I could’ve been an inventor.
It was the science part I had a problem with. I’ve had ideas the kids even got excited about. Well, OK, one. Another one grossed them out. Madison, in fourth grade, drew a picture of this silly cell phone with a glass surface that you could use as a computer.
Crazy kid. She called it the I-computer, and this is what it could do:
“The new i-computer can go anywhere on the Internet. It is just like a real computer. You can load songs onto it too, instead of going home to load songs, you can load songs on it. It’s a fun, portable computer, and you can fit it in a cellphone holder!”
So here’s the five I dreamed up that could have made me a millionaire. Or, more likely, the guy on the infomercial you can’t click away from at 2 a.m.
1. Jack Pack
My ultimate two-in-one: A backpack that doubled as a jacket. Actually, it attached to the jacket, relieving you of the extra step as you walked out the door of putting on a jacket and a backpack. I even envisioned attachable belts so you could separate the backpack from the jacket for washing or in case of a bear attack.
But some Jack Astor nabbed the idea and beat me to research and development. Damn.
2. jon chassis
Not for the squeamish.
Save time on your long trips with the jon chassis. A comfortable, padded commode replaces your run-of-the-mill driver’s seat. Just pull down your pants, sit down, and enjoy the ride. Forget the rest stops: Just let loose when you have to go.
Jon chassis deposits your waste onto the street below. At 55 mph, no need for a clown with a shovel, like with circus elephants.
3. Disposable carpet
Kids and pets, pets and kids.
A grown-up who spills wine. Rather than move your sofa, again and again, to cover the stains, install disposable carpet. When stains make your living room look like a Rorschach Test, just remove the top layer, and voila – a new rug is yours.
Yank up your dog-hair-infested carpet just before the guests arrive. It’s kid finger-paint tested and college frat boy approved.
4. Homework dog
The girls want a pooch to help with spelling and world history. He’d make Lassie look like Scooby-Dum. But this dog is more investigator than a calculator. “Kids, do you have any homework?”
This super dog would search backpacks for unfulfilled assignments, then mark his territory should he detect unfinished homework.
He leaves no equation unsolved.
5. Take-home pizza air fresheners
I love it when I get in my car in the morning and the Pontiac smells like pepperoni. Unfortunately, that fresh-pizza smell doesn’t last forever. Introducing take-home pizza air fresheners, which ensure your auto carries that pizzeria scent long after you’ve scarfed down that pie. Also, buy “smokehouse waitress” shampoo so that special girl in your life smells like she could use some special sauce.
See, I could have been sitting on a gold mine.
Or a land mine. Either/or.