The comeback is complete.
I haven’t done a Go Ask Daddy post since … the last time the Rams were in the Super Bowl. Or the Patriots didn’t cheat. That was 1776. Anyway, it’s been a while, and the girls’ questions are different now, but I still have 250 unanswered waiting on a spreadsheet.
Here’s how it works.
I select five questions each week randomly. They come from a trove of inquiries my girls ask. I capture them on bits of paper or in my phone note-taking app or in sharpie on my skin. (Not really, that last one.) Most I forget if I don’t write them down immediately.
Then I get to Googling or investigating or bugging friends on IM for answers.
Questions range from the profane (Are there sketchy places in Canada?) to the tear-jerking (Would you die for me, daddy?) All get answered. It’s a venerable encyclopedia (remember those?) of a dad’s paltry wisdom in answer to children’s untamed wonders.
Ya me voy.
1. Do they know back at the fire station if a fire engine’s siren is on?
I defer to my wonderful friend Stacey from Ohio. She also hates the Dodgers and also Tom Brady. She’s a dispatcher. She says there’s not a monitor back at the house. The fire department doesn’t monitor whether the sirens are on, though.
“Once the trucks leave the building, there are no sirens (in the firehouse),” Stacey says. “The dispatch is on an open mic, so everyone left at the house knows what’s going on.”
We got a visit or two from a fire truck. We kept having false alarms by mountainous kitties moving about with motion sensors on. The last fireman got kind of fed up. Said he was going to kick the door in if we didn’t get there first and disarm the alarm.
Our bluberous and nervous cats wouldn’t have survived that! So you know what? We stopped having false alarms. #SirYesSir
2. Have they made a new shoe or car yet in 2019?
(Note: The original question said 2015. Yeah, some of these puppies have been on the shelf for a minute or 326,092.)
New shit for 2019 is totally space age – and customized for the lazy. (Makes me think our future might look like what we saw on Wall-E (greatest love story of all time, by the way) after all.)
Behold the self-tying shoe. Nike engineers actually made good on the invention made famous in Back to the Future. Check it out. Creator Tiffany Beers can tell it better:
As for cars … hell, they already have some new and redesigned models for 2020! The 2019s had a few come out in late 2018. They look like the Matchbox cars I played with as a kid. So sleek. So futuristic. So batmobile.
So many by BMW and Bentley have no context because those cars – or their late-model counterparts – don’t often park in our barrio. BMW 8 series and Audi 8s and such. It’s no surprise the Hyundai Nexo caught my attention, though.
I drive a Hyundai. Gray with gray interior. If ever a car was designed to blend in … this one does it. Put me on a concrete parking deck and I’m virtually undetectable.
It’s a battery-electric model that’s sleek and sexy, yet grounded. It can go 370 miles without a recharge. And it’s available after Q2 – in California only. Figures. But what the hell is a dodgers fan going to do with a gorgeous car like this?
3. Do the Lions play every Thanksgiving?
Question: How do you get billing for the Detroit Lions during Super Bowl week?
Answer: Have the universe pick one of the two questions in the bank about the Detroit Lions during Super Bowl week.
There’s a turkey joke in here somewhere, too, but that’s too easy. Especially because the Dallas Cowboys also play on Thanksgiving. It all began in 1934, five years after the Lions were born in Portsmouth, Ohio.
They’d moved to Detroit that year, but couldn’t compete for fan loyalty.
The Tigers were the talk of the town. The Lions could barely fill a stadium. Team owner George A. Richards came up with the wacky idea of playing on Thanksgiving. Richards, a radio station owner, talked NBC into broadcasting the game, against the Chicago Bears.
It was a great matchup back then. And the Lions sold out their little 26,000-seat stadium, which is kind of like what the Los Angeles Chargers play in. It was a good game. Detroit lost. (HIstory repeats itself!) But a tradition was born.
4. What do different lightsaber colors mean?
Look, I don’t know who, but someone snuck in and added a lot of shit to Star Wars.
Disney, perhaps? Flash fiction? I don’t know. Maybe the Shaw of Iran. So I’m going to give you the lowdown on lightsabers in the Star Wars universe. The original. No LEGO Star Wars or Disney Star Wars or Star Wars on ice. Pay attention.
For who? The peaceful. The meditators. The turn-the-cheek crowd.
Who on Star Wars, though? Luke, Yoda
Who in sports? The New York Jets, The Oakland As
For who? The aggressive. The evil. The cut in line in front of you at Aldi crowd.
Who on Star Wars, though? Darth Vader. Duh. Darth Maul and Kylo Ren.
Who in sports? New England Patriots, obvi. Dodgers. They have a little red.
For who? Liberty and justice for all. Those with mad skilz. The lightsaber tricks on YouTube crowd.
Who on Star Wars, though? Obi-Wan, Anakin Skywalker
Who in sports? The Denver Nuggets, Tennessee Titans
For who? The undeclared, the use-both-sides Jedis. The switch lanes 50 times crowd.
Who on Star Wars, though? Mace Windu, Mara Jade Skywalker
Who in sports? Colorado Rockies, Minnesota Vikings, Sacramento Kings
Which lightsaber is right for you? Take this quiz.
5. What is falafel?
It’s the failed color of a lightsaber, the same as day old guacamole, designated for the Jedi who shows up after the fight, with no belt and cramps in his calves.
It’s clumps of chickpeas or fava beans, deep-fried, from the Middle East. Basically, if Tehran had a County Fair with carnies and impossible balloon-popping games, that’d be sold in the food tent. It’s like hush puppies for Pakistanis.
It’s like the answer to hummus for the KFC crowd. It looks delicious, though, and I’d so have a clump or two with some fried flounder. I might even share mine with Kylo Ren.
But not Tom Brady. Some evil just isn’t falafelable.