Schmucks. How easily can you pick one out of a crowd?
I got the chance to examine the whole culture of Schmuckosity this week in a guest post on Marcia’s blog at Menopausal Mom. Because you know, schmucks and menopause go hand in hand.
It was an honor to broach the subject on her high-profile page. I keyed in on the sideline variety of schmuck, the kind of dude your kid might get saddled with as a coach. I’ve coached against a couple.
It’s hard to know which I dislike more. Is it the kind of dude who lets one kid score seven goals against my U6 Poisonous Tree Frogs (how’s that for nickname of the century?). I had a talkin’ to with that clown in the handshake line.
Or is it the short fellow with the accent who thought it’d be cute to play keep-away in the snow with a 8-0 lead on a U9 club team I coached.
It’s all subjective. One thing that’s absolute?
The answers in this week’s delivery of Go Ask Daddy. They’re iron clad, and backed by the good faith of Google, the International Olympic Committee, the Edward Snowden for Town Council Movement and the Free Syrian Army Toys for Tots Drive.
What’s on the kids’ minds, you ask?
1. What is the highest scoring basketball game?
It didn’t involve the Poisonous Tree Frogs OR Edward Snowden. It did involve my favorite NBA team – on the losing end, of course.
On Dec. 13, 1983 – imagine me, at age 12 – The Detroit Pistons beat the Denver Nuggets 186-184 in triple overtime. Defense, as they say, was just a rumor. Kiki Vandeweghe (yes, this post includes Poisonous Tree Frogs AND a dude named Kiki) scorched Detroit for 51. But three others also scored at least 40. Four players actually played this game without scoring a single point. But we won’t mention them.
The NSA knows who they are.
2. When you turn off your car, does the music pause?
No, and it’s a good thing it doesn’t – the Yeah Yeah Yeahs might still be playing in my 2003 Pontiac.
Believe it or not, radio stations keep the tunes rolling 24/7.
When my car is off, the radio just stops picking up the signal. So if I get home at 6:30 p.m., and get back into the car at 7:30 a.m. the next day, I’ve not only missed all those BBC updates on NPR, but I’ve missed approximately 6,329 airings of Katy Perry’s Roar and 8,392 instances of that Florida Georgia Line stinker called Cruise.
Thank Jesus and Kiki Vandeweghe for that.
3. Do they have bars on the back window of squad cars?
Not usually – but cops in Douglas County, Illinois probably ought to look into them.
The day after your birthday this year, Grace, police there arrested a fella they’d pulled over for a loud muffler on a Chevy Impala. No, that’s not illegal, but driving around with a loud muffler, pockets full of drug paraphernalia and a warrant for failure to appear in court is. They cuffed him and slung him in the back of the squad car – and he escaped somehow through the back window and disappeared into a corn field.
He turned himself in that night, still handcuffed, to police. Rumor has it they ferreted him out by playing Roar and Cruise over and over.
4. What if there are lice on hair for Locks of Love?
Nothing in the Locks of Love policy covers the infestation of lice.
Locks of Love is a non-profit that collects hair donations to create wigs for children who’ve lost their hair as a result of a medical diagnosis.
They collect hair in 10-inch bundles. Their policy covers everything from perms (accepted), hair cut years ago (accepted, so long as its been kept in a ponytail or braid), and colored or bleached (not acceptable). Dreadlocks are also on the no-no list.
But that list says nothing about lice.
Your big sisters, mom and aunt have all donated to Locks of Love. At my last haircut, I estimate my bangs were dangerously close to Locks of Love-worthy, too.
5. Do you have to be a certain age to play Wipeout?
You have be old enough to remember Kiki Vandeweghe.
Wipeout, the popular ABC game show in which you rush through a series of obstacle courses featuring such opponents as Octopushy, Miami Pound Machine and Sugar Smacks, looks like kids play, but it’s not.
ABC.com says you have to be at least 18, and a legal resident of the U.S. – unless you’ve been harbored by the Russian government to avoid arrest in the U.S. on espionage charges. It’s OK to have dreadlocks, but you must be able to swim.
You must be “fun, strong-willed, outgoing, and have a great sense of humor” – but the guidelines say nothing about your ability to play defense in basketball or escape from a squad car while handcuffed.
And it’s OK, apparently, if you have lice.
So long as you’re not a schmuck.