I’m teaching my girls that double standards just don’t exist.
Standards are way more than double. There’s a set of expectations, high and low, fair and unfair, that probably existed far back enough that guys like Augustus and the guy who was the Beatles drummer before Ringo Starr had to stop and say, “what’s up with that?”
Rather than model for my girls that a different set of standards is something to whine about, I’ll try to show them the upside of being held to a higher standard.
How’m I doing? Oh, I’ll let you know, in 111 years or so.
1. Why do people make a big deal if a boy does a one-handed cartwheel, but if a girl does it, it’s no big deal?
Know how you used to giggle when I wore purple? “That’s a GIRL color, daddy!” you’d say. (It’s also the Rockies’ primary color. Hmm.) Boys are expected to take karate, play baseball and throw rocks; Girls are expected to take gymnastics, play Barbies and throw fits.
When a girl rips a perfect spiral at the park for an outdoor music fest, dads marvel at her skill. A boy who throws a spiral might draw criticism (especially if his name is Tim Tebow, with a hitch in his delivery.)
Society says a girl should be able stick a front aerial flip while baking sweet potato pie by age 2. It says a boy who masters a somersault by age 12 is a master, indeed.
There’s no solution. But the girl who can turn the one-handed cartwheel *and* rip that perfect spiral is one after my heart from the start.
2. Do they have to tell you if someone dies in a house?
It depends on the state of the union the house is in.
No states require home sellers to tell you if someone died of natural causes. If an uncle died in the living room of a heart attack, for instance. If someone died by electrocution because your wiring dangled from the ceiling in the shower, well, you’d have to disclose that, because they died because of unsafe conditions in the house.
Depending on the state, a violent death, say, by Colonel Mustard in the ballroom with a lead pipe, you should mention that. No one wants Mr. Boddy haunting their new digs.
3. What does a Skye Terrier look like?
See picture left.
To me, a Skye Terrier looks like a lot of the boys at your school with the floppy hair. They have those silly-ass ears on which you’re not sure where ear ends and hair takes over. Move their bangs aside, and they look curiously like Jeff Bridges.
They have legs like a sawed-off coffee table, although I’m reasonably sure no one has ever seen a Skye Terrier’s legs, actually.
They’re usually hidden, like whoever holds the wires and has his hand in Kermit the Frog.
4. If you get a tattoo and then a suntan and then get your tattoo removed, will it show?
Suntans would be the least of your worries if you’ve had a tattoo removed. Let’s say after 11 or so rums and Cokes, I got that Mad Woody Woodpecker tat I rattle on about at times, on my left biceps. Then let’s say I lounged out on Playa Tortugas and just long enough to get all honey-roasted-er.
Let’s say in two weeks, I decided against the otherwise permanent fixture of my skin. Let’s say I found a tattoo-removal artist in downtown Cancun and did the deed, but still had that killer tan.
My skin likely will scar during tat removal. It might not be pretty.
Scars are made of second-rate skin. They don’t tan, but they can burn. Exposed long enough, they’ll just get darker, which will make it look like a dark version of the tat I paid to remove in the first place.
The moral of the story here is if you’re going to get tatted up, at least go for something you’ll want to keep around. Either in the colorful form, or the painful, sandblasted removal and permanently sun damaged version.
5. How do NFL players adjust to the time change when they play in London?
Let’s first look inside the numbers:
256 | Games in an NFL season
136 | Computers needed to create the NFL schedule
32 | NFL teams
17 | Weeks in the season
3 | NFL games in London
This season, games in London will start at 2:15 p.m. local time. That’ll feel like 9:15 a.m. to East Coast teams and 10:15 a.m. to the Detroit Lions and Kansas City Chiefs, the teams this season playing from the Central Time Zone. This is roughly the same time a guy like Pacman Jones wraps up his club crawl.
You lose a night’s sleep traveling to Europe. Seasoned travelers prepare by adjusting their sleep schedule a week or so before departure, getting up and going to bed earlier by 30 minutes each day.
Eat light on departure day (wait, what??), don’t get hammered, and don’t drive when you get there.
Unless you’re Alex Smith and you find yourself driving your Kansas City Chiefs offense down the Wembley Stadium grass late in the game against the Detroit Lions. Then you just have to do it.
Different standards and all.