Go Ask Daddy About Joint Noise, TV Tech and What Happens When You Set a Stopwatch with The Good Book


gad lede 9 2
I call this one, Distortion. Grace’s Coca-cola glass, though, also makes me thirsty.

I won’t divulge individual names right now.

GAD GRAPHICConsider all three girls implicated, though. The injuries they’ve suffered number in triple digits for sure. The injuries they’ve suffered have only a few been serious. The injuries they’ve suffered occurred at the hands of – their other sisters. Well, mostly.

Some are self-inflicted.

One kid suffered a hyper-extended elbow climbing into a cardboard box . One bruised a cheekbone opening a car door. One burned her hand when she touched a stove burner I just turned off. (These are all one kid. And she blames me for the last one.)

Who needs boys?

We buy medical tape, finger splints and ace bandages. “Ice it for 20 minutes,” plays on repeat out of my mouth. We’ve counted bruises and bumps in the car after soccer matches. It’s almost like they’re proud of the rough-and-tumble culture they live in.

I’m kinda proud of it, too.

1. Why does my elbow pop?

I don’t know – but it’s stopped, hasn’t it?

The human body perplexes me. I had ankle pain severe enough that I took a shot of cortisone to it. “If it doesn’t work,” my doctor said, “it is just money.” That’s easy for you to say, pal. Let’s switch salaries for a year and come back to that.

I’m ruling out tennis elbow, or even Wii tennis elbow. When joints pop anywhere, it’s from the nitrogen gas in our bodies. Not that kind of gas. Your elbow – or knee or ankle, anywhere there’s a joint – will pop, like a knuckle, when that gas builds up.

Maybe the choke hold you put your sister in contributes, too.

2. Can we hogtie you on your birthday?

hogtie
photo credit: 234A9940.jpg via photopin (license)

First, let’s examine the term, hog tie.

No, wait. Why my birthday, of all days? A thousand questions just entered the equation. What comes after I’m hog-tied? That’s when hands and feet are fastened together – or four legs, in the animal kingdom. An actual hog-tie Wiki How-To exists.

Everyone hates a poorly executed hog tie. (Side note: Deploy a Google search for ‘hogtie’ only in the privacy of your own home. Not at work.)

What will you do with me then? Is there birthday cake involved? If I allow this, will it end up on a Vine? Will I get fed? That’s an important question. My greatest concern when it comes to being bound: How will I scratch an itch? That reveals much of my mental makeup.

Tell you what – let’s practice on you first, Grace. Your birthday’s next. We’ll try to avoid our first birthday ER visit ever, even.

3. What’s the difference between a Blue-ray disc and a regular disc?

blue rayBlue-ray discs cost more.

For good reason: They blow away standard DVDs for storage space. That’s five times as much storage space. Also, Blue-ray resolution delivers 1080 lines on a screen; DVDs manage less than half that. That disparity leads to amazing detail and clarity of sight and sound.

How vast the distance? Consider these comparable comparisons

If CDs be the Kansas City Chiefs’ Super Bowl trophy case, then Blue-ray be like the Denver Broncos’.

If CDs be an out-of-date Lunchable and a bruised peach, then Blue-ray be like a plate of spaghetti and meatballs at Luigi’s Restaurant in Augusta, Ga.

If CDs be a trip to a port-a-jon in Columbia, S.C., in July, with a broken occupied sign, two weeks late for cleaning, then Blue-ray be like a trip to 5 Napkin Burger in Boston in May, with a table with a view and a server named Kat, two hours after dinner rush.

You get the picture.

4. Where do cows come from?

milk cows
photo credit: Butterworks Farm with Jack Lazor & Fred Kirschenmann_3474 via photopin (license)

They definitely go in to 5 Napkin Burger.

Two cow divisions mark bovine history: One in Europe, one in India. In Europe, folks rounded up wild aurochs, beefy critters as big as twice the size of today’s bull. Man’s appetite for steak and encroaching attack on auroch country led to the species’ extinction in 1627.

A couple of German zoo directors tried to replicate the Auroch, in the 1920s. They look like the mighty Auroch, but aren’t actually, and they’re not as gargantuan. They’re referred to as Heck Cattle, because that’s the brothers’ last name.

Why don’t you just go hog-tie an Auroch?

5. How long would it take to read the bible in church?

It would take 54 hours, which spells absolute doom for anyone’s arse stuck in a pew.

It’d mean you’d miss all the Sunday NFL games, plus Monday Night Football. The Bible’s made up of about 800,000 words, or roughly the same as the Dallas Cowboys’ weekend police blotter file.

People typically read 250-300 words a minute. If you go at it for 30 minutes a day, it’ll go by in four months. The problem: The Old Testament comes first. And while that’s cool, with Genesis and all, it quickly turns into animal sacrifices and a ton of ‘begats.’

Psalms is legit. If you’re going to take that 30 minutes daily, might I suggest New Testament reading, especially the Gospels and Paul’s letters. The Gospel writers were like four reporters on the Jesus beat.

It’s fascinating to read their accounts of some of the same events. I consider the Apostle Paul the world’s first blogger.

I digress. If the New Testament, though, was a CD …

I’d better stop. I think I just heard thunder.

bible quote

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23 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Joint Noise, TV Tech and What Happens When You Set a Stopwatch with The Good Book”

  1. I appreciate that you did not use the Bears as your example of the CD of Super Bowl trophy cases. How have I never been to 5 Napkin Burger in Boston?!?! My kids have been holding out on me. Blogger Paul – I love it!

    1. The Bears have one, that’s why – true, it happened when Carolina Panthers coach Ron Rivera was a pup, but still, more than Kansas City has.

      5 Napkin Burger is just across from the Prudential. Ask for Kat.

      Paul would have more followers than The Bloggess, I imagine.

  2. Thank you for clarifying the dvd/blue ray confusion 🙂 If you think 5 Napkin Burger is good you need to get to a Shake Shack ( they are more known for their burgers than shakes).

  3. When it comes to DVDs and blue rays, why will a blue ray machine play DVDs but DVD players won’t play blue ray? That’s hardly fair. I like my hamburgers with extra onion and bar-be-boo sauce (never tomato ketchup). I like listening to the Bible read by David Suchet on Bible Gateway.

    1. I’ve actually researched this just now … a DVD player isn’t capable of reading a blu ray disc.

      Also, I have to change my post to say blu, not blue.

      I like my burgers with cheese only – as homage, properly, for the animal who sacrificed so that I may eat.

      I’d love for Kristen Bell to read me the bible, Lyn.

      1. Burgers here in Australia traditionally have slices of beetroot on them. Makes for wonderful designs on your shirt while eating 😀

      2. LOL my best (?) experience with food design was chili con carne on a white t-shirt. Oh, I love onion rings on my burger too 😀

  4. Your girls are hard on themselves. My boys are the same… their bruises have bruises. I bet an auroch burger is good. I know buffalo burgers are good. Has anyone been hog-tied for their birthday yet? That definitely tips the scale in oddity for questions asked!

    1. one has a bruise on the bridge of her nose today, courtesy of a sister. They were like pups in the restaurant tonight. There are no places not for horseplay for them.

      Even one of the other sisters considered it odd that question even exists. one kid turns 12 on 12 days. Sounds like a good place to start.

      1. They’re rough and tough! So what you’re telling me is that they’ll always be like this. I won’t ever be able to take them out with them clowning around and horseplaying… Good luck with the hogtie!

  5. Sounds like your girls keep you really busy! And also keep 3M in business. I’m impressed that you haven’t had any birthday ER visits. Hope the trend continues. It’s a bit weird that they’re interested in hog-tying you and it’s definitely suspect. Make sure you have the cake in your actual possession first.
    I love these posts when I learn new, random, interesting facts – like about cows for example. It seems so strange that the cows that European writers described before the 1600s are not the cows we think of today! It’s kind of like when I learned as a kid that American buffalo are not really buffalo.
    There were a couple times when I tried to read the Bible and gave up somewhere around the begat section. I think that starts on page 2. Maybe 3. I just learned last year that the Old Testament isn’t actually arranged in order and it’s supposed to be read out of order if you want to read it like a historical story! That made it a lot easier! But I still haven’t read the whole thing lol.
    Hope you’re having a great weekend, my friend!

    1. Never a dull moment, Lu. We’re frequent ice-pack users, too. All our ER visits have come on someone’s birthdays, but not ours. (I have a post of Grace’s top 5 injuries, if that’s any indication.)

      Rough as my girls are with each other, It’s not advisable to allow them to hogtie me. I believe in that adage, never to raise a hand to your child. It leaves your midsection vulnerable.

      It’s a win if you come away from this space with some knowledge. The cow thing was interesting. Made me hungry, and I’m not sure what to feel about that.

      Should i feel bad that I wish I could edit the bible for clarity and brevity?

  6. I have a permanent bruise on my lower right hip from corning my desk multiple times a day – only I have masters this talent. We buy Blu Rays for the really good movies and the normal DVD’s for the I just want the movie but don’t need to really experience it.

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