Finally I have time to write a Go Ask Daddy post!
I’d hoped this quarantine era would at least give me more casual blog writing time. What it’s become is highly distracted work-from-home time, with work days that drone into the night. At least I know this because I change from day pajamas to night pajamas.
Just getting to this point is a victory, though.
The girls amazingly haven’t had any COVID questions, but there’s plenty in the vault from yesteryear. Hell, some of these questions have been around since the Spanish Flu epidemic. (Or, close to it.)
I choose five questions at random from a spreadsheet to answer for these posts.
Today is an amalgamation of cannibalism, waterfowl identification and simple world time management. You know, those run-of-the-mill things that dads are good for. Dad with access to a Google search in particular.
1. What happens if you eat yourself?
You know, I said there weren’t any COVID questions …
But this one could be. Luckily, this eventuality seems far off. We have a game from Target coming tomorrow (and a grocery order from Aldi – including animal crackers, which I will destroy). And another pickup order from Publix on Saturday.
Hey, a dad has to keep the Coke Zero supply going somehow.
If one must dine on oneself, well, it doesn’t look good for you. Like, seriously. I’d rather starve. (And if Totino’s doesn’t get their ass in gear and supply our neighborhood stores with more party pizzas, it’s a distinct possibility.)
This is what would happen if you wind up on your own menu:
- The pain will send you into neurological shock.
- You’ll need IV fluids and medicine to bring you back to consciousness.
- Brain damage will likely do you in.
- Hell girls, we still have quinoa in the pantry. Which sounds slightly more appealing.
This is NOT the answer, by the way …
2. Do you get to keep the ball if it goes in the stands?
It depends on the sport. And league. And situation. And we have plenty of instances in which we’ve seen it all, already. Like the time Hayden grabbed a ball at a Charleston Battery game and tossed it back on the field.
(The right thing to do.)
I kept the ball when I snagged a line drive at a Chattanooga Lookouts game (with baby Camdyn on my hip!) Ditto for when I fell backward in my chair after asking an outfielder, in Spanish, to throw me a ball.
Or when that Norfolk Tides catcher threw me the ball after he tagged a runner out at home to end the inning.
All those are legal and right. It’s tradition that if you catch a soccer ball, you throw it back. You also have to give the ball back at an NFL game, unless Cam Newton hands it to you. (Otherwise, it might be a ball that Tom Brady wants back. You know.)
Arena Football League rules said that you can keep any ball that goes into the stands.
This should apply NASCAR even. If a quarter panel flies into the stands, you should be allowed to keep it, like Obama said about your health insurance. Once, a baseball bat flew right over our heads at a Knoxville Smokies game. But that’s another post.
And sometimes you bring a decoy ball into a baseball stadium to make the play of the game to a dreamy girl when you’re 10 and have the game of 30 Greek Gods. See here:
Then, actually, Gabby gets the real prize for this classic catch (Not bad for a Padres fan!)
3. What is that?
It’s a muscovy! You know how they say, if it talks like a duck and walks like a duck … ? Well, here’s your asterisk. The muscovy looks like a duck but acts like a goose! Plus, they have a breast like a turkey and cock-a-doodle-doo like a rooster.
Talk about an identity crisis.
Sometimes they get confused or try to defy their parents and they mate with ducks. Their kids are known as mule ducks because they can’t reproduce! The younger ones are tasty, in case it comes to that (and we don’t want to eat ourselves.)
You can even keep one as a pet.
Well, not YOU, girls. Even though they’re smart, curious and social, they’re not big cuddlers. Don’t ask me how I know this. In fact, they can get testy and violent in a wing flap. They can live 8-12 years in the wild, but 20 in captivity. Not in your room, I reiterate.
4. How do you get food if you are flooded in?
Again, a tad relevant right now.
We’re not talking flood, but that Publix drive-up order won’t be ready until Saturday. I have ⅓ of a 2-liter of Coke Zero left. I don’t like those odds. In a flood, the first concern is the food you already have. Don’t eat it if it comes in contact with flood water.
Flood water is like, the nastiest.
The problem with getting food in a flood is that places that make food are often flooded. So is your street. This becomes problematic for a) driving to new food or 2) getting new food driven to you. This makes me itchy just thinking about it.
5. It’s the same time here as it is in New York?
That could be the shortest answer in Go Ask Daddy history. But what fun would that be? Both New York and Charlotte, N.C. are in the same time zone and are both, at this moment, 1:00.10 AM ET. (Yes, I should be in bed by now.)
Italy, where COVID has had a heavy toll, is 6 hours ahead of us.
Interestingly, no country is 24 hours ahead of us. Hawaii is 10 hours behind Greenwich Mean Time, and we’re 4 hours behind it. GMT is the solar mean time at the Royal Observatory in Greenwich, England. We’re 3 hours ahead of California.
Which was cool to be in when I could watch the Thursday night NFL game and it didn’t go until midnight. I actually went out for a beer and enchiladas afterward because it was only like 9! Eating enchiladas is always preferable to eating yourself.
And someday, girls, we’ll go to a Mexican restaurant again and hit the chips and salsa hard and even spring for the queso. We’ll order entrees, all of us, and celebrate the day this COVID madness ends. Until then – I love having you around.
And I miss you, Madison.