Go Ask Daddy About Soda Bottles, Laws of Tanning, and the Ultimate Greenback


Court, over at Baking in my Bathing Suit, had an idea.

GAD GRAPHIC“Have you ever done a ‘Readers Ask Coach Daddy”? She asked in comments on my most recent Go Ask Daddy post. “I bet you people have some good questions for you.” So I aim to find out.

Send me your Go Ask Daddy questions this week.

Put “Go Ask Daddy” in the subject line and email to bloggingeli@gmail.com. If I get five or more, I’ll pick five and answer them. If not? I’ll act like this never happened.

I’ve had similar bad luck when I asked for questions for my short-lived Ask a Boy feature. Maybe this is different.

Maybe five years of taking a weekly (weakly?) stab at solving the mysteries of my kids’ imagination empower me to take on the universe. Maybe we’re on to a new feature around her. Or maybe your questions will pale in comparison to my girls’ inquiries.

We shall see.

1. How do they make logos for soda bottles?

50 poptart pepsi soccerYou could do it on a website like this or like this.

Today, you’d hire an agency. Back in Coca-Cola’s inception, one partner might turn to the other and say, “Two Cs would look cool in ads.” (That’s how Coke’s logo came to be.) Pepsi took off with a patriotic color scheme, but what has become of it over history?

This blogger says the logo has been modified to represent some cosmic ideas, such as:

  • Earth’s magnetic field
  • Feng Shui
  • Golden Ratio
  • Pythagoras geodynamics
  • Theory of relativity

Conspiracy theories aside, you can go to this site and make your own Coke label.

2. What does that stuff they spray on soccer injuries do?

There’s about as much sorcery in that product as there is in the Pepsi logo – depending on who you ask. (About the spray *and* about the Pepsi logo).

You might have seen it used in the last men’s World Cup tournament. The scene repeated – boy player taps shinguards with an enemy (or comes close to appearing to), boy player grimaces as if he’s had his spleen extracted through his right nipple.

Boy writhes on the ground clutching his shin guard with one eye open to see if the ref is falling for it.

Next, comes the trainer, who, before teaming up with teammates and other trainers to heft the near-death player onto a gurney, sprays a magic aerosol onto his beleaguered calf, and – voila! He’s cured, and motoring back up the pitch!

(Female players just skip these outbursts.)

That can could contain many things, such as:

COLD WATER | You know, to regulate body temperature

TINCTURE OF BENZOIN | This helps prep sweaty skin for a wee bandage

ETHYL CHLORIDE | It’s a skin refrigerant and could steal pain away from, say, a stubbed toe

Just give me a Coke Zero and a snickerdoodle and I’m good to go.

3. Can you get a tan from a camp fire?


It’s about as likely as a spray can containing a miracle elixir for overdramatic soccer boys.

You might get red skin or even a burned hole in your sweater from an ember if you sit too close to a campfire. You can’t, however, bronze by basking in the glory of one. For tanning, you must have UVA and UVB rays to properly bake your skin.

While you’re laying out and think you’re turning sexy in the sun, you’re actually exciting your photons enough to cause DNA damage. Melanogesis results. That’s when your body produces more melanin, a biological dye. This makes your skin darker.

A campfire lacks the high energy components to cause tanning. But they do roast a damned good marshmallow. And isn’t that what counts?

4. AT&T Stadium. Where is it?

dallas cowboys
photo credit: Ray Bouknight via photopin cc

It sits at 1 AT&T Way, in Arlington, Texas.

It’s where the Dallas Cowboys play, and other teams play playoff games. Even Super Bowls. Other teams win there, such as the Green Bay Packers, in Super Bowl XLV. (The Cowboys last won a Super Bowl anywhere in Super Bowl XXX – about XX years ago.)

Fun facts about the Cowboys’ home

  1. It’s often called The Death Star for it’s menacing bulk – and perhaps also for the foreboding implosions that occur within.
  2. Thousands of fans have paid $200 each to stand outside the stadium to watch the game on a big screen.
  3. While the Cowboys lost eight straight home games at AT&T Stadium in 2015-16, the University of Alabama won three straight there, beating Wisconsin, Michigan State, and Southern California in the $1.2 billion stadium.

5. Is there a million-dollar bill?

If there is, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones would bet one or two on his team not losing eight straight home games ever again. (I say his odds are 7:2 against.)

