Go Ask Daddy About Hot Spots, Fallen Planets and Kitschy Shirts


photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc
photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc

Guess how I thought of opening Go Ask Daddy this week. I had designs on a scathing prediction of boredom and boneheadism in the Super Bowl on Sunday.

Final score: Patriots 9, Seahawks 8. It’s the lousiest championship game in the history of Jesus. Marshawn Lynch fumbles three times and rushes for 3 yards. Tom Brady throws seven interceptions, and Seattle can’t muster a touchdown.

Both coaches draw writer’s block when it comes to rule-bending. And that’s saying something. Bill Belichick and Pete Carroll redefine the term, ‘cheat sheet.’

Two field goals from Steven Hauschka puts Seattle up 6-0 in the fourth quarter. Stephen Gostkowski kicks a field goal for New England. However, Seattle gets a safety when Patriots punter Ryan Allen steps out of bounds in the end zone.

Trailing 8-3, New England benches Brady, and plays backup Jimmy Garoppolo.

Garoppolo leads the drive of his life. He gets six pass interference calls against Seahawks defensive backs. They turn to one another and ask, “What’s that little yellow cloth mean?”

Garoppolo finds Rob Gronkowski for a TD with 2 seconds left for a 9-8 lead, over Richard Sherman’s rattled skull.

john kerryPatriots long snapper Danny Aiken robs Garoppolo of MVP honors. America forgets Deflate gate when it’s revealed the Patriots never paid Secretary of State John Kerry for using his face on their helmets.

I wouldn’t stoop to that, right?

1. Is there Wi-Fi on airplanes?

My view in Charlotte on the flight to Cancun.
My view in Charlotte on the flight to Cancun.

You’re not even supposed to have your phone on in the plane at takeoff. I’d estimate 9 out of 10 flight attendants turn the other way when Pete Carroll keeps his on to play Candy Crush.

The only airline you’ve ever heard of that offers free Wi-Fi? Jetblue. Other airlines offer throwback Internet access: Sluggish speeds at exorbitant prices. Has anyone seen my Sound Garden tape? It’s not worth it to post a Facebook update of your in-flight foam sandwich. It just isn’t.

Why not unplug in the friendly skies? Spread out in a seat no bigger than your butt cheeks, and eat M&Ms out of your barf bag.

2. Can an electric eel sting you even if it’s dead?

photo credit: Doug Letterman via photopin cc
photo credit: Doug Letterman via photopin cc

I would have Googled this on the airplane, if I could …

Listverse.com compiled a top-10 Truly Awful Ways to Be Killed By an Animal. The electric eel just made the list. An electric eel generates currents through its nervous system. The high-voltage cells stack up in a specialized electric organ. It’s the same as batteries in a flashlight.

Each cell works like a string of batteries, and bZZZZZ! Its prey gets a 600-volt jolt before it becomes lunch. It’s strong enough to kill a person.

What if the eel has croaked? I wouldn’t mess with it. It can generate electric shocks as long as nine hours after it goes to be with Jesus.

3. Do you think Pluto should be a planet?

photo credit: pCka via photopin cc
photo credit: pCka via photopin cc

Few topics rile me like this.

I hate the lakers. I hate the red wings. I hate cooked carrots. I love pizza. I love disc golf. I love that golf discs and pizza share the same shape and symbolize the circle of life. I love Cher Lloyd, America and Spider-man socks. I hate pop music and love NPR. These truths are self-evident.

Pluto always will be a planet. No one can revoke planet status. Dwarf planet, my ass. No. Knights aren’t de-knighted. Reggie Bush lost his Heisman. C’mon, though. He kicked ass and you can’t reverse that. Boy George will always be Boy George. Eddie George is Eddie George always.

Pluto has hit last in the solar-system lineup for generations. It’s tradition.

The New York Jets should be deemed less an NFL team than Pluto should be considered a planet. And no one’s reducing the Jets to dwarf status. Or tofu denigrated to dwarf food status. Celestial criteria, my ass. Don’t ever hassle me when it comes to Pluto’s status ever again, world of academia.

Focus on Marshawn Lynch’s behavior instead.

4. Do pilots purposely avoid the Bermuda Triangle?

photo credit: NOAA's National Ocean Service via photopin cc
photo credit: NOAA’s National Ocean Service via photopin cc

Captain Lim, blogging at Just About Flying, calls the Bermuda Triangle a myth. Just like the Loch Ness Monster, or Chicago Cubs World Series tickets. (What’s his stance on Pluto, I wonder.)

The Bermuda Triangle could be called a region of doom. It extends between Bermuda, Miami and San Juan. Thousands of travelers pass through it daily. It covers 1,800 nautical miles. I flew through it en route to the Dominican Republic. This qualifies me as a badass.

Hazards abound, though, such as hurricanes and cyclones. Or shallow water where your vessel can run aground if you veer off course. Even Christopher Columbus knew the weather there made for tricky waters. Smugglers’ routes went through the triangle.

Pirates’ circles did, too.

Ever found yourself in open water with pirates and smugglers? It’s worse than a raiders-49ers game. Ships go missing.

Not unlike Richard Sherman, the Bermuda Triangle has blown an awful lot of smoke. Only four airplanes have disappeared in its reach, none since 1949. It’s a romantic story, for sure, yet not worth the hype.

5. Why is the writing on that guy’s T-shirt upside down?

EJP
EJP

Shh. He’ll hear us.

He wants us to comment on it. Back in the day, kids wore Big Johnson T-shirts. Shirts in Boston say “Yankees Suck.” There are those that read “Real Men Beat Eggs,” or “Shoot Film Not Guns.” Websites sell shirts that say “Almost Single” and “Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.”

