No Joke: This Post is All Jokes.


jokes lede

I’ve wanted to write this post for a while.

Mostly because jokes rock. Especially when kids tell them. Can I get a witness from parents who’ve gone through the “I love knock-knock jokes” phase of childhood?

(It occurs somewhere between potty-training mastery and third grade.)

[Did you know 83% of all knock-knock jokes aren’t actually funny?]

I’m lousy at remembering and sometimes delivering a good joke. It’s easier and more effective to simply make fun of something or someone. But I digress. For this post, I’ve lifted jokes I’ve found on the Internet.

Relax. I’m totally crediting the source and even linking to them.


37735057_cc189b3501

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Laugh Factory


Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

A: Bacon and legs.

Funny Jokes


bad haircut

Two barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for 7-dollars. His competitor put up one that read, “We repair 7-dollars haircuts.”

A Joke a Day


Two congressmen disagreed about what sort of pan should be used to cook pancakes. It’s just another example of griddlelock.”

Jokes of the Day


soccer lights
photo credit: Soccer Stadium via photopin (license)

Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?

A: A soccer match.

Great Clean Jokes


A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “It’s $12 for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the Potomac Tidal Basin with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Basin, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “So, you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner. “No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze congressman.”

Jokes Warehouse


Can you share your own joke of the day?

And which of these is your favorite? Or at least the least sucky?

joke quote

Advertisements

50 Comments Add yours

  1. Thank you for the Monday funnies here and btw I totally agree about the knock knock joke phase as we just recently went through it with our younger and was seriously the best 😉

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Kids begin to freelance on those and all hell breaks loose.

  2. vrein11 says:

    Oh my GOODNESS!! Here, we have been at the Knock Knock stage for 20 years!!! They still come out periodically!!!!!! I am glad of that because, well, my young adults……. let’s just say, they are past the knock knock stage but happily jump right back in for the youngers!.. Phew..
    My favorite joke ever, why I don’t really know, but here it is:
    2 muffins are in an oven. 1 says, “Boy its hot in here.” The other says, “AHHH a talking Muffin!!”
    Blessings,
    and am gonna share the rat joke soon as I can- if I can remember- Vicki

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      There are definitely phases I wouldn’t mind my kids had gotten stuck in. Mainly the hugging dad phase, but knock knock jokes wouldn’t be bad, either.

      Love that muffin joke – I’ll spring it on my kids today. Hope you get some laugh out of the rat joke!

  3. Ann Koplow says:

    None of them suck, Eli.

    Here’s a knock knock joke my son made up when he liked knock knock jokes:

    “Knock knock.”
    “Who’s there?”
    “The town detective.”
    “The town detective who?”
    “I’ll be asking the questions around here.”

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Glad you thought so Ann! Love the detective joke. I used it on Grace and she smiled.

  4. stomperdad says:

    Thanks for the laugh. No joke! We are in the throws of the knock knock jokes (a 4 year old an 8).

    Knock knock
    Who’s there?
    Feet.
    Feet who?
    Put my feet in my butt.

    You’re welcome. 98% of his jokes have the words butt and/or poop in them.
    (I just now asked him to tell me a knock knock joke. That’s what he came up with).

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Butt and poop don’t even need accompaniment from other words to make little boys laugh.

      Butt!

      Poop!

      1. stomperdad says:

        They work perfectly well all by themselves!

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        Even for grown men.

  5. Kim says:

    Lol love it! My kids are wondering why I’m giggling, so it’s time to go tickle them. 🙂

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thanks Kim! Go let ’em have it.

  6. Yanic A. says:

    Hehe! Thank you for that… We are in the midst of the Knock-Knock jokes here… especially the interrupting cow one. Thank you Dreamworks and Jim Parsons!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thanks Yanic! That interrupting cow joke is getting it’s day in the sun.

  7. cricketmuse says:

    Why shouldn’t cows tell jokes?
    They would be udder nonsense.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Ha! Good one. Pasted the Grace test, too.

      1. cricketmuse says:

        My goal is to get my 100+ cow jokes published. It receives the nicest rejection letters.

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        I’d back *that* kickstarter.

      3. cricketmuse says:

        Haha–thanks for the support. Moochas gracias!

      4. Eli Pacheco says:

        Maybe that’s your title – Moochas Gracias: the 100 essential cow jokes, 2016.

      5. cricketmuse says:

        I’ll take under consideration for the bilingual version

  8. Kathy G says:

    I have a friend who’s been emailing out a joke of the day ever since she retired two years ago. Sometimes they’re better than others. A recent example:

    A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,
    “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”

    The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing, “That’s
    horrible! So many men dying that way!”

    Confused the husband replies “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were
    skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.”

    After a few minutes, still sobbing, she says, “So how many is a Brazilian?”

    I’ll let you decide where this one is on the quality spectrum.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Oh, that’s of good quality, right there. I read it to Grace and she got it! There’s definitely a Brazilian jokes out there – some of them better than others!

  9. kismaslife says:

    Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
    Their bats flew away….

    Thanks for laughs this Monday!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Ha! I thought this was going to be a shot at the Rockies! (They’d probably beat the Rockies.)

      1. kismaslife says:

        I love the Rockies, even when they kinda suck!

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        We’ll get ’em next year.

  10. Lyn says:

    I think everyone loves knock-knock jokes at some stage of their life. This one isn’t a knock-knock.
    Q “What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?”
    A “A woolly jumper.”

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Some of us never outgrow them, Lyn. Your joke is good, and reminds me of this one:

      What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

      ‘ell if I know. (eleph-ino!)

  11. Enjoyed this post and some of the funny comments. This is one I have heard frequently, afraid the novelty has worn off somewhat:
    Knock knock
    Whose there?
    Cow interrupting
    Cow interrupting w-MOOOOOOOOOO

  12. brittabottle says:

    Love this, Eli! Such fun and made me laugh.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Glad you like it Britta. Do they have knock knock jokes in Thailand?

      1. brittabottle says:

        Not to my knowledge…but I’m far from fluent in Thai, so who knows?

  13. For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven. “You’ve been such exemplary statues,” the angel said, “that I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces. “You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll shit on it’s head!”

    source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/twostatuesjoke.html

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Love that! This is turning out to be a laugh potluck up in here.

  14. Dana says:

    How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
    Walking.
    JK – rolling.
    Get it? Joke courtesy of my eldest, queen of corny jokes. She is gonna love this post!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I get it! JK! I mean, not JK, but JK. You know? Aren’t you glad I’m past that point of making jokes about the Baltimore Ravens?

      (Make sure your Queen of Corny Jokes reads the comments too – there’s some definite corn play going on.)

  15. jannatwrites says:

    Fun post! My kids have told me funny jokes over the years, but my memory is terrible. For some reason this is the only one I can remember: how do you wake Lady Gaga up? You poke her face. Yeah, sorry about that 🙂

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      There are no apologies in the joke realm, Janna. Not even one. We’re all just born this way.

  16. tamaralikecamera says:

    All I’ve got is:

    Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    Europe.
    Europe who?

    (I’m 5)

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      77% of all jokes worldwide are required to include, poo, butt, or some combination thereof. Thank you for helping us to strive for that quota.

  17. ksbeth says:

    what animal loves summer the best? a hot dog. (or something like that, why i’m not a standup)

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      my best standup comedy comes while I’m sitting down.

  18. 1jaded1 says:

    So this joke can be substituted with any stupid with a destination of any city. I’m picking entitled one headed for Detroit bc you may like it. Entitled one moves self to first class section….destination Detroit. Attendants realize that entitled one doesn’t belong in first class because they didn’t pay. Entitled one swears that they will land in Detroit in this seat. After many attempts and flustered they call the captain and inform captain of the situation. The captain assesses the situation and determines that entitled one isnt that smart. Captain whispers a sweet nothing into the entitled one’s ear and entitled one moves back to coach instantaneously. The crew is amazed. What in fs did the captain say? Simple…captain says, “First class doesn’t land in Detroit.” substitute a certain hair color for entitled but stupid and you get the gist.

  19. Great Post Eli! Made me chuckle! TY! 🙂

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thanks CW. Not all jokes can accomplish that (trust me, I was reminded of that during my extensive research.)

  20. Comedy Plus says:

    Oh this is so very true. I so remember the little ones doing the knock, knock jokes and they get way out there with their words.

    Have a fabulous Silly Sunday. ☺

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Chaos equals comedy for kids. When do we lose that as adults? My Silly Sunday has evidently spilled over into my Messed Up Monday!

Say what you need to say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s