I could’ve been an inventor.
It was the science part I had a problem with. I’ve had ideas the kids even got excited about. Well, OK, one. Another one grossed them out. Madison, in fourth grade, drew a picture of this silly cell phone with a glass surface that you could use as a computer.
Crazy kid. She called it the I-computer, and this is what it could do:
“The new i-computer can go anywhere on the Internet. It is just like a real computer. You can load songs onto it too, instead of going home to load songs, you can load songs on it. It’s a fun, portable computer, and you can fit it in a cellphone holder!”
We didn’t need all those millions of dollars. Honest.
So here’s the five I dreamed up that could have made me a millionaire. Or, more likely, the guy on the infomercial you can’t click away from at 2 a.m.
1. Jack Pack
My ultimate two-in-one: A backpack that doubled as a jacket. Actually, it attached to the jacket, relieving you of the extra step as you walked out the door of putting on a jacket and a backpack. I even envisioned attachable belts so you could separate the backpack from the jacket for washing or in case of a bear attack.
But some Jack Astor nabbed the idea and beat me to research and development. Damn.
2. jon chassis
Not for the squeamish.
Save time on your long trips with the jon chassis. A comfortable, padded commode replaces your run-of-the-mill driver’s seat. Just pull down your pants, sit down, and enjoy the ride. Forget the rest stops: Just let loose when you have to go.
Jon chassis deposits your waste onto the street below. At 55 mph, no need for a clown with a shovel, like with circus elephants.
3. Disposable carpet
Kids and pets, pets and kids.
A grown-up who spills wine. Rather than move your sofa, again and again, to cover the stains, install disposable carpet. When stains make your living room look like a Rorschach Test, just remove the top layer, and voila – a new rug is yours.
Yank up your dog-hair-infested carpet just before the guests arrive. It’s kid finger-paint tested and college frat boy approved.
4. Homework dog
The girls want a pooch to help with spelling and world history. He’d make Lassie look like Scooby-Dum. But this dog is more investigator than a calculator. “Kids, do you have any homework?”
This super dog would search backpacks for unfulfilled assignments, then mark his territory should he detect unfinished homework.
He leaves no equation unsolved.
5. Take-home pizza air fresheners
I love it when I get in my car in the morning and the Pontiac smells like pepperoni. Unfortunately, that fresh-pizza smell doesn’t last forever. Introducing take-home pizza air fresheners, which ensure your auto carries that pizzeria scent long after you’ve scarfed down that pie. Also, buy “smokehouse waitress” shampoo so that special girl in your life smells like she could use some special sauce.
See, I could have been sitting on a gold mine.
Or a land mine. Either/or.
Just a dad ... 
I wished I could come up with something awesome to invent too! I hope you have a great weekend!
Thanks Lisa – it’s cold enough to wear a great scarf this weekend! I swear, just one of these inventions going to the patent office and I could be hob-knobbing with Kennedys and what not.
My husband invented matzah ice cream cones — in his head. Until someone else did for real. It probably was a skillion dollar idea. You know, because we Jewish folk make up .1% of the world’s population. 😉 Yes, that’s a decimal before the 1. Not dirt on your screen. To think, we could have been rich, too.
I invent so much in my head, but a lot of it, I can’t write about. Who cashes in on our inventions, anyway? A skillion dollars would buy a lot of pizza. Matzah ice cream cones would probably go mainstream, don’t you think?
(I’m an Episcopalean Hispanic, and I’d have tried your matzah ice cream cones. Wait, is that allowed?)
HA! What FANTASTIC inventions. I could seriously use every one of them!! Quite frankly- the
jon chassis would be PERFECT for me!!! I am a “once an hour/half hour pee-er”. Every road trip kills my family as we have to pull over at EVERY rest stop. It was really awesome when the kids were little and I was traveling with them alone….had to wake them up and drag them into the dirty stalls so mommy could tinkle. SO Sucked. I need the JON CHASSIS!!!!! But what about the wiping part???? You may do the jiggle…but I truly prefer some tissue please. 🙂
And btw- I CANNOT believe Elise had that idea in fourth grade. BLOWS me away. That girl will be the next big name in technology!!!
Well, the platinum model of jon chassis comes with a bidet. But you have to spend the big bucks. (Fred Flintstone would have had an elephant under the car instead).
I think we should go to litigation with Apple over Elise’s obvious overdue royalty checks. If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit. Or something. I need to watch Judge Judy.
Something to easily round up those big long exterior extension cords would be nice. Really nice.
A portable jukebox with a hard drive that held my iPod, so I don’t have to create playlists, but could select any song I wanted from the 12k + on my device without having to pause and search in between. One loud enough that I could leave the room if I wanted and it would still sound good. I have more specs if you decide to invent..
A diaper bag that also has a padded space for an ipad or tablet (to reduce the bags we have to carry when we travel) would also be great. Or would have been. We don’t use diaper bags anymore. 😉
I could go on… and I’ll take the disposable carpet when you’ve got that ready too, please. I have no comment on the jon chassis (except EWWW & LOL!).
I saw a video online about those … you can use those medal clips to keep them together, and bread plastic things to label which cords are which. Or, you can do like me, and not go under the desk unless something gets unplugged.
I have one of those sound block things for ipods and stuff.
I feel like the male version of Ask Heloise.
Just don’t drive too close behind my family on road trips.
The Jack-Pack!?! Shut up!! I would totally buy that!!
I feel your awesome invention pain. I had the idea to put jokes on tampon wrappers. I mean, when does a woman REALLY need to laugh. Alas, my Tampuns never took off.
I know, wouldn’t that be cool? The rest of the line could include underwear that’s snapped into your pants ahead of time.
I will start a society of Frustrated Inventors. Tampuns! We’ll give those out at the door. We could even put snide remarks on them like those Taco Bell sauce packets – “I’m going in!” or “Please, no! I’m clausterphobic!” or even “to infinity – and beyond!”
We need to call the patent office.
Word!
Fittingly, this was the 900th comment on my blog.
I am humbled.
I need disposable carpet! If you invent it, I will buy it. The Jon Chassis would come in handy with the teen with the teeny tiny bladder and the 3 year old.
I would have made a killing on the carpet. There’s still time, right? Someone told me the jon Chassis was a crappy idea.