They start conversations, these threads.

Dude had a shirt that tells us to pull him from the snow, and he’s wearing it on a mild December day in Carolina. At Taco Bell, no less. I found one online that reads, “You had me at ‘Let’s go to Taco Bell.’”

Hear me, girls? I’ll even spring for Fruitista Freezes. Let’s go celebrate Monday.

Even though a despicable team will win on Sunday …

One will also lose.

Celestial criteria, my ass.

shirt quote

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42 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Hot Spots, Fallen Planets and Kitschy Shirts

  1. Great post. Had me laughing the whole way! Totally down with your views on Pluto. So many things to like, but especially: “Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.” Will totally avoid electric eels from now on!

    1. Thanks WW! Some Fridays, the questions all come together. I’m glad no Pluto-un-apologists have stopped by, because I’d have no mercy. Karma does seem a bit behind, doesn’t it? I think it still uses dial-up.

      Maybe electric eels should offer their services to help Karma catch up.

  2. Please tell me the Seahawks’ Coach isn’t a candy crush player!

    I’m with you on Pluto. What an outrage to demote it! Did you notice it has the shape of pizza and a golf disc? I think that’s why you get so protective 😉

    I don’t get the guy in the the t-shirt. Is he afraid somebody will shove him in the snow, head first?
    We are expecting a considerable amount of snow around here this weekend.

    1. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if he is, Tamara.

      Society does some nervy things, but messing with Pluto really got my goat. It’s not an accident at all that pizza, golf discs and Pluto are roughly the shape of my head. Just not as lumpy.

      I don’t get it either, but Grace and I were standing there contemplating the Taco Bell value menu, and he was front-and-center.

      I used to have a shirt when I was a young teen with the caveman from the comic B.C. It had a simple bubble over his head that read, “Where are the broads?”

  3. Pluto, Pluto…

    They demoted it to dwarf planet, then realized than some of Jupiter’s moons had to be upgraded to the same status.

    If it ain’t broke, don’t break it! Grrr…

    Oh well. I’ll add that to the list of things to fix when I’m world leader. 🙂

      1. This better not mean the DNC is endorsing the Patriots, because it would be heck to have to choose between switching political views or becoming a NE fan.

        *shudder*

  4. I’m thinking that the M&Ms out of the barf bag is how Tamara kept Des happy on their flight – right??
    Supposedly my new iPhone6+ has a built in hotspot – wonder if it would work on a flight.

  5. Badass beth and Eli, we’ll never hear the end of this now. I survived the Bermuda Triangle will now appear in random posts. Hang on, how do you know you’re not in an alternate universe now? Great post as usual Mate. I won’t pretend to understand the football speak but it’s good to know you’re passionate about it. Pluto! It should still be called a planet. Lets face it, in the grand scheme of the universe our sun is a dwarf. BC? Now you’re talking loved that strip. take care mate,
    Cheers
    Laurie.

    1. A true badass doesn’t have to say much about it, right beth? But #FUBermudaTriangle could trend.

      If this is an alternate universe, I think I’ll stay. Oh, and this is just a lot of piss and vinegar about my team not being good enough to make it this far.

      Super Bowls are stressful when you’re team’s involved.

      Amen on the sun being a dwarf. What do we accomplish by taking away Pluto’s stripes? Geez mate, it irks me all over again.

  6. Since I am just about to take the kids out in minus 20 weather to go sledding, I kinda need that t-shirt.
    and then some good Mexican food.
    You will be proud to know that even though I still don’t get the game at all, I will be making the effort to watch the Super Bowl tomorrow night. I even bought wings and beer and nacho chips. (right?). I guess given my geographical location, I’ll have to cheer for the Patriots — honestly it has nothing to do with Tom Brady’s lips… I mean arm, and that Captain America himself will be there cheering for them. It’s all just so I can make a semi intelligent sportlike comment the next time I visit.
    Um, what’s a “tight end” – because I listened to some football radio talk and that doesn’t seem to fit with sport talk at all??? 🙂

    1. I thought that was regular-issue for you Canadians, with your meds and whatnot.

      What’s Mexican food in Canada like?

      I love that you’ll watch the Super Bowl. It’s rarely a good game, but beer and nachos can make up for it. Whatever motivates you, I am glad you’re rooting for the lesser of two evils.

      Tom Brady’s no god, Rore. “There’s only one God, ma’am, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that.”

      The CFL doesn’t have tight ends? A tight end is a hybrid lineman/receiver who lines up outside the tackle, mostly. A tight end with good hands is a matchup problem for defenses, because he’s often covered by a linebacker, who isn’t normally adept at pass coverage, and …

      Oh, hell. Just go stare at Rob Gronkowski like half of American women do.

      1. Aren’t we all Gronk? I found it interesting (and sickening) how easily I rooted for New England. Slotback at least doesn’t spur fifth-grader talk about tight ends.

  7. We flew JetBlue but I didn’t know about the WiFi. Obviously you know I have perfected barf bags as snack bags. I mean.. what else are they for?? I shudder to think.
    Cooked carrots.
    That’s what they’re for.
    In Northampton.
    Now you’ll never want to visit!

    1. You were busy with M&Ms and barf bags and couldn’t have been bothered with the Internet. It’s a much better use – I’d much rather have the cat next to me on any flight eat out of one than deposit into one.

      Cooked free-range organic carrots? As Elise would say, “they’re probably on the Democrat aisle.”

      1. The ice cream and McDonald’s are in the democrat aisle because my grandparents ate both and both lived until 100. Both Democrats.

    1. I heard on NPR today there are three, possibly four planets beyond Pluto. All those models we made of the solar system are so jacked up now.

      This generation … they’ll never understand the love for Pluto.

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