The U.S. Mint has no templates for a million dollar bill. Companies print them all the time, depicting their CEO or a recent retiree where Benjamin might sit. The concept is so preposterous that the Secret Service doesn’t even outlaw such printing.

Today, the gaudiest American bill you can find – besides Clinton – is the $100. Bills larger than that would make it easier to make cash drops for drugs. Also, those suitcases they use for ransom money on TV could be reduced to a cigar box, and that’s just not alluring.

Back in 2012, a fellow North Carolinian walked into a Wal-Mart and racked up a tab of nearly $500. Big-ticket items included a microwave and vacuum. Because he was a baller, he paid cash – with a million-dollar bill.

Never mind the gobstash of change due would have required at least a cigar box to carry. Instead, he had to put the microwave and vacuum back, and got a pair of felony charges to take home instead.

Retired big bills in American history include (with the mugs in the middle of them):

$500: William McKinley

$1,000: Grover Cleveland

$5,000: James Madison

$10,000: Salmon P. Chase

$100,000: Woodrow Wilson*

*These bills never reached the public. Only Federal Reserve banks exchanged them.

They used to call NASCAR legend Bill Elliott “Million Dollar Bill” back in the day when a million dollars was a big deal. I once broke a huge story about that dude while toiling at a tiny newspaper right out of college, during a shift at a local diner.

Want to know more? You’ll have to Go Ask Daddy.

million quote


  1. messymimi says:

    It’s amazing the amount of money the companies put into having someone design their logos.

    Yes, i want to know the rest of the story, about how you broke big league news at a small town paper.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I’d do it for half the price, Meem. I will answer your question in my next Go Ask Daddy post!

  2. I can confirm that if you sit next to a campfire for long enough, your skin turns very, very pink. It also makes your hair smell horrible. Like smoke and burnt hair.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      The same agents that toast marshmallows can also toast authors and bloggers, Aj. Conversely, if one stands close enough to a barbecue pit, one’s hair smells kind of like heaven.

  3. Fires also cause marshmallows to burn and when flailing to put it out, the marshmallow becomes a burning projectile. Maybe it was karma helping me get my brother back for sticking me with a dart. I don’t think he’s forgiven me yet!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Speaking experience, Jenn? The universe is definitely at play for you and your darts and marshmallow mishaps!

  4. Court says:

    So what you’re saying is if I send in 5 questions, you’ll have to answer them…CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
    (Thanks for the nod also.)

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Oh piss – no, just one! Make it good.

      1. Court says:

        Harumph! Nobody lets me have any fun [pouts]

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        ah, hell. You can send two.

  5. San says:

    I learned so much! 🙂 I mean, to think how some people get paid to come up with ads or logos for companies… mind boggling! Also: camp fires are fun! 😉

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Glad you learned a bit, San – I always do when I research these posts. I loved finding out about the conspiracy theory behind Pepsi’s logo (I know many other logos get the same scrutiny.) Campfires are the best – I think we’ll do one this weekend.

  6. John Holton says:

    Nowadays, if a professional basketballer made a million bucks, he’d need to get a summer job… I can remember when a million bucks actually meant something.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      You’re right, John. LeBron makes $30 million. I’d like the challenge of having to scrape by on a measly million.

  7. Beth says:

    Sometimes I wonder if you could get tan from a campfire with how warm they are! And I wonder who they’d actually put on a One Million Dollar bill if they ever made one!

    1. Lyn says:

      Beth, they could always put Donald Trump 😀

    2. Eli Pacheco says:

      Maybe a singe line, Beth. I vote for William H. Taft on the million dollar bill.

  8. Lyn says:

    Australia’s national currency is the Australian dollar, which comes in denominations of $5, $10, $20, $50 and $100 notes. Coins come in 5, 10, 20 and 50 cent and one and two dollar denominations. We used to have 1c and 2c pieces, but they disappeared in 1992. The 2c coins are highly sought after by collectors. The designer of the coin is Stuart Devlin and his initials appear underneath the Frill-necked Lizard which adorns the coin. However, during 1967 and 1981 some coins lacked the SD on them. Several of the coins have recently made prices in excess of several thousand dollars on a leading online auction site.
    I haven’t had toasted marshmallows for such a long time. Might just toast some over a candle today…on toothpicks 😀

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I have an Australian coin, gold in color, with a coupla kangaroos on it. I collect foreign currency for the girls.

      We’ve talked about doing away with the penny. but what do you do when your total is $3.72?

