. Next, I certainly hope that Austin & Ally goes off the air soon and I mean soon. Wonder how much that guy makes who does Ferb’s voice, Ferb rarely talks! Peace out (droppin’ the mike and walkin’ away)
You can’t go wrong with Muffin in your name. I did my oldest daughter’s, and it said something about “Luscious.” Austin & Ally gives me hives, swollen lymph nodes and spastic colon.
The girls said Ferb doesn’t talk much … probably about as much as the platypus.
I remember my daughter asking how a woman had a baby when she wasn’t married. She thought you had to get married in order to have a baby. I told her absolutely you do. Now she knows how it all works, but I still stand by my answer.
And the rap name generator is awesome! I put in my name – I will now be known as D Dana Foxy Nugget.
I thought of saying you need to get married, but my luck, they’d take that for “oh, then we can do whatever before then, and nothing will happen!” Life has a way of backfiring on me.
D Dana Foxy Nugget .. please work this into a future blog post. You owe that to the blogging universe.
Shhh, I like Phineas and Ferb. Don’t tell.
Phineas and Ferb is one of two Disney shows (A.N.T. Farm is the other) I can stomach.
Hey, what is your gangsta name, by the way? You have to do it.
Why, it’s Baddie Cynthia Es Grind, of course.
Perfect race-day nickname, don’t you think?
Okay, my white girl rap name is Kathy K Money, which is funny because I have no money. I loooove your answer to number 4. That’s a tough one. When I was teaching fifth graders in my single days, the kids would ask me if I was married, and I’d say no. Then they would ask me if I had kids. This floored me at the time, but I had to remind myself that many of them were being raised by single moms.
You’re money, in the sense that you’re golden at crunch time, I say. For No. 4, I’d say it perfectly summed up the confusion and angst a dad feels about the subject.
Yeah, the modern family has a lot of shapes and sizes, from single units to matching pairs. You just never know.
Confession: I have never seen an episode of Phineas and Herb. I feel like I am missing out on something. Also, apparently I am Kimmy K Flame. Who knew? 🙂
Maybe the plot line just doesn’t translate well to Canadian. It’s one of few Disney shows that I can stomach. The rest make my skin crawl and lead me to blame every snide remark my kids make on their characters, plots and writers, 100 percent.
Kimmy K. Flame – that’s who’s piloting this thing! I think you need some red-framed goggles for that.
17,000 former pro athletes? Thats a big number. I wish our young people took sex more seriously — or at least the ramifications of sex more seriously.
Here’s my rap name: Mad MN Baddie a.k.a. Young Silk – what does that even mean?
Rough estimate. 55 percent margin of error, I think.
I think the teens who don’t take sex as seriously are just louder than those who do. Just my opinion.
Sounds like you’re … bad. Mad. And silky.
Which is better than sad. Plaid. And milky.
Yo Yo Flash, R Booty comin at ya!
(yes, really *facepalm*)
Just wait until the conversation arises about the kid in their class who has 2 mommies and they just had a baby. that was a fun chat. I made crescent rolls stuffed with marshmallow and Nutella: I thought it appropriate to the discussion.
Almost as fun as the conversation of why the woman had a chain going from her ear-ring to her nose-ring.
I had licorice whips for that one.
Because of course. That’s how R Booty’s rollin in this hood.
Word.
You’re the only person who got “booty” in their name.
I want to read posts about these conversations. This is my special Christmas wish.
(I love when Canadians say “because of course.”)