Go Ask Daddy About Matchups, Deception and Chick Prevention

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So, the girls and I lean right.

GAD GRAPHICAnd that’s not about when I take a corner too fast in the Pontiac. We’re conservative, yes, and by varying degrees. Elise is furthest right, retweeting ‘Merica tweets and wearing camo hoodies. Grace trends toward moderate, an 11-year-old Libertarian who wants fiscal responsibility and social equality.

Marie? She doesn’t even want to think about it.

I fall somewhere around Marco Rubio – or slightly left of him – on the spectrum. I volunteered for the Ben Carson campaign, because he sent me a bumper sticker. (I didn’t even get a Ben T-shirt, but I ganked a roll of Ben stickers. I should put them on eBay.)

Regardless our spots on the conservative spectrum, it’s more important where we stand as Americans.

We get along every day with people of all colors.

We’re not anti-gay. We’d love for y’all to get married and adopt kids and know the dream.

We’re not racist. We get along every day with people of all colors. Even patriots fans.

We’re not unsympathetic to the poor. We are the poor. We can be generous, and still concerned over taxing and spending by our government. Let us distribute our own wealth, how about.

And we wish, all of us, that the two sides could just meet somewhere in the middle.

Purple, anyone?

1. What if you were gay, and went to speed dating?

Then I’d look for a man with smiling eyes who liked Star Wars, but not too much.

I learned a lot about gay speed dating on Huffington Post.

I’m not gay of course. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I learned a lot about gay speed dating on Huffington Post. (It’s research, boss.) In gay speed dating, at least for the guys, there are “tops” and “bottoms.” That sounds dirty, but I don’t think it is.

I think tops are the masculine ones, and bottoms, perhaps, more feminine? I feel like I’m stepping in it right now.

See the extent I’ll go to answer (or not answer) your questions, girls?

2. How old is Abby Wambach?

Mary Abigail Wambach turned 35 on June 2, and retired a couple of months ago.

She’s nine years older than Alex Morgan, five older than Megan Rapinoe, both Olympic teammates. She’s four years older than Sarah Huffman, whom she married in 2013. Abby won Olympic gold twice and one World Cup championship.

Abby’s English bulldog, Kingston, can ride a skateboard.

She’s 5-foot-11 and a University of Florida alumna.

Those are the facts. These are also Abby facts, but even cooler:

  • Abby’s English bulldog, Kingston, can ride a skateboard.
  • Her favorite food? Burrito bowls.
  • She’s the youngest of seven kids.

3. Is a con just a trick?

It’s a trick that leaves you not baffled by magic, but with a light wallet.

Or maybe with a lighter soul. Try dating websites, or looking for just about anything on Craig’s List. Sure, you can nab that perfect end table or live party ducks. Scams are psychological tricks that convince us that handing over our cash or dignity is a great idea.

It comes in other forms, too. Episodes I-III of Star Wars? Cons. Radio stations that promise “all of the hits” – then puke out the same Adele and Pitbull songs? Cons. When Taco Bell makes your bean burrito, but it’s thinner than a toilet paper roll? Cons!

Episodes I-III of Star Wars? Cons.

4. How do you pick a good mango?

Definitely not from a Nigerian prince.

SQUEEZE IT | A ripe mango will give a little to your fingers (don’t use fingertips), but not mush like school-lunch meatballs.

CHECK IT | A healthy mango will look like a football. A regular one, not one Tom Brady has snuck into the men’s room.

SMELL IT | A righteous mango will give off a sweet, strong aroma. A pineapple-y one, not one that smells like a cup of beer that’s sat in the sun for a week.

KNOW IT | A ready mango could be bright yellow, green, pink or red. You should know which mango you’re biting into, what season it is and where it’s from.

5. How do farmers keep the eggs from hatching?

They keep the boys away.

By boys I mean roosters. An egg needs fertilization from a rooster. The eggs in cartons in Food Lion haven’t been fertilized or incubated, so they’re just for breakfast. A rooster might even fertilize more than one hen’s eggs. It’s like speed dating, poultry-style.

Kind of makes me want an omelet.


34 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Matchups, Deception and Chick Prevention

  1. I love the color purple and pink, too (hey I wrote a whole post about it today) – just saying! But still I am with you and pretty liberal here myself on most if not all the issues at hand. Happy Friday, Eli 😉

    1. I’ll check it out! I wondered about writing political stuff, but the point I wanted to make is that even if we lean different directions, when we’re closer to the middle, we can appreciate the other side more and be open for compromise. We’re so far from that in America right now.

  2. Episodes I-III are all cons. Unfortunately, my four year old loves Jar Jar. On the upside, he loves “Quon-Quon Jin” too. I stand on the fence, but I think I fall to the left more often than the right. On the political spectrum, that is. But I don’t pay much attention to it. I love the name of that chicken and eggs dish. Hilarious! Hope you don’t mind I started my own Q&A with dad 🙂 Thanks for the inspiration!

    1. We just watched two of them in the past two days. It’s striking how bad they are. Even the girls know.

      I think in the middle, there are more similarities than we realize. We tend to frame the other side by their extremes, and that’s unfair.

      The only dish my dad made that I wasn’t crazy about was a type of Mother and Child Reunion – egg salad with chicken in it.

      Awesome about the dad Q&A. Look forward to checking it out. Such inquisitive minds shouldn’t be wasted – especially for blog fodder.

      1. I often dip my chicken in egg before baking it. How’s that for a reunion? The questions are fun. I answer them as truthfully as I can. But in the blog I get to add all the sarcasm and humor that I can’t use on the kids. Win win.

  3. “Episodes I-III of Star Wars? Cons.” Hahaha!

    I’m more of a democratic socialist myself on most issues, but absolutely respect other opinions and try to keep an open mind. My husband is a libertarian, so LM gets to witness debates a lot!

    1. Isn’t it true, though? Especially when you watch or or more of them after seeing Episode 7.

      I think many of us here in the middle are on common ground for lots of issues. Open-mindedness is more common here than on the fringes.

      Debates are good in front of the children – and they beat drug trafficking, unsafe poultry cooking techniques and overt displays of bad grammar, in most cases.

  4. Speed dating, poultry-style, Mother and Child Reunion = chicken and egg, you crack you me up!! I think this might be a good time to ask you about why the chicken crossed the road..?
    PS: did you know you can substitute eggs by the following “simple” ingredients: chia seed, soy protein, agar agar, hahahaha!

    Picking (and slicing) the perfect mango is even harder than doing the same for avocados. I do love meals that contain the two, and that are prepared by somebody else than myself! And please no con burritos, that’s so lame!

    1. What happens on the farm stays on the farm, Tamara. If the chicken crossed the road, that would be a fowl proceeding, you know.

      I think the best substitute for eggs is eggs. I don’t even like to separate the yolk. All in or nothing.

      We’ve had zero success with mangoes. Avocados, we are champions at both picking and destroying in a beautiful bowl of guacamole. Mm.

      1. This reminds me. You once had this cool post about your cooking. You made something and wrote about it. I think you should do it again. If I may submit a request, I’d like something that requires separating eggs because I am not sure if this “all in or nothing” is a life motto, or if it’s just too darn hard for you to do 😉

      2. Hey Tamara – yes, I remember that. It was a chicken pot pie. I will definitely do that again.

        I will not separate a single egg yolk from its egg white, ever. Just on principle!

  5. I do admire the lengths you go to for answers. My younger son was bombarding me with questions in the way to his doctor appt on Thursday and I thought of your Friday posts. Of course I didn’t write anything down so I barely remember a conversation happened 🙂

  6. Nice post, Eli! I read the comments curious to see if anyone made snarky comments after your confession… I’ve been amazed at what people have said to me when they find out I’m conservative. I’ve just never understood it, so I tend to keep my opinions to myself to avoid ridicule.

    On a totally different topic, but one that carries as much wind as most politicians, did you get much snow from the blizzard that’s pounding us right now? We’ve gotten about 27 inches so far.

    1. Thanks Deb! People have been mostly kind about my conservative stance. I think the right – from far to progressive – is considered fair game for liberal target practice.

      But I think we probably agree on more than we realize.

      We got nearly 3 inches of snow and ice and it shut us down for a few days. School still isn’t in for city/county schools today, and that snow came Friday. 27 inches??

  7. I suppose we are somewhat conservative here. I am still slightly shocked when nudity appears….anywhere. But I get; different strokes for different folks. Top or bottom. ha.
    Love is the rule, right? You just gotta put more love and compassion out into the world; even if you cannot stand the politics of the one that needs the loving. But part of me can’t help but often wonder if a return to more “old fashioned values” might just make a difference in this world. We seem to be on the edge of something and quite honestly, I am not sure which way it will tip.

    1. Nakedidity is more prevalent outside North America, probably. Although I do like my cheeseburgers with no ketchup or mustard.

      Love is the rule, and sometimes it’s hard, but maybe then it’s when it’s needed most.

      And you have to expect nothing back, which is also hard. I think the oldest-fashion values might do the trick – you know, do unto others.

      I think good always wins out. I’m sure at many points in human history, we’ve seen moments that it might have appeared on the edge. Maybe it fell off – but today, we’re still here.

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