      Very cool story about the rare coins! I never have the fortune to have a rare coin in my pocket. Or many coins at all for that matter.

      1. Lyn says:

        Gold coloured coin with kangaroos? Sounds like a $1 coin. LOL you can buy a small chocolate bar in the supermarket with that but not much else.

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        That sounds right, Lyn. I still have it. For a *small* chocolate bar, my girls could do anything!

  9. ksbeth says:

    now you’ve made me crave s’mores and a fire tan. my daughter once singed her eyebrows when lighting a gas grill and they have grown back but she is still angry that none of us could stop laughing once we realized what had happened and that she was okay –

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      That’s the order of the summer, beth. it might take your girl a few years to recognize the comedic value her sacrifice meant to the planet.

  10. Wow. Where do I begin? Awesome Bill from Dawsonville? I want to know that story. But, gee, you have a great post there.I would love for you to answer questions and tell stories around a campfire!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thanks, Annie! These posts go all over the place. Yes, that’s the one! I will tell the story next week. He was my dad’s favorite driver, too. Thank you for the kind words. Just tell me where the campfire is, and I’ll even bring a box of graham crackers (although chances are I’ll eat half of them on the way.)

  11. joeyres says:

    I miss the days when stadiums had original names instead of corporate sponsorship. We’ve got an arena here in the ‘burgh that used to be called CONSOL until they gave up the sponsorship and it was renamed PPG Paints Arena. Who can keep up with that? I don’t even know where to go to see Disney on Ice anymore.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Yes, like old Mile High Stadium! What’s next, Keebler Elf Arena? I love when fans call it the old name, anyway.

  12. stomperdad says:

    Poor Cowboys. Everyone loves their cheerleaders, though. Bring on the bon fires! Once upon a time there was a $2. But I was just a baby back then.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      No one feels sorry for those poor Cowboys, Eric. Their cheerleaders are okay, but I think one of the Jacksonville Jaguars might have fallen in love with me, and I can’t ignore that.

      1. stomperdad says:

        Good point. They get hated on alot. Good luck with that Jacksonville cheerleader!

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        We’ve decided to see other people.

      3. stomperdad says:

        It was probably for the better…

  13. 1. Logos for soda bottles etc is an interesting question. Printing them on said bottles is even MORE interesting. My daughter is a graphic design artist and she is always talking about how things are printed or what they used. It is very useful information…
    2. Sometimes a snickerdoodle and a coke is all it takes to make one feel better!!
    3. The heat is something else from a campfire. You may FEEL like you are getting a sunburn but alas.. no. Otherwise it would be used A LOT! LOL! Marshmallows are ALWAYS more important!!
    4. AT&T Stadium is very cool. I have never been to a game there but I was there and got to see it during the day while they were setting up the stage for a U2 concert. I would much rather go to that than see the Cowboys play… like EVER! I know, I know I am from Texas but ever since Jerry Jones bought them (we have zero respect for that charlatan) it is difficult to have respect for the team. BTW the stadium was oversold for the Superbowl.. YES! Your read that correctly! OVERSOLD!! They were supposed to put out extra stadium seating for the game and it didn’t happen! People who bought tickets months in advance and traveled in from out of town couldn’t get in! It caused a HUGE problem! There were lawsuits etc! Jerry Jones is a CHARLATAN! And so is his daughter. She was the one who produced the half-time show and it was a freaking joke! They tried to “save money” HA HA HA!! Half of the equipment didn’t work…….. did you see that?? Ok, I will shut up now.. *steps off soapbox*
    5. Would love to get my hands on a million-dollar bill. Life would be so much more fun!

  14. Eli Pacheco says:

    1. You know, CC, probably that’s what my girls meant with that question – how do they get *on* the bottle, those soda labels!
    2. I just made myself better by (it’s okay to judge): A hot dog bun with melted Velveta inside and a cup of orange juice (not even from concentrate!)
    3. I will take the warmth of a campfire on a cool fall night any day of the week. Velveta sandwich or now.
    4. I had a fun little run-in with Jerry Jones. He frequents the Cowboys’ locker room. He was in there for a game against the Carolina Panthers. I asked him about the chapel service his players had attended that morning, led by NASCAR owner and former coach of the rival Washington Redskins, Joe Gibbs. JJ got stonefaced and stared me down while explaining that nothing happened. I didn’t mean for it to be sensational, but his response? Classic.
    5. Jerry Jones probably spent a million dollars just this weekend. Which is fine. I took my kids for slushies.

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