My friend – let’s call him, Stewie –loved comic books.
I wasn’t a fan. All the Superman stuff seemed like kid play. As a kindergartner, I was all about Spiderman. By middle school, I’d moved on to bigger things: the NFL, Star Wars, and girls, if there wasn’t a football or any Star Wars figures around.
Anyway, Stewie loved comic books.
After school, Stewie treated me to a Slurpee at 7-11 while he shopped for comics. I picked the biggest cup available to mankind and filled ‘er up. But what should have been a stellar day of cold refreshing food coloring suddenly became an episode of Cops.
Stewie emerged from the comic book aisle, his red windbreaker tucked tightly in the front of his Rustler jeans, to conceal – I’m estimating here – about 752 comic books stashed against his chest.
Just look casual, Stewie. Just look casual.
Maybe no one will notice a 73-pound kid stealing 47 pounds of comics. Hollering and a chase ensued. A goateed convenience-store clerk chased Stewie far into the forest. I left the filled-to-the-brink gigantic Slurpee cup on the counter and walked out slowly.
Just look casual, Eli. Just look casual.
This story was a really long way to segue into the first Go Ask Daddy question from my kids this week. And because of the kids, I’m now all about The Avengers. But I don’t think I’ve had a Slurpee since that day.
1. Does Captain America’s shield come back to him like Thor’s hammer does?
The shield – unlike Stewie’s red windbreaker – never fails him.
The shield is Cap’s primary weapon. Like Horacio Caine’s sunglasses, it’s also his primary accessory. After bouts with shield-shaped shields that didn’t bounce back to Captain America, President Franklin D. Roosevelt presented Cap with a circular shield as a gift.
Tony Stark, aka Ironman, added electronic and magnetic components to the shield to give it boomerang-like properties. I could have used one in the 7-11 that day.
2. How big is a dinosaur’s heart?
Substantially large. Dinosaurs are philanthropists for such causes as the Wounded Raptor Project, Spinosauruses Without Borders and Anklosaurus Red Cross.
Soft tissue makes lousy fossils. We can’t be sure of the size of a dinosaur’s heart.
But, take the Brachiosaurus, a considerable herbivore. At almost 30 tons and 85 feet long, it would take a massive ticker to pulse blood through that body. Almost as big the ones you walk into at kids’ museums.
Brachiosaurus wouldn’t probably eat eggs, not unlike some people we know …
3. What do you call people who won’t eat anything from an animal, but eat eggs?
Not sure, but do you know why the tofu crossed the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
So, the non-omnivores among us baffle me. Especially if you don’t eat eggs. If you can’t enjoy a juicy cheeseburger, I’d hope and pray you could eat deviled eggs and eggs goldenrod at least.
But alas, no.
Some vegans, and vegetarians, even, make exceptions to suit their lifestyles, such as allowing eggs, or cheese, or even grilled pork chops.
Vegans, though, eat no animal products, only plants and tofu. To each his own. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
4. Was Hershey popular back then?
Grace saw a “vintage” Hershey’s tin at an antique mall (and by vintage, I mean circa the 1990s, when we thought it’d be cool to make new stuff look like old stuff).
When Milton Hershey developed chocolate bars in 1895, he had a corner on the market. Baby Ruth didn’t come along until 1921, and M&Ms in 1941. We had to wait until 1971 for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and until almost 1980 for Sour Patch Kids.
Hershey was so much the only show in town back then that he could create his own town, complete with a bank, zoo, hotel, churches, and eventually an amusement park and hockey team.
And Hershey’s even vegan-safe. Yay!
5. Do they go for touchdowns in the end zone with their name on it?
They tried that, but for a few oakland raiders players, the 12 seconds required to lip-read the end zone could prove unfair. Only in bowl games and the Super Bowl are both teams’ names depicted in football field end zones.
The home team’s name is featured in the end zone.
And how cool would it be to score in your rival’s end zone and spike the ball all over their name and colors, and maybe even rip out a little touchdown dance on it? And if someone does the same in your team’s end zone? Well, you remember that for a while.
Not that I hold grudges. But Stewie, if you’re out there …
You still owe me a Slurpee.
All I can say is thank goodness Sour Patch Kids were invented before my arrival in 1981! I owe that confectioner a big smooch. And my lips will already be perfectly puckered from the sour awesomeness. Love your calm reaction to the Stewie comic caper. Way to put down the Slurpee & walk away. Well done!
Psh … I was 10.
The guy was the only clerk in there, and Stewie put the comics on a shelf before he made a run for it. The other element: Our other friend, let’s call him Timmy, was carrying my saxophone in the store, too, and walked right in front of the clerk to give Stewie a head start.
We weren’t accomplices, and because Stewie put down the comics, I always consider that move by Timmy as just looking out for his friend.
That is some story! That’s a tough spot for a friend to put another friend into. I’m glad you kept your wits about you. I don’t know how calm I would have been.
And to think, having to research about Captain America’s shield brought on that memory. I had no idea he had a heist in mind. We met up later on the other side of the forest. I was pretty bummed about the Slurpee.
Now I have to know what eggs goldenrod is.
You’d love it … although my mom altered the recipes you might find online like this one. She wanted something less runny, that would sit on a piece of toast.
Thank goodness you didn’t start down the slippery slope to a lifetime of crime at the tender age of 10! I imagine your blog would have a different tone from behind bars! Ha!
I bet they don’t let you blog much in the slammer. Or check your fantasy football team. Or have many Slurpees.
So glad I’m on the outside.
Now I want a slurpee.
My dad used to work for M&M Mars and Hershey was the enemy! The rumor is that the recipe for Hershey Kisses and chocolate bars was burnt milk, and it was initially accidental. I haven’t fact checked this, and I’m suspicious about any milk chocolate that is vegan-safe. I really don’t have a clue, though! I just know it tastes funky to me in my supertasting ways. (which is a superhero power)
Chocolate rivalry. Love it! Do you still hold a grudge? I think it’s cute my kids hate my rivals, too, and even go against the political stuff I talk about!
Your supertasting thing would be interesting to try out at Taco Bell. Can you distinguish from different kids of bugs?
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a blog that shows a rather gorgeous Wonder Woman reclining on a couch reading a comic. Eli, you have attained heroic status Mate. Captain America however looks like he’s consumed 37 gallons of grape Slurpee. So, is Stevie doing 20 to life somewhere? Had to ask. Dinosaurs, I think I read somewhere that the brontosaurus’s may have had two or even three hearts to keep all that blood going. Maybe there were Philanthropasaurus’s around then like you mentioned. Lovely tummy with veges on? Too many openings there for me to make crass statements. Chocolate I like, gridiron I don’t understand it all. Except they call players Refrigerator or something like that. Great post.
I thought she might appeal to you, mate. It was either here, or a grumpy looking midlifer-looking fellow in a Green Lantern t-shirt with pattern baldness on his beard. Good call?
Captain America is the ultimate soldier – in this case, I suspect a thyroid problem. But a brother can dream.
I didn’t even realize those veggies were on a belly. That photographer was from Charlotte, too. Wonder if it’s a selfie. A veggie-smothered selfie.
You don’t miss a beat, do you?
Glad the artwork could at least get the blood in your one heart going.
Refrigerator is just the start. There was one chap known as “He Hate Me.” But I don’t know if that counts, because I think that nickname was self-inflicted.
Thanks Eli, I have a thing for female superheroes in er, tight outfits. I liked Captain America but this guy knocked the edge off. Love veges on belly, a belly selfie indeed. True, I don’t miss much at all. He Hate Me, what a name indeed, love it. looking forward to next weeks.
This Captain America is more the everyman’s hero, mate – he gives all of us hope.
Mine was the Phantom, a loner who lived in the wild jungle. The man who couldn’t die, etc etc. They all follow the basic formula from the beginning of time, a hero for the masses who gives hope in times of need. Disappears and only returns at times of tragedy. Love ’em.
Or, as was the case in “The Incredibles,” the public forced them into exile through public complaints and lawsuits.
They, are out there, somewhere.
LOVE Wonder Woman. Maybe if you were wearing that costume, you could have created a nice distraction for your sticky-fingered friend.
There was a Hershey Factory in my mother’s home-town. About 45 minutes from where we lived. You could go into their little front store that sold all the “rejects” and for $5 be in a diabetic coma within 30 minutes. It was awesome.
Seriously – I can remember eating 3 chocolate bars some days when we were visiting my grandparents farm. and doing that often. And I a skinny little stick.
Before you hate me……keep in mind, while one hand was shoveling chocolate…..the other hand was shoveling something else….brown. Not Awesome.
Who doesn’t love Wonder Woman? Had I worn that costume for 7-11 heist day, everyone would have gotten free Slurpees – I’m a real heartbreaker in the right ensemble, especially in profile.
I love the idea of chocolate rejects getting another chance … that’s sort of the story of my life! I just hope in all your chocolate shoveling you didn’t, not even once, forget which hand was shoveling what, Rory.
Stewie was a bad friend choice, you can’t trust someone who will come between a boy and his gallon sizes slurpee…eggs are weird, knowing where they came out and what it is…
Stewie still owes me. Apparently, he’d taken smaller harvests previously at that store, and you know, when a man gets a little power …
Eggs and kids come from the same kind of place. Kids are weird too, but at least they’re all cooked up.
Amazing and Thank you very much, Interesting article, Thanks and regards
Much thanks, amigo. I have your blog on my to-read list.
An excellent post, chalked with stellar advice not to mention a classic joke modernized to make sense finally. Why did the chicken cross the road? We’d thought we heard that joke, every way possible. Love the tofu twist though. As for the lesson of the day. When your Hispanic friend, Stewie emerges out of an isle appearing 46 pounds heavier, quickly fall down and appear to be having a heart attack so as to make for a better partner in crime!! LOL Luv the post, love the nod to comic books. Inion is a comic book junkie, starting at the ripe age of 5 & still going. Even though she has more than 250 comic books. Her favorite comic book character of all time, would have to be: Harely Quinn. Now I know what your thinking. Really?! But her logic is that Joker is the most colorful, psychotic sociopath villain of all time. And the only person he ever feared was Harley Quinn!! The power of a woman! Once again, great post, sharing now.
Tofu changes everything! I think I will try tofu – on the same day all delicious animals are absent from planet earth.
I will never, ever argue the power of a woman. I’m sort of awash in it. And that’s not even counting the Couch Wonder Woman I stumbled upon in Wikimedia Commons (You’re welcome, Laurie).
Thank you for sharing my work! I look forward to reading your blog, too.
This was funny! Kids ask the craziest things. Thanks for sharing with Hump Day Happenings.
It’s one of my favorite spots to link up, J.
Hmm, I had no idea about #3. How did one parent prior to Google? Oh yeah right, my parents just sent me outside and said come back before dinner. No endless questions to field that way.
It’s out there, Jen. Before Google, I think we just BSed. My parents did, or said, “shut up and go play in the street!” You’re right about